No Chemistry: 5 Signs You'd Be Better Friends Than Lovers

Take a moment out to think about this. When it comes to the friendships that you have with the opposite sex, what’s the one thing that’s preventing them from becoming actual relationships? If you said “a lack of chemistry”, we’d have to say that we totally agree with you!

Although the foundation of all romantic connections should indeed be friendship, in order for friends to get to another level, there has to be more than a mutual liking for one another and a set of shared interests. There has to be a spark. There has to be an attraction. There has to be some kind of desire for one another.

Whenever a person meets up with a professional matchmaker, that is one of their responsibilities; to match individuals up with someone who they won’t only like, but could totally see the potential of loving in the future. And for that to happen, there must be chemistry.

If you’re just getting back out into the dating scene, you may be curious about how you can detect the signs that you’d actually be better off as friends than lovers. If that is indeed the case, here are a few things that you should look out for after say, the second or third date.

You’re not physically attracted. You might wonder why you should wait until the second or third date to come to this conclusion. Mostly it’s because we believe that “attraction at first sight” can sometimes be as deceiving as “love at first sight”. In other words, if everyone solely depended on those two things to be a clear indication of who they should be with, there would be a lot more single people out in the world than there already is! Although someone might not immediately catch your attention, sometimes getting to know them better makes them more appealing than they initially were to you. But if after the second or third date, you still feel no kind of attraction, that’s one sign that friendship is probably in your future.

You don’t want the same things. Here’s another reason why you need to go on a couple of dates before deciding if someone could potentially be “the one”. No matter how long a first date might be, you can’t possibly discover all of the things that you need to know. For instance, in order to find out if you’re truly compatible, you need to ask about their interests, hobbies and goals. Not only that but their goals, aspirations and the kind of relationship that they’re ultimately looking for. If after a couple of conversations, you, for instance, find out that they want to remain single for a few more years and move to London to work in international affairs while you want to be married sooner than later and move closer to your parents, you’re probably not the best fit. You probably should be friends.

Your values are totally different. One mistake that a lot of people make is thinking that if someone is not a carbon copy of them, they are probably not a good fit. Actually, that couldn’t be further from the truth! One of the best ways to grow is to be with someone who differs from you; who challenges you to see matters from other perspectives and to try new things. At the same time, if marriage is what you desire, it’s always wise to look for someone who has similar values as you do. If family is important to you, you don’t want to be with someone who couldn’t care less about having a relationship with theirs. If your religious beliefs are paramount, someone who has none could prove to be really challenging. It’s one thing to have casual relationships with people who are “cut from a different cloth”. But when you’re trying to build a life with someone, it needs to be a person who sees the important things in life in a way that is similar to you. (Especially if you desire to have children at some point.)

There is no “intimacy compatibility”. OK, this one is a bit tricky because if you’re someone who likes to take physical intimacy slow, it could be a while before you find this out. Long-term relationships are just that: long-term. And whether you’re someone who doesn’t mind having sex a few weeks into a relationship or you’d rather wait until marriage, physical intimacy is a really big deal. Therefore, you want to be with someone who yes, gives you butterflies and you enjoy kissing and being close with. So, if after the first few kisses, you don’t really feel much of a connection or you do take things to another level and it’s basically the equivalent of watching paint dry (sigh), while the two of you may be awesome together in every other way, you still should probably chalk things up to friendship. Why? Because in order to be lovers, you need to want to be together in a sexual kind of way, right? Right.

You see them as nothing more than friends. Last one. Although it’s a good idea to give things enough time to see if they have the potential to become something more, if you honestly don’t see the individual as more than a friend, that’s probably because that’s all that they’re meant to be. And you know what? That’s totally OK. Finding a good friend can be just as much of a gift as finding true love. We’re just saying that rather than trying to force things, accept the reality for what it is. That way, you both can be friends…as you move on to finding the right person to be in a lasting relationship with. And perhaps someday, even double date with!

'Second' First Impressions: Why You Shouldn't Totally Judge Based on the First Date

A couple of weeks ago, we posted an article entitled “Unrealistic Expectations: 5 Things to Not Expect from a First (or Second) Date”. If you get a chance, check it out. Basically it touched on a lot of the things that many of us expect from a first (or second) date; things that, at the end of the day, tend to happen more in the movies than in actually real life.

One of those things is expecting to fall in love at first sight.

What’s a trip is a lot of people probably don’t realize just how much they expect that to happen; how much of a pattern it is in their own dating life. So, if you’re wondering if you tend to fall victim to this dating epidemic, here’s a clue: If after one date, there are not fireworks and you find yourself not wanting to see the person again because of it, you’re probably someone who has the habit of judging too harshly on a first date.

This tends to happen especially if you who were either set up by a professional matchmaker or someone who you know. It’s somewhat understandable too. When you make the time to share all of what you’re looking for and you’re told “Ohhh, I have the perfect person for you!” that’s exactly who you expect to meet: a perfect person.  But here’s the reality check: No one is perfect, so if that’s what you’re looking for, they are already doomed to fail, no matter how wonderful they actually may be.

We would hate for you to miss out on a good person, on the right person for you, all because you did a one-time glance over on a first date and then shut down any possibility of a second one. So, to prevent that from transpiring, here are three reasons why you totally shouldn’t judge someone by the first impression they gave you. Why you should be open to offering them a second chance. And date.

People are often nervous on the first date. New experiences tend to bring along with them the case of jittery nerves. This can especially be the case when it comes to a first date. Palms may be sweaty. Thoughts may be incomplete. In some ways, the person you’re with might seem like a bit of a klutz. But don’t hold that against them. Even if you happen to be someone who is cool under pressure, each individual is different. So long as your date exudes kindness and consideration for you and others they are interacting with (such as the wait staff), they should at least be in the running to get a second date.

The conversations may get off of the “wrong” footing. Although it’s basically a standard rule to not discuss politics and religion with people you’ve just met, that doesn’t mean there aren’t other topics that can cause things to get a bit…heated. It may be pop culture, sports or even philanthropy. Basically a conversation trigger happens whenever a topic is brought up that one or both people are passionate about; where there are going to be strong opinions. However, as a wise person once said “When two people are just alike, one of them is unnecessary.” And here’s the underlying point of that resolve: What you should pay attention to is not if someone agrees with you. It’s how they disagree that you should take special note of. So long as they are listening to your views and respecting your opinion, it’s fine that you both don’t totally see eye-to-eye. Besides, you never know. By hearing what they have to say, they just might give you a perspective that you’ve never considered before. Yep. Sometimes “different” can be stimulating. Sexy, even. If you allow it to be.

You may have more in common than you initially thought. It’s pretty common for two people to meet for the first time at a restaurant (unless you go through a professional matchmaking service like Tawkify; check ‘em out when you get a chance!). But that doesn’t necessarily mean that both of them are going to like the cuisine or the ambiance…or the service. If this is the case on your first date, don’t let the venue cause you to automatically think that you and your date don’t have a lot in common. It’s important to keep in mind that a first date is an introduction; however, it’s not to be treated as much more than that. During the time that you do have, inquire about what their interests and hobbies are. You may discover that you like the same movies or the same sports or that you both like to go kayaking, hiking or the same local band. In fact, you might end up having so much in common that you’ll find yourself wanting to go on a second date. And quite possibly even a third!

Love Takes Time: How to Deal with Trust Issues

Question: If you were to sit down with a professional matchmaker today and they asked you to list five of the most important qualities that you look for in a relationship, what would you say? If “trustworthy” happened to be on the top of your list, you certainly would not be alone. ‘Cause let’s be honest, if a relationship lacks trust, it’s not really much of a relationship at all. Is it?

But sometimes, when a relationship happens to be in its beginning stages, we make it hard for someone to prove that they are trustworthy. It’s not because of anything that they did; it’s because of the people who have hurt or betrayed us in times past. When that happens, our natural inclination is to build up a wall---to make it hard for others to “get in”. Whether deep down we want them to or not.

No matter what someone else has done to not fulfill your expectations, to prove themselves to not be very reliable or to keep you from believing that their words (and actions) are something that you can truly depend on, it’s important to not let that relationship dictate the one that you are currently in. In other words, just because one person is not trustworthy, that doesn’t mean that all people are that way.

Still, we know it is literally a leap of faith to step out and believe in someone again…

So, if you’re wondering how you can deal with any trust issues, here are five tips to keep close:

Forgive. Marianne Williamson once said “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” Lewis B. Smedes once said “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Archbishop Desmond Tutu once said “Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.” What’s amazing about all of these quotes is it shows you what forgiveness does for you. It brings about inner peace. It sets you free. It also opens doors for new beginnings. No matter what someone did to you in the past, don’t keep punishing yourself for it. And don’t let it put up a barrier between you and the next relationship. Forgiveness doesn’t not justify what was done. It simply releases you from being bound by the offense. And the offender.

Heal. Have you ever gone out on a date with someone who seems pretty cynical, if not all out bitter? Oftentimes, what you are seeing, is someone who is still wounded from something going on in their past, if not their present. When someone is still reeling from an issue, they tend to take out their hurt, frustration or disappointment on the people around them. Whether or not they are to blame is irrelevant. And that’s actually really unfortunate. If you recognize any of what we’re saying in yourself, dating is not what you need to be doing right now. At least, not dating other people. “Date yourself” instead by taking some time out to really do some self-reflection so that you can heal your heart. That way, people won’t have to try so hard to convince you that they are worth giving a shot.

Be honest. Although it’s not necessary to bring it up on the first or even the second date, once it’s becoming apparent that there’s real chemistry and compatibility with the new person you are seeing, it’s OK to admit to them that trust is something that you struggle with. That’s not to say that all of the gory details are needed (at least not yet), but it’s fine---recommended even---to mention that you’re a bit fragile in the areas of trust due to some past experiences; that being with someone who says that they mean and means what they say is not only preferable but paramount.

Take “baby” steps. You’re never gonna trust again if you don’t give people the opportunity to deem themselves as being trustworthy. Now, we’re not saying that you should give them the keys to your house. We’re simply recommending that you should watch how they handle little things. Do they call when they say that they will? Do they show up to dates on time? If they tell you that they’ll do something for you, do they follow through or at least give you the heads up that they can’t do it? One of the most beautiful things about trust is that it’s basically as organic as love. It takes time. It requires baby steps. And small victories lead to awesome results!

Don’t expect perfection. If you’re expecting someone to never make mistakes in a relationship, while we hate to be the bearer of bad news, you’d honestly be better off being alone. No one is perfect. This means that there are going to be times when the person you’re seeing doesn’t meet your expectations. That doesn’t mean they’re not a good person. What it does mean, however, is that they are human. So, as you’re working on dealing with your trust issues, just make sure that the bar you’ve set isn’t too high for any person on the entire planet to reach. Trust is about having confidence in someone’s integrity; not demanding that they don’t ever disappoint you. Remember, one of the keys to a successful relationship is to give what you want. You can’t give perfection, but you can be trustworthy. It’s a Golden Rule for a really healthy and lasting connection. Both ways. Good luck!

Marriage Bound: 5 Signs That You Could Be Headed to the Altar

Last fall, Time published an article that had this title: “Why 25% of Millennials Will Never Get Married”. If you get a chance, it’s definitely worth checking out, but this gist is a lot of people under the age of 35 are projected to be single forever “partly because they don’t have jobs and partly because marriage is becoming less highly-regarded”.

Of course, if you’re someone who falls into this demographic, that doesn’t mean that you’ll never get married. First of all, this article is talking about 25 percent, not 75 or even 45. Secondly, we’re a firm believer that if you want something, you can have it. As a matter of fact, about a couple of weeks before that Time article was released, Huffington Post also did a feature on the topic. Its title was “15 Truthful Reasons Men Want to Get Married”.

Some of the reasons include:

Marriage allows me to show my love in a way that nothing else can.

It allows me to fully commit myself to one person.

Life is easier when you have a partner by your side.

The thought of loving someone forever makes me happy.

Life is so much better with a spouse.

Yes. A lot of people still honor marriage. And if you’re someone who happens to agree with these points, you’re probably not using a professional matchmaker, creating an online dating profile or letting someone set you up just for the heck of it. Or, if you’re already in a relationship and it’s been going well for several months now, you’re probably hoping that eventually “dating” will turn into an engagement and then a wedding.

Time is precious, right? It’s actually the one commodity that none of us can ever get back. So, how can you be sure that a relationship shows the true signs of heading towards the altar---if that’s indeed what you want to happen? Here are five surefire indications:

You both want to get married. A huge mistake that unfortunately a lot of people make is going into a relationship with someone without knowing if they have marriage on their agenda---or not. It’s a lot like getting married without both people discussing whether or not they want to have kids. There are many couples who find themselves having great chemistry, amazing intimacy and a really good time together, only to discover that when it comes to marriage, they’re nowhere close to being on the same page. There’s no way that you’re going to be headed towards the altar with someone if getting married is not something that they want to do. On the other hand, if the person you’re seeing wants to have a husband or wife someday (preferably within the same time frame as you do), then you can rest assure that they are basically approaching the relationship with a similar goal: a long-term relationship that will hopefully transition into something far more permanent.

They are not in a rush. When someone is looking for a “good time” or to “casually date”, they honestly tend to be a bit more reckless when it comes to how they approach things like intimacy. That’s because whether the relationship works out or not, in their mind they’re like “Well, at least we got some fun out of it.” But when someone wants to take things more seriously, the pace tends to be a lot slower. Establishing emotional intimacy is much more of a priority. Courting rather than dating tends to take place. So, if the person you’re seeing is not quick to sleep with you, if dates consist of more talking than anything else and if they seem to be perfectly content just getting to know you as a person, this is another indication that the potential for marriage, eventually, could be on the horizon.

They include you in their future---and future plans. Here’s another great sign that marriage may be on the way, someday. When a person wants you to be in their life for the long run, they are going to incorporate you into their future. They will mention bringing you along for family functions and the holiday season. They will talk about what they want to do with you on their upcoming birthday. They will ask you where you see your life being in the next one, two or five years. Sure, marriage may not be on the horizon tomorrow, but if someone is clear about wanting you around months and years up the road, it shows great promise of being a part of both of your future plans.

You see progress in the relationship. Even stagnant water stinks. And here’s what we mean by that. If you’ve been seeing someone for a while now but you haven’t met their family or friends, there’s no talk about where the relationship is going and titles have not shifted from “friend” to “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, this means that things are a bit stagnant and that’s usually not a good sign. A wise man once said that when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible. Translation: When a person wants to get married and they feel you are the one they want to get married to, the relationship is going to progress from one stage to another at a pretty steady pace. This means that if you feel like your relationship is pretty much in the same place that it was six months ago…that’s a red flag. It’s also something worth bringing up. Sooner than later.

Marriage is a comfortable conversation to have. Commitment-phobic people are going to find the topic of marriage to be the equivalent of pulling out a fingernail. With a plier. Soaked in vinegar. But when someone is not afraid of commitment, they are ready and willing to freely discuss the topic of marriage and all that comes with it. The great thing about this is if you’re seeing someone who embraces marriage, you both can be open and honest about your expectations and needs as it relates to the topic. That way, you both can know sooner than later if you’re both right for one another. Or not. That’s awesome because either you’ll know that you’re ready for the altar with them or that it’s time to bring things to an end so that you can get to the one you’re truly meant to marry. Either way, when you’re seeing someone who is interested in getting married, it’s a win/win. You both want the same thing, and you both want to see one another get it. Whether it’s together or apart. And you both will want to find the answer. Just as soon as possible.

Not Over It: 5 Signs That You're (Still) Not over Your Ex

If there’s one thing that exclusive dating and marriage has in common, it’s the fact that when you’re in a committed relationship, the last thing on your mind is that it will come to an end.

Unfortunately, that’s sometimes what happens, though.

Take boyfriends and girlfriends, for example. While initially things may be going really well, as time progresses, sometimes one individual may discover that they want different things, that their needs are not being met or that there’s someone else with whom they have more things in common. It’s not that they don’t still care about the person they are with. It’s more that things are progressing enough to the point where it makes sense to stay. And so, the relationship comes to an end.

However, just like it takes time for a relationship to grow…

It also takes time for your heart to catch up to your head when it comes to an end.

So, before you speak with a professional matchmaker or you decide to go out with the person at work who asked you out, make sure that you’re really and truly over your past relationship first. Why? Because the best way to start something new is by making sure you’ve resolved the past first. And just how can you know for sure that you are over your ex? Here are five telling signs that you’re definitely not.

You are still intimate with your ex. Have mercy! If you were to ask a lot of couples who are no longer together if they are still intimate, they are probably going to say “yes”. That’s because one of the last things to go in a relationship is the physical aspect of it. But listen, there is no possible way that you’re going to be able to get on with your life if you keep “engaging” with your ex. For the record, being intimate with you is a privilege; one that only comes by being with you. When the relationship ended, they lost the “rights” to spending time with you in that way. Yep. If the relationship is over, the sex definitely should be too. You won’t truly get over your ex if it’s not.

You talk about them (a lot). This particular point is something that you should ask your friends about. If they tell you that you still find a way to bring up your ex in conversation, no matter what the topic may be, this is a clue that you’re still not over them. That’s not to say that you should go throughout life acting like they never existed (that’s actually another indication that you’re not over it, if you ask us!). But we tend to talk about the things that are really important to us and are in the forefront of our mind. If that’s your ex, then that’s your mind (and heart’s) way of telling you that you still need a bit more time to heal. And you know what? That’s totally fine. Take all the time you need. Just try and think about other things to bring up in conversation in the meantime.

You still “follow” them on social media. One thing that social media has done is make it pretty darn difficult to get over someone. Before Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, all you pretty much had to go on was a phone number when it came to constantly staying in touch. Now? All you have to do is mosey on over to one of their accounts and you can see what they’ve been up to, who they’ve been talking to and even if they are seeing someone new. If you feel like you have the self-control (which is more like self-restraint) to keep being “friends” and “following” them, we’re actually impressed because most people tend to spend even more time paying attention to someone following a break-up. And all that ends up doing is pouring salt on the heart wound. Our recommendation? Either unfriend them and stop following them or at least “hide” their updates for a while. Right now, the focus needs to be on you and what you need. And what you don’t need is to be obsessed with what they have going on.

You won’t date. So, how long does it take to get over someone? Eh. Depends on who you ask, but we’ll say this: If you’ve been with someone for more than six months or so, you need at least a couple of months to process and also create a new normal for yourself. On the other hand, if the relationship lasted a year and it’s been at least that long since you’ve even gone on a first date with someone new, yeah, you’re definitely not over your ex. You shouldn’t date someone new to force yourself to get over someone, but you should consider doing it so that you’ll take your focus off of thinking that there’s only one person on the entire planet that you could ever be interested in. The more people you date, the more possibilities you open yourself up to. Remember that.

You are in a “hamster wheel”. If breaking up to make up is basically all that you and your ex do, not only is that emotionally unhealthy, but also a way to stay stuck in something that’s not really getting anywhere. Sometimes we can be so used to patterns that we don’t recognize that what we’re doing is counterproductive; we’re spending a lot of energy in a relational hamster wheel, but we’re not really getting anywhere. Here’s a way to know that you’re in this kind of space: If when someone asks you if you’re seeing someone, you say “Well, it’s kind of complicated”, it’s time to reevaluate why. Relationships shouldn’t be confusing or hard to explain or understand. Either you’re with someone because it’s the right thing for you or you’re not because you deserve better. Settling for anything in between is just that…settling. And if you’re doing it with an ex, you’re definitely not over them. Oh, but you need to be!

'I Hear You': 5 Tips for Great Communication

According to the website Divorce Help 360, the top five reasons for why so many couples divorce are as follows: lack of commitment, too much arguing, selfishness and lack of communication, infidelity and also marrying too young (getting married before the age of 25 technically qualifies as being “too young”).

While all of these reasons certainly deserve an article unto themselves, being that good communication is essential from the very first date on, we thought it would be a wise idea to tackle it first (we may get to the other points later).

So, just why is great communication so essential? Although there are many different reasons, perhaps the most important one is it’s the best way to connect with someone on a mental as well as emotional basis. When two individuals are able to freely, comfortably and effectively share their thoughts and perspectives on matters, it makes both of them feel heard and validated. It also makes it possible for both people to learn more about one another too.

Whether it’s your first date that a professional matchmaker set up or you’ve been in a relationship for a while now, communication is always something that can be improved upon, right? That’s why we wanted to share with you some proven tips that have helped us to better connect with our significant others. Ready?

Listen. (No, like really listen!) A man by the name of Paul Tillich once said “The first duty of love is to listen.” (So true, so true!) Also, a man by the name of Alfred Brendel once said “The word ‘listen’ contains the same letters as the word ‘silent’.” Pretty profound, right? And the truth is if all of us really took out the time to ask ourselves “Am I really listening to what the other person is saying?”, we’d probably realize that not only are we not silencing our mouths as much as we should, but we’re also not quieting our minds either. Usually, we’re in such a hurry to get out what we want to say that some of what the person is actually trying to relay to us “falls through the cracks”. Unfortunately, when this happens, it can lead to all sorts of misinterpretations and confusion. So, as you’re sitting in front of another individual, make sure that you listen to them. Remain quiet. Maintain eye contact. And be aware (as much as possible) of your body language too. It just might (pleasantly) surprise you, how smoothly a conversation will go just be doing this one (relatively) simple thing.

Don’t cut the other person off while they’re speaking. Wanna hear another awesome quote about listening? A man by the name of Bryant H. McGill once said “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what the other person has to say.” And real talk, that might be one of the reasons why so many married people are frustrated when it comes to communication. It’s because they don’t feel heard by their partner and when that happens, they don’t feel respected. For the record, one of the most disrespectful things that you can do is to cut off someone while they are talking. Whether you realize it or not, it basically translates into “Shut up because what I have to say is so much more important.” Yeah, it doesn’t get much ruder than that. Be still. You’ll get your turn. The key to communication is to patiently, and thoughtfully, wait for it.

Reflect on what they said before responding. OK, if you do have the whole “wait until they finish speaking” thing do (and if so, congrats because you’re certainly ahead of most of us!), make sure that you have also mastered the art of thinking about what was said before you actually respond. No matter what you have purposed in your mind to share, there’s a significant chance that the other individual has just said something that warrants some kind of reaction or response. Being that true communication between two people is a dialogue rather than a monologue, it’s always a good idea to actually think about the points they are making and how you can best engage them---before saying a single word.

When you’re not sure, ask. Clarity is key. Rinse and repeat: Clarity is key. That said, it’s a huge (HUGE) mistake to try and communicate with someone based on pure assumption. So, if there’s something that was said that didn’t make sense to you, made you uncomfortable or even hurt your feelings, wait before reacting. First ask the other person if what you heard is actually what they meant before proceeding. What came out of their mouth may have had a totally different intention or connotation. You won’t know that without inquiring first, though.

Be a “student” as much as a “teacher”. Great communication is about wanting to learn just as much (if not more) than wanting to share. So, as you sit down to start a conversation with someone, especially someone you have a special interest in, decide in your mind that you don’t just want to be the teacher (the person who always has things to convey), but the student as well---the person who is always looking to gain a new insight and perspective. That’s the best way to get to know someone better so that the relationship can grow stronger.

Intimacy Before Sex: How to Establish True Emotional Intimacy

Maybe during your lunch break one day this week, check out the article “The Hook-Up Culture: How An Entire Generation Forgot How To Actually Date Someone”. It basically explores how pop culture has gotten to a point where a lot of people are far more interested in casual sex than dating. The article is basically geared to people who are college-age. However, being that there are plenty of older adults who are also engaging in one-night stands or setting up “hook ups” on Tinder, it’s still worth checking out. One line in particular that we really liked was this:

“It’s time for young people to stop being lazy when it comes to dating. We need to break our poor dating habits and realize that if we want to meet The One, we have to act like it.”

If you want to meet “the one”, you have to act like it.

That’s some good stuff, right?

One of the benefits that comes from going through a matchmaking service like Tawkify rather than signing up for a profile on a site like Tinder is many professional matchmaking companies are not trying to merely find you someone to sleep with. They are invested in you connecting with someone who you can establish a true relationship with. For this reason, they actually discourage physical intimacy during the initial stages of dating. That way, you have more time for emotional intimacy to truly transpire. The good thing about that is it will give your relationship a stronger foundation and also improve the physical intimacy…when the time is right.

If this sounds like something that you’re interested in, here are five surefire ways to establish an emotional connection before a physical one:

Decide which is more important to you. We’re not trying to be the moral majority and so we should definitely put on record that if you don’t want to wait, that’s certainly your decision. We’re all for you getting what you want! But being that we’re huge fans of relationships lasting, we simply know that when things heat up too quickly, they can oftentimes fizzle out just as fast. Great sex is just that---great! But when that’s all there is, it can also cloud your judgment and cause you to do things like overlook red flags in a person’s character or not establish clear communication skills (for instance, you may find yourself relying on sex to “fix” any relational problems). On the other hand, the longer you wait, the more time you have to allow a friendship to grow. Out of that emotional connection, real intimacy can bloom---both in and out of the bedroom. If a healthy relationship is what you’re after, make the decision beforehand that it’s what’s most important to you. That it means more than having sex---even great sex---right off the bat.

Take sex off of the table. No, not forever, but definitely make it clear that it’s not really up for discussion any time soon. And by “any time soon”, this includes the “three date rule” that so many people still cling to. By stating upfront that casual sex is not really your thing, not only will you get to see what they’re true intentions are, but it can also take a lot of the pressure off. If the person you’re seeing isn’t given a definite “date”, then they are “forced” to focus on other matters. Like how to get to know you better both mentally as well as emotionally.

Be affectionate before being sexual. Physical affection is very tender, sweet and endearing. Doing things like holding hands and giving each other kisses on the hands and cheeks can create a nice chemistry and build up anticipation leading to kisses on the mouth and cuddling. And do you know what else it can do? It can establish a mutual feeling of safety and trust too. There are a lot of people who will readily admit that a one-night stand made them feel any and everything but secure. Allow affection to set the tone for how fast you want the physical part of your relationship to go.

Keep the dates out of the house. Although there are tons of reasons why it’s a good idea to wait before having sex with someone new, when you find yourself attracted to an individual, it can be tempting to throw those reasons out of the window. One way to keep your libido under control is to not “date in the house”. If all goes well, you have forever to cook in each other’s homes or cozy up on the couch to watch a favorite movie. For now, date in public. That way, when the time does come to “take it there”, you’ll be thinking more with your brain than…anything else.

Be clear about where the relationship is headed. In figuring out when it really is best to become physically intimate, don’t focus so much on the amount of time you’ve known someone, but the direction in which the relationship is headed. Meaning, if you’re not interested in having sex with someone you don’t see a future with, pay attention to the signs of whether or not you’re truly compatible with one another. Also, after a few dates, don’t be shy about asking them where they would like the relationship to go. If you both want the same things, you can be more confident about engaging in physical intimacy. Once the emotional connection is there.

Fixer Upper: 5 Myths About the 'I Can Change Them' Mentality

Sure, they may be a little rough around the edges now, but that’s OK.

I’m pretty sure that I can change them.

Boy, if there are two sentences that are the result of so much disillusionment in relationships, it would have to be those! It’s almost like it’s a perpetual pattern. For many people, when they are on a first date and see something that they don’t particularly care for, they think to themselves “I can change them.” When they decide to take things to the next level and exclusively date and then end up encountering some real annoyances, they continue to say “It’s fine. I can change them.” And let’s not even get into how many people are in divorce court proceedings as we speak, all the while bitter and resentful, all because they married someone believing that they could change them.

That’s not to say that love doesn’t change a person. Indeed it does!

But that’s the point. Love changes a person.

People can’t force others to change.

So, whether you’re currently in a relationship, you’re about to go on a first date or you simply would like to break the pattern of trying to control---um, change---a person, here are five myths about the “I can change them” mentality that we’re going to challenge. Down to its very core!

If I don’t like it, it needs to change. Each person is a lot like a piece of art in the sense that they are distinctive; they are an individual. And just like a unique painting or sculpture, it’s kind of hard to determine what’s “good” or “bad” about someone based on surface level things. Some things simply make the art, or an individual, what it is. Do you see where we are going with this? Although there are some character issues that you should definitely be on the lookout for, when it comes to how a person dresses, what their favorite hobbies are or even their perspective on things, that is what makes them who they are. Just because you may not like it, that doesn’t automatically make you right or them wrong. Sometimes you need to just appreciate “the art of a person” for what it is---rare.

If I press the issue enough, they will change. Say that you hate some of their habits. No major issues, but simply the way that they eat or how they take care of their place. Then say that you’ve said at dinner “Have you ever noticed that you talk with your mouth open sometimes?” or when you’ve gone to their house, you’ve joked and said “I guess I should get you a maid for your birthday, huh?” and all they do is laugh and (seemingly) brush it off. Although you might think this is your cue to bring it up again, there are two things to remember about who you’re seeing. One is the fact that they are an adult. The second is you are not their mother. Whether it’s an actual problem or a personal preference of yours, once you bring it up and they acknowledge that they heard you, you really need to drop it. Nagging isn’t attractive. It’s controlling, it’s pushy and it’s actually a great way to get your “change agenda” to backfire on you. If something bothers you that much, the issue isn’t whether or not they should change, but whether or not you have the tolerance to deal with it.

If I change, they will change. Although this approach is certainly better than the whole nagging thing, it’s still not the best route to take. Why? Basically because the motive is all wrong. You might have watched a television show or movie before where a couple is talking and the woman will bring up something she wants her man to do differently. As he’s pondering it, she then says “I mean, I’m sure there’s something about me that you’d like to change too.” Uh-huh. There are probably several things that he wishes were different, but here’s the catcher: He didn’t bring them up because they are not big enough of a deal to him! “Bartering change” rarely works---or more importantly lasts. So, don’t offer to change something about yourself just to get the person you’re with to change something about them. Change because you want to…because you need to. Simple as that.

If they truly love me, they will change. OK, this one right here has got to be one of the most manipulative resolves on the planet! It’s also one that can just as easily be flipped around back to you. How about “If you love them, you won’t expect them to change”?  Although it’s certainly understandable that you may encounter times in your relationship where you’ll find yourself wanting more, out of respect for the person you’re seeing and the relationship that you have, it’s best to simply state what your needs are, express how important they are to you and then give them the time and space that they need to determine if they want to implement certain changes---or not.

Change should be the focus; not improvement. This may be the biggest myth of all! Whether it’s a professional matchmaker or your best married friend, when it comes to this particular topic, something that they are both (probably) going to tell you is the key to a healthy relationship is not trying to change one another, but improve one another. In fact, that’s what love should do overall: make two people better as a result of being together. Bottom line, if you both focus more on self-improvement rather than changing each other, you might be pleasantly surprised. The things that need to be changed probably will---without any pressure on your part!

6 Dating Myths That Can Keep You from Finding Real Love

Do you have a date coming up this weekend? If so, be honest. How do you feel about it?

If it’s your first date (perhaps one that you got through a professional matchmaker service), then we’re willing to bet that you’re a bit nervous. On the other hand, if it’s your second or third, although the initial anxiety may be gone, you’ve probably entered into the stage where you’re wondering if there could possibly be a real future with the person that you’re seeing. Either way, we’re glad that you’re reading this article because hopefully, it’s going to provide you with a few insights on how you can make the most out of your dating experiences.

You see, what we’re about to do is share with you some popular dating myths. Ones that a lot of people seem to apply that, interestingly enough, can actually keep people from finding the real and lasting love that they’re looking for.

Are you curious to know what some of those myths are?

Cool. We’re more than happy to debunk them for you.

“If I’m not immediately attracted, what’s the point?” Although it would be awesome if every couple felt an immediate physical attraction to one another, the reality is there are a lot of happily married people who will tell you that wasn’t their experience with their spouse when they first met. Sadly, sometimes people mistake passion for real potential. Meaning, just because someone doesn’t look like your teenage crush or make your heart flip at the sight of them, that doesn’t mean that they are not someone who has the ability to pull at your heart strings, in time. Look, there are a ton of celebrities who are attractive---and alone. There are also a lot of “pretty people” who are straight-up jerks. Even if someone doesn’t catch your eye at first, give it some time. Sometimes the more you get to know a person’s personality, the more appealing they become. Mentally, emotionally and yes, even physically.

“We have to agree with most things in order to be compatible.” There’s a man who once said “When two people are just alike, one of them is unnecessary.” In other words, a healthy relationship should stretch you; it should help you to grow. That tends to happen more when you’re involved with someone who doesn’t have all of the same views and opinions as you do. Don’t look for someone who is your relational clone. Look for someone who listens, respects what you have to say and always gives you a new way to seeing things.

“You should know in 3-5 dates if someone is ‘the one’.” Yes, there are some people who will tell you that the moment they set eyes on their significant other, they knew they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with them. But that tends to be more of the exception than the rule. Therefore, don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself or the person that you’re seeing to know if you can see forever with them after only a few dates. Some of the best things happen gradually, not instantaneously.

“All dates should be over-the-top experiences.” Although wining and dining are awesome, let The Bachelor (and The Bachelorette) serve as blaring reminders that you need more than a swanky date to keep someone interested for the long haul. Going on impressive dates, especially in the beginning, provides a pretty nice first impression. But don’t underestimate the quality time and awesome memories that can also come from a picnic or stroll through the park.

“If they’re not seeing only me, they are not interested in getting serious.” As with many things in life, dating comes in stages and during the initial one, it’s perfectly fine if the person you’re seeing is still seeing other people too. It takes a while for individuals to come to the conclusion that they want to be exclusive, and what you don’t want to do is put the pressure on them to make a decision before they are ready. Remember, you want someone to choose you rather than feel like they were being put on a time clock or given some crazy ultimatum by you.

“What I don’t like about a person, I can always change---later.” Not only is this probably one of the biggest dating myths on the entire planet, but it’s also the cause for a lot of divorces too! Besides, how would you feel if you found out that the person you’re interested in doesn’t like you for who you are, but is keeping it to themselves believing that they can change you once they “seal the deal”? Everyone deserves to be loved for who they are. So if you don’t like something about someone, mention it, learn to deal with it or make the decision that your next date…should also be your last.

Dating Faux Pas: 5 Dating Mistakes You May Not Know You're Making (While on a Date)

Dating. Like so many other things, there is an “art” to it.

We say this because although the ultimate objective of dating is to get to know someone better so that you both can determine if you want to be in a relationship, the initial dating experience is a process.

Being that so many people start dating through a professional matchmaking service, a connection through an online profile, a set-up from a friend or co-worker or even a stranger that they met in the grocery store or in the mall, everyone needs a few tips on how to ease into dating. That way, both individuals can get the most out of each date that they go one. That way, they can both walk away knowing that it was time well spent.

So, if you have a date coming up this weekend, we wanted to provide you with a list of some common dating mistakes that people tend to make. If you take note of these, we’re confident that your date will be fun and purposeful---that you’ll be one step closer to knowing if they are someone you want to spend more time with. Or not.

Mistake #1: Talking more than listening. Although a part of the purpose of the date is certainly that they are able to get to know you better, remember that you need to get to know them too. Therefore, pay attention to how many questions you ask vs. answer. Take note of if you find yourself going on and on without letting them get a word in edgewise. And more than anything, observe if you have a habit of cutting them off in mid-sentence. When people do that, it basically translates into “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hurry up and finish because what I have to say is more important.” (Basically it’s arrogant and just plain rude.)

Mistake #2: Being distracted. Unless you’re a doctor on-call or a parent, is there really a good enough reason for having your smartphone on the table or to not turn off your notifications? Whatever picture your best friend just posted up on their Instagram or whatever text your co-worker sent you, it can wait. Quality time consists of giving someone your undivided attention. You can’t do that when you’re distracted.

Mistake #3: Ignoring your body language. We actually shared an article on body language not too long ago (you can check it out here) because we’re firm believers that you can say a lot…without saying a thing. If you’re rolling your eyes (or not making eye contact), if you’re pursing your lips or you’re talking the entire time with your arms folded, none of these things send the warmest of signals. We’re not saying to be super-conscientious. We’re just saying that it’s always a good idea to be aware of what your face and body are doing; especially while you’re in the midst of engaging someone new.

Mistake #4: Not treating customer service well. You might be treating your date with the utmost care and respect. But if you’re short with your server, you don’t tip or you’re impolite to the individuals around you, your date is going to take note. For one thing, it comes off as if you may have a side to your personality that you’re hiding (not good). Secondly, it can appear as if you’re vain and pretentious (even worse). It’s always a good idea to keep in mind that the sign of good character is how you treat everyone around you; not just the ones that you’re consciously trying to impress.

Mistake #5: Avoiding any kind of affection. No, we’re not talking about sex. That is totally your call and we definitely get why you may not want to rush into anything that serious. What we mean is it’s OK to touch your date’s had while you’re talking, to flirt or to kiss them on the cheek (or even offer a peck) at the end of a date. People want to feel comfortable when they’re on a date; like the person they’re spending time with is not building up walls but are actually letting some down. One way to “let someone in”, even if it’s in moderation, is to be affectionate. Not just physically affectionate but verbally too. Be affirming. Be complementary. Be the kind of person you would want to go out on a date with. It’s the Golden Rule for real dating success!

Dating vs. Courting: The Main Differences Between the Two

Dating vs. Courting. It’s not something that’s discussed even a fraction as much as it used to be, but if you asked your grandparents (and maybe even your parents) about the differences between the two, they would definitely be able to tell you. Or, if you wanted a visual example, reruns of old shows like Little House on the Prairie or The Waltons could break down what the whole courtship thing is all about.

For example, on Little House, when one of Charles Ingalls’s daughters had a young man who was interested in getting to know them better, not only did he have to speak with Charles first, but he had to present a plan for what he wanted from his daughter beyond simply “hanging out”. Back then, “just dating” was not an option. If you didn’t want something to end up being long-term, then there was no point in trying to make an initial connection.

That said, in a nutshell, the difference between dating and courting is when you’re dating someone, it tends to be more casual. You may like the individual and enjoy spending time with them. You might even be engaging in sexual activity with them, but the intention is not really about a serious commitment or a long-term relationship. On the other hand, when you’re courting (or being courted), it’s all about finding the person, “the one”, to spend the rest of your life with. In short, in courtship, there isn’t really anything casual about it. Everything has a clear motive. A true intention. An emotional investment.

The reason why we felt it was a good idea to share the differences is because when you’re meeting with a professional matchmaker, creating an online profile or allowing yourself to be set up for a date, it’s a good idea to personally know whether you’re interested in dating or courting. That way, you can (hopefully) be paired up with someone who is on the same page as you.

And just how can you be certain that you are meeting an individual who shares the same mindset? To help you out, we’re going to share with you some clear signs that a person is more into courting than they are into dating.

Courters ask “beneath the surface questions”. When someone is courting you, they are going to ask you more than what’s your favorite movie or restaurant. Being that they are looking to see who has the potential of being a life partner, after the first couple of dates, they tend to delve much deeper. The questions may be what your personal goals and ambitions are, if you desire to have children and what your family life is like. If the questions are going well beneath the surface, if they make you feel like someone is trying to get to the very core of you, there’s a pretty good chance that they’re not interested in merely dating; they want to court you.

Courters inquire about your relational desires. “What do you want in a relationship?” The main reason to ask this question is to see if the person you’re seeing desires what you do. When you’re casually dating, this isn’t that much of a priority because the intention is usually about simply having a good time. But if the person you’re seeing wants to know what your love languages are, why your past relationships did not work out and what you’re looking for in a spouse, these are definitely the courting kind of questions.

Courters tend to curb sexual activity. It might seem odd that if someone is really into you, they will not rush to have sex, but that’s actually another sign of a courter. Being that good sex can sometimes be mistaken for a truly intimate connection, some people would rather “wait to engage” so that they can be sure that they want to be in a relationship for the right reasons. So if a kiss at the door or cuddling on the coach is what your date is currently content with, don’t take that as a sign of rejection. It may be that they don’t want to date you; they would prefer to court you.

Courters will ask about your family. Ask any married couple who’s been together longer than their newlywed years and they’ll vouch for the fact that when you marry someone, in many ways, you marry their family too. This goes without saying if you choose to be with an individual who has children, but this is also the case when it comes to their parents and extended family too. In fact, finding out about someone’s childhood can help you to discover a lot about their core values and beliefs as well as their philosophies. A courter is going to want to know where you come from, your support system and what, DNA-wise, makes you tick.

Courters want to know about your life dreams and goals. We actually already touched on this point, but it’s important to go just a bit deeper for clarification’s sake. Having a successful relationship and definitely a successful marriage are about not only choosing to be someone who you deeply care for, but also someone who complements your life’s path and purpose. For instance, if you want to be the kind of entrepreneur who travels often, it’s going to be easier to be with someone who also likes to travel or doesn’t mind going days at a time without seeing you. Or, if you’ve always wanted to have a big family, it’s not going to make sense to date someone who doesn’t like children. Here’s another example: If you want to go back to school to totally change career paths, you need someone in your life who will support that decision and be willing to make certain sacrifices in order to make that dream a possibility. Someone who is courting you is going to be focused on seeing if the two of you able not only able to love one another but also build a life together. In short, dating is oftentimes temporary. Courtship has the intentions of forever.

Unrealistic Expectations: 5 Things to Not Expect from a First (or Second) Date

If you’ve never heard of the website Statistic Brain before, basically it’s a popular website that provides statistical data on just about everything that you can imagine; including dating. Last spring, they posted an article on online dating and one of their findings indicated that a whopping 71 percent of people believe in love at first sight.

Maybe it’s because individuals still believe in romance (that’s a good thing, by the way). Maybe it’s because romantic comedies continue to put smiles on folks’ faces. Maybe people have a family member or co-worker who has a story of how their relationship started out that way. Shoot, it could even be that a lot of individuals have tuned in to watch the first two seasons of FYI’s Married at First Sight.

Whatever the case may be, being that almost three-fourths of people still feel that it can happen, this leads us to believe that there are a lot of hopefuls who find themselves having some pretty unrealistic expectations on their first---or even second---date.

Why? Because although love at first sight is awesome…

It tends to be pretty rare.

That’s why we wanted to take out a moment to share with you a list of five things. Things that it’s OK to be (quietly) hopeful for during the first few dates, but at the same time are things that you should flat-out expect.

To expect to hear “I love you”. Yes, in the movies, it’s sweet to hear an “I love you” (or at least an “I think I love you”) after a first date or a one night stand but let’s be real. It takes knowing a person to be able to know if you love them and that’s not going to happen in a short amount of time. So, no matter how much you would love to hear those three magical words, make sure that you hearing it and someone saying it is much more than merely being in love with love.

To expect to hear “You’re the one”. Let’s really think about what being “the one” really means. It basically means that out of all of the people on the planet (or at least your own social circle), you have found the person who best complements your personality, goals and lifestyle. And how could you possibly know that after the first couple of dates?!? Being “the one” is a sentiment that really needs to be reserved for when you and someone else are getting closer to exploring a long-term commitment or marriage because then those words can be backed up with substantial action. That brings us to the next point.

To expect your date to bring up marriage. Another cool thing about using a professional matchmaking service or even filling out an online dating profile is you can get a good gauge for if someone is interested in a long-term commitment or not before ever meeting them. But either way, don’t expect marriage to be a big part of the conversation on the first or second date. The first date is usually about getting a lot of formalities out of the way and the second date is about reaching a certain comfort level with one another. By bringing up marriage during that time…that can definitely disrupt the natural flow of things (to say the least). It’s a topic that should happen…naturally. It shouldn’t be forced in any way.

To expect your date to want to see you all of the time. So the first and second date are awesome! The chemistry is there. Conversations continue to flow smoothly. You both mention seeing each other again and you might even get a “good night” text at the end of each date or a “good morning” text the next day. That’s awesome. It really is. But don’t mistake excitement for commitment. By that we mean, just because you and your date like one another, they shouldn’t be expected to do the same things that come with actually being in a relationship. Having a great date and not hearing from them continuously doesn’t mean there isn’t real relationship potential there. It simply means that love takes time; that it’s something that shouldn’t be rushed.

To expect your date to want to be exclusive. Frankly, we’d be concerned if you told us that you went on one date with someone and the person suddenly said that they didn’t want you to see anyone else but them. In order for a relationship to be truly healthy, there needs to be a season of dating before it should ever transition into an exclusive situation. For this reason, please keep in mind that no matter how much you want to have a one-on-one relationship, you’ll be doing you and your date a disservice by expecting it before either of you is ready or sure. Bottom line, take your time. Enjoy the getting to know each other process. And remember that when it comes to dating, it’s OK to have expectations. Just make sure that you do your best to keep them realistic.

Are You a Priority or an Option? How to Know the Difference

If you were to hop online and Google some quotes on relationships, one that you might happen to see is “Never make someone a priority when they consider you to be an option.” Although this is a pearl of wisdom that can easily be applied in just about every facet of life, it’s especially important to consider when you’re dating someone.

In fact, if you happened to speak with a professional matchmaker who worked for a company like Tawkify, before going on your first date with one of their (other) clients, one of the things they would probably ask you is if you’re looking for a serious commitment. That way, they can connect you with someone who is not merely interested in “meeting new people” but in meeting the one they feel they can truly build a future with.

But whether you choose to use a professional service to assist you with your dating needs or you would prefer to try dating “the old-fashioned way”, just remember that your time and emotions are truly valuable.

And because we think it’s important to be in the kind of relationship you desire, we wanted to share with you some of the signs that someone is truly making you a priority in their life---rather than seeing you as one option out of a sea of many.

Pay attention to how you meet them. One of the best things about using a professional matchmaking service is you can find someone who is on the same page as you are. Meaning, if you want to be married, they’ll pair you up with someone who feels the same way. On the other hand, if you meet someone on a dating app like Tinder or PlentyOfFish, it’s a toss-up what their intentions are beyond a couple of dates and “a good time”. So, if you want to be treated like a priority, pay attention to how the relationship starts. It’s important.

Pay attention to how often you see them. Have you ever heard the quote “If they like you, you’ll know it but if they don’t, you’ll be confused”? There’s a lot of wisdom that comes with that saying. When someone really likes you, it’s not about if they have time to see you. It’s all about them making the time. It’s about them figuring out how to talk to you on the phone and spend quality time with you, no matter how demanding their schedule is. In short, if you hear from them a couple of times per week (at least), they’re at least trying to make you a priority. On the other hand, if it’s every couple of weeks…yeah, you’re probably an option.

Pay attention to how they treat you. When you’re in a relationship with someone, they should make you feel special. While there are different ways to do that, the point is that you should never feel unappreciated, taken for granted or, even worse, disposable. You know, like you’re easy to let go of because there are so many other people to date. You are unique. You are original. And that makes you incomparable. Anyone who is truly worth your time is going to see this about you and treat you like you are not just someone they know, but someone they are lucky to know.

Pay attention to how they introduce you. For the first few dates (the first four or five), if you and your date happen to run into someone that they know, you honestly shouldn’t expect more than “This is (insert your name here).” But once you’ve started to spend a significant amount of time together, listen for if there are any “extra words” that are added. If things like “special friend” or “close friend” or eventually “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” are used, then you know that the relationship is more than casual. If after a few months, there’s…nothing, it’s time to have a chat about if there really is a potential of the relationship turning into something.

Pay attention to what they say to you. A huge mistake that people tend to make in relationships is not really listening to what the other person has to say. And when it comes to this particular topic, if someone says “I really just want to be friends” or “I’m not interested in anything serious right now” or “Yeah, marriage is not something that I see in the foreseeable future”, that is just what they mean. In these instances, there’s no real need for them to make you a priority because a serious relationship is not a priority for them. If this is the case, it’s up to you to decide where to go from here. If you want to make them a priority, an option or if you want to end the relationship altogether. However it all plays out, remember that you deserve to have what you want in a relationship. And ultimately, we support your decision. Either way.

Friends First: 6 Benefits of Building a Foundation on Friendship

If you were to ask 50 single people about what they want in a relationship, there’s a pretty good chance that they would mention things like love, respect and loyalty. And while all of the things are certainly important, something that should be just as much of a priority is friendship.

We say that because if you were to then ask 50 different (happily) married couples about what the key to their success is, we’re willing to bet some pretty good money that they’re going to say it’s the fact that they’re friends. When you’re friends with someone, it means that you both like each other, trust each other and enjoy spending time with one another. And doesn’t it make sense that all of these things would be what helps to make a marriage last?

That’s why, when you’re in the process of starting a relationship with someone, it’s so important that you build on a foundation of true and genuine friendship. Here’s some of the other benefits that come with doing just that:

Friendships develop organically. Although a lot of people may try and force a relationship to happen faster than it should, rarely is this the case when it comes to friendship. It’s a good thing too because when both people are not in a rush to become friendship, the pressure is off. As a result, they are able to relax and be themselves. When friendships are organic, they tend to be much healthier. The same goes for whatever grows out of the friendship too.

Friendships help you to get to know the real person. Sometimes, when people are only thinking about getting into a relationship, they are tempted to present a façade. They don’t want to talk about things like the mistakes that they made in their past relationships or the reprimand that they got from their boss or the IRS bill that’s freaking them out. When you’re friends with someone though, these kinds of things (and more) tend to come up. That’s a good thing because it helps you to see beneath the surface of someone and that’s always good when you’re trying to figure out if they truly are friendship material. Or not.

Friendship establish clear avenues of communication. Think about all of the friends that you currently have. What’s one of the things that they all have in common? Chances are, one of them is the fact that you like how easy the communication is. You’re able to freely talk and you also want to listen to what they have to say too. Plus, you both want each other to feel affirmed and validated because you care about each other’s feelings. Being that poor communication is one of the leading causes for divorce, we’re pretty sure you can see why establishing clear avenues of communication is so essential.

Friendships are fun. Can relationships be fun? Sure! But there’s a greater chance that will be the case when there’s a friendship first. When you’re not caught up in impressing someone, you’re free to show them your corny sense of humor or that weird thing that you do so well that you would think is silly if you were in the “strictly dating” mindset. Another great thing about building on a friendship is that you tend to be more open-minded when it comes to dates. It’s not about going to the most expensive or swanky place. It’s about doing things that both of you will truly enjoy. Even if it only costs a few bucks to do.

Friendships don’t make sex the main focus. Hands down, one of the best things about focusing on building a friendship is that you can learn how to be intimate in other ways than the physical. Although sex is a wonderful and important part of a relationship, when it happens to soon, it can cause people to be more caught up in how the sex makes them feel than what is really transpiring in the relationship. However, with sex off of the table, you can mentally and emotionally connect. And the real bonus in that is once you do decide to have sex, it will be just that much better! (Sex that has that kind of connection always is.)

Friendships have longevity. A professional matchmaking service and even your own mom will tell you that you want the kind of relationship that can maintain a friendship even if it doesn’t work out. But when people are so into starting a relationship without a friendship, oftentimes everything stops once it ends. And sometimes, that’s really sad. Just because the person you’re seeing may not be “the one”, that doesn’t mean that they still can’t be someone special in your life. If you’re both friends, you can oftentimes survive a break-up. And who knows? Maybe you’ll connect again at another time or maybe they have another friend who’s just right for you. Either way, when you choose to build a relationship on the foundation of friendship, you have more than a date. You have someone as a part of your world for life.

Stuck in a Rut: 5 Signs That Your Relationship Is Stagnant

Although there are some people on the planet who don’t mind being in a dating situation for years on end with no signs of something more permanent in sight, just ask any professional matchmaker or CEO of an online dating company and they will tell you that those individuals are the exception and not the rule. The reality is that most people who are looking for love are also looking for some type of long-term commitment to go along with it.

Yet unfortunately, there are far too many examples of individuals who find themselves getting nowhere in their dating situation. It’s not that something is “wrong”. To tell you the truth, there are a lot of things about the relationship that are pretty awesome; this is what makes the problem so hard to detect. It’s just that nothing new has happened in a long time. And that causes one or both people to feel like they’re in a bit of a relational rut.

If this somehow sounds eerily familiar, check out the following five signs that your relationship may be on the side of stagnant when actually it should be soaring.

You do the same things all of the time. When your relationship was new, probably so was everything connected to it. You went to new restaurants. You checked out new movies. You looked for new things to do together. But if lately, it continues to be pizza and On-Demand at home or a particular restaurant sees you so often that they know you by name, you’re definitely in a bit of a rut. It’s time to be more proactive about putting a bit of a spark back into your dating life again.

Intimacy is like watching paint dry. Although we wish there was a better way to put it, there’s really not. The thing about physical intimacy---whether it’s kissing or the whole shebang---is that it’s an expression of love and contentment. So, if there are no real sparks when physical intimacy is shared, it means that somewhere there is a disconnect in other areas; usually emotionally. Whatever the case may be, intimacy should be passionate. The last thing on earth that it should be is boring.

You’re thinking about seeing other people. One of the reasons why extramarital affairs happen is because one or both spouses find themselves wondering what they’re missing by remaining in their marriage. This tends to happen when things like a breakdown in communication, a lack of intimacy or the feelings of being taken for granted transpire. A relationship that is healthy, happy and flourishing has no need for “outside activity”. So yeah, if you’re starting to wonder what it would be like to see other people, something in your relationship has come to a screeching halt.

The future does not come up. Relationship coaches and marriage counselors alike will tell you that one sign that your relationship is not in the best place is if one or both of you do not discuss the future. It’s not something that has to happen all of the time, but if you never discuss the intentions for the upcoming several months or couple of years, at the risk of sounding abrupt, what are the two of you doing? Even water, if it’s not moving, starts to small pretty bad. A relationship, even if it’s good, is not that great if it’s not constantly moving forward.

You personally feel stuck. This is a great point to keep in mind. When you’re in a great relationship, one of the telling signs will be that you’re flourishing as an individual. A healthy connection with someone is a lot like an electric charge. It helps to make you feel energized and positive and alive! If you’re not feeling this way, if instead you feel drained, that’s not good. It’s time to set up a coffee date to talk about your relationship. Life is too short to associate love with feeling stuck. Especially sense it should be doing the exact opposite: it should be ever-propelling you to even greater and higher dimensions than before!

The Peanut Gallery: 5 Signs That Your Friends Are Too Involved in Your Relationship

When you first meet someone that you really like, what’s the first thing that you usually want to do? Tell your friends about them, right? Your friends are the ones who you go to for support. In life, your friends are your biggest cheerleaders!

But when you’re just starting a relationship with someone, it’s important that you’re cautious about how much information that you share with other people. On one hand, you do need your friends to be aware that something is going on in case you need some advice. But on the other, you also need to make sure that you don’t look up and realize that you’ve talked so much about the situation that they might as well be in the relationship right along with you!

Based on how close you are to your friends, finding the balance can be really hard to do. So, if you’d like a few tips on how to know if the people in your life are way too involved in your relationship, here are some telltale signs:

You communicate with them---while on the date. If you were to ask a personal matchmaker for their opinion on this topic, they would probably tell you that you need to turn your phone off (or at least set it on vibrate) while you’re on a date. That way, you can give them your undivided attention. But if you feel that you must keep it on (???), make sure not to text your friends or basically live Tweet your date. Whatever is happening---or not happening---you have plenty of time to talk about. Once you get home.

Your friends pressure you out of your comfort zone. Here’s a scenario to consider. You’re on your third date with someone and one of your friends calls you that night, but you send it to voice mail. Then the next day, you’re bombarded with calls and texts asking you what you were doing that kept you from calling them back. When you respond with “The time got away from me”, they are relentless in trying to “read between the lines”. Your friends are not your parents. If you are always feeling pressured to share more than you’d like, they are way too involved in your relationship.

Their perspectives trump your own. One of the blessings that comes from having friends is that they’re able to see things from a different angle or perspective than you. But no matter what their opinion may be, it’s still their opinion and they are not in your relationship. If you find yourself not being able to make a decision without talking to one of your friends first, that’s a red flag. It’s even more of one when that they think can sway you away from your own feelings. Friends should definitely give you something to think about, but be careful if they have the power to always change your mind.

They try and “friend” or “follow” the person you’re seeing. Say that you and the person you’re dating have gotten to a point of double dating with some of your friends and all goes well. Even if your friends call you afterwards to say “You know, I think they’re pretty awesome”, discourage them from trying to become friends with them on Facebook or following them on Twitter or Instagram; especially if you’re not even doing it yet. Your friends care about you and so it’s natural for them to want to look out for you. But the last thing that you need is for them to give you hour-by-hour updates about what’s going on in the person that you’re seeing’s social (media) life.

You constantly talk about them. Another somewhat subtle indication that your friends are too involved in your relationship is that you find yourself talking about your friends to the person you’re dating all of the time. Although it’s not nearly as tacky as talking about an ex, it can still be a bit uncomfortable for your date. For instance, if they suggest taking a day trip to another city and you say “Yeah, I mentioned something like that to my friend. They don’t think it would be a good idea”, that doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship; it actually sounds more like a codependent one. A relationship needs to be between two people, not several. So, if you’re constantly talking about your friends or you are so reliant on them that you don’t feel like you can do anything without their approval, not only are they too involved in your relationship, but they could be the reason why it may come to an abrupt end. Bottom line: Keep your friends in the loop but not overly involved. It’s a small piece of advice that can be truly beneficial to your relationship in the long run!

Sexual History: What You Should (and Shouldn't Share) During the Early Stages

The information age. Without a doubt, we definitely live in it. In some ways, that’s good because you’re able to hop online to read the latest news or catch up with your family and friends on various social media platforms. At the same time though, it can also be “a bit much” because it can also cause you to talk about some things that should still be considered private.

Take your sexual history, for example. Although the media makes it seem like “hooking up” is no big deal, we’re still believers that sex is a pretty special and personal activity. That it’s something you should share on an “as need to know basis” and usually, that’s not during the first couple of dates.

So, just how do you find the balance between what is smart to share about your sex life and what really is TMI (Too Much Information)? A part of the answer lies in your personality.

For instance, if you were to ask a professional matchmaker that question, one of the things they might tell you is if you are naturally shy and your date asks you “Have you ever had a one-night stand?” it’s OK to tell them that you don’t like to divulge that kind of information. But what if you’re a super outgoing extrovert? If that’s the case, it might be best for you to pull in the reins just a bit. Saying “yes” is fine. Giving the blow-by-blow details may be taking it to the extreme.

However, there are a few others things to keep in mind when it comes to talking about your sexual history during the early stages of dating. Ones that can ultimately help to keep both you and your date at ease.

Say what you would want to hear. Here’s what we mean by that. Some people ask sexual questions out of pure curiosity while others are basically being intrusive and nosey. When you’re just getting to know someone, it can be hard to tell the difference and so there’s a simple rule to keep in mind: say as much as you would want to hear. For instance, if they ask you how many people you’ve had sex with, answer the question only if you want to know their answer. Or if they’re curious about how many STD tests you’ve taken, let them know only if you want to know the same. By saying upfront that you should not be expected to answer anything that they wouldn’t want to, not only does it help them to be more aware of their inquiries, but it also helps to create some boundaries when it comes to your own comfortability level too.

Names and details aren’t necessary. Anyone who took a basic biology or anatomy class knows how sex works. Therefore, they don’t need you to be their personal instructor. What we mean by that is this. It’s one thing to only talk about your personal sex rules like you don’t have sex on the first date. It’s also OK to talk about the sexual advances in the past that didn’t work or some lessons about relationships and sex that you learned back when you were in college. But if someone asks you to name the best sex you ever had or to tell you about the acts you will and won’t do, you definitely don’t need to feel like you have to cross those lines. It’s one thing to want to know more about a person. It’s another thing to basically use them as an unofficial sex hotline. Any person who wants to talk about sex more than just about anything else doesn’t need to be on a date. They need to be on Tinder. Or another kind of, um, website.

Talk about what’s relevant. At the end of the day, your sexual history is just that: history. A mature person is not only going to know that, but they are going to accept it too. So, the moment that you feel that things are getting a bit too deep for your personal comfort level, bring the conversation back to what’s relevant and that is you and them. Share what your standards are. Talk about the importance of safe sex and getting tested. Be open when it comes to what you want to transpire before sex even becomes an issue or practice. Sex does not need to be a topic that should be avoided during the early stages of dating. However, look at it like the icing on the cake rather than the whole cake. In other words, work on establishing mutual intimacy…and sex, one way or another, will take care of itself.

Non-Negotiables: 6 Things That You Shouldn't Be Willing to Compromise

One of the biggest mistakes that people make when it comes to relationships is refusing to compromise. If you happen to go into one with the mindset that it’s all about you, trust us, that’s a surefire way to end up all alone.

However, when you’re just starting a relationship with someone, there’s another mistake that transpires much more often than it ever should: People end up being so desirous of being with someone that they never really stop to think about what their deal breakers should be. And yes, when you’re single and looking for “the one”, you should definitely have a set of deal breakers; things that you’re not open to negotiating because, if you do, you will ultimately compromise your own personal standards and values.

Being that each person is different, these “non-negotiables” will vary. But there are six things that no one should be willing to bend on. Because if you do, they very well could break you.

Don’t compromise on the kind of relationship that you want. If you were to meet with a professional matchmaker, aside from the qualities that you’re looking for in a person, something else that they are going to ask you is the kind of relationship that you’re looking for. If you wish to casually date, there’s nothing wrong with that, but don’t say that if you’re actually ready to get married. There are a lot of people who wasted years of their life involving themselves with someone who was a good person but who wasn’t on the same page as them when it came to what they were looking to get out of a relationship. Time is precious. Don’t waste it.

Don’t compromise on your relational needs. If you’re someone who likes receiving loads of physical affection, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to get involved with someone who hates PDA (Public Displays of Affection). Or if you’re someone who makes a big deal about special days like birthdays and Christmas, you’re definitely going to find yourself disappointed with someone who honestly couldn’t care less about those things. Some people are not meant to be in a relationship with one another, they’re just meant to be friends. This is oftentimes the case when two people do not have similar relational needs.

Don’t compromise your beliefs and values. Say that you’ve decided that you don’t want to have sex (or have sex again) until you’re married. Then you meet someone and although the two of you hit it right off, they have made it crystal clear that sex is a very important part of their dating life expectations. Although there’s probably going to be a part of you that’s tempted to give the relationship a shot, it’s not fair to you to overlook your own standards nor is it fair to pressure them to go alone with them. 9 times out of 10, you’ll only end up resenting each other. That’s why, whatever your personal beliefs and values are, it’s imperative that you honor them. No matter what.

Don’t compromise your self-worth. Although there’s a lot of talk about not tolerating being in a relationship with someone who is physically or verbally abusive, there are other ways to be mistreated than that. Some of the signs of emotional abuse include manipulation, a lack of empathy and compassion, not validating your feelings and divulging your personal business to others without your permission. Also, another sign of abuse is neglect and doing things that causes you to constantly feel as if you are being taken for granted. No relationship is worth your self-esteem, self-respect or self-worth. If you even remotely sense that any of these things are transpiring, you need to end the relationship. And no, it should not be up for negotiation.

Don’t compromise your expectations. OK, this one is not quite as black-and-white as it sounds simply because some people’s expectations are a bit unrealistic. But if your expectations include things like wanting the person that you’re seeing to keep their word and to communicate consistently, there is nothing unrealistic about that. A wise man once said that we teach people how to treat us. Share your relational expectations upfront and if the person you’re dating refuses to honor them, it’s OK---recommended even---to end the relationship. Better to do it now than to find yourself standing before a judge in divorce court later.

Don’t compromise your boundaries. If you’ve never read the book Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend) before, it’s one that we highly recommend. Everyone needs to have boundaries because they show other people what kind of actions are, and are not, acceptable. If you don’t want to be spoken to a certain kind of way and the person you’re seeing does it anyway, that’s the violation of a boundary. Or if you desire to wait for a certain amount of time before making a relationship more serious and you keep getting pressured to “move ahead of schedule”, that too is a violation of a boundary. Someone who really cares about you isn’t going to want to do anything that will cause you to feel uncomfortable. If the person you’re seeing is causing you to feel that way, convey it first. If nothing changes, yes, end the relationship. Don’t feel bad about doing so either. Wanting to be with someone who doesn’t disrespect your boundaries should definitely be…non-negotiable.

Faking It: 5 Signs You're Hiding Your True Self While Dating

Ask anyone from your closest married friend to the best professional matchmaker on the market and they’re going to tell you that it’s normal---and even advisable---to want to put your best foot forward when you’re starting a new relationship. After all, it’s those first initial impressions that tend to last a really long time.

However, it’s one thing to want to present yourself in a great light.

It’s another thing entirely to want to hide your true self.

The purpose of dating is for two people to spend time together in order to see if they can take things to the level of something more serious (and hopefully lasting). Therefore, it’s never a good idea to be so scared of being authentic that you actually end up creating a whole ‘nother persona. The reason why is because if the person you’re seeing ends up falling in love with “the fake you”, you’re always going to have to be that person.

And you know what? Not only is it exhausting to do that, but it’s also totally unrealistic as well. Sooner or later, the real you is going to reveal itself and there’s no guarantee that they’re going to want to stick around once that happens.

And to tell you the truth, if things do play out that way, it’s understandable. They fell for someone who, in all actuality, doesn’t exist.

That’s why it’s best to avoid all of that drama from the very beginning; from date one.

If you’re curious about some of the telling signs that you might have a tendency to hide your true self while you’re dating---or that the person you are dating is doing it---here are five that you definitely should not ignore.

You don’t have an opinion. Although there aren’t a ton of people on the planet who want to establish a relationship with someone who is always confrontational or combative, it’s also pretty rare for folks to want to interact with individuals who don’t have much of an opinion at all. Say that your date brings up something going on in the news or pop culture and they ask you “So, what do you think about it?” Here’s the thing: they wouldn’t ask you if they didn’t want to know what you thought. Deflecting conversations by shrugging your shoulders and then asking them for their views may seem like you’re being accommodating. However, it usually conveys that your personality is pretty bland, even if that couldn’t be further from the truth. For this reason, speaking up works in your favor.

You defer to them on just about everything. Even if you were able to get past the first and second date without letting the real you come out, they might start to catch on around date three when they ask you what you want to do and you respond by saying things like “I’m happy with whatever you choose.” Even if that is literally the case, by stating what you find to be fun, that helps them to get to know you better. New relationships should have some spontaneity and diversity. It’s hard for that to happen unless both people are bringing their personal tastes to the table.

You ignore what’s bothering you. Yeah, you probably shouldn’t run down your list of pet peeves during your first date. But once you’re at the point where you both consider yourselves to be dating each other, it’s OK to speak up about things that really bother you. For example, if your date never seems to put their phone down during dinner and that’s the equivalent of fingernails on the chalkboard for you, don’t feel bad about letting them know. Actually, it’s only fair because if you’re quiet about it now, it sends the message that all is well. This means that if you do end up marrying them, you’re going to come off as controlling and also hard to deal with if you wait until then to voice your views.

You’re becoming bitter and resentful. Even if initially you think it’s a good idea to hide who you are, pretending is exhausting and eventually you’re going to be like that simmering pot that’s on the verge of boiling over! If every time you’re out on a date, you find yourself biting your tongue and becoming bitter and resentful as a direct result, this is a telltale sign that you’re keeping your real self at bay.

You put their wants and needs above your own. The more time that you spend with someone, the more you’re going to care about them. That’s completely normal and healthy. But when it gets to the point where your wants and needs are always put on the back burner just to keep the peace, that is when you’re headed towards being in the kind of relationship that is codependent at best and toxic at worst. Healthy relationships have a type of consistent mutuality where both people are getting what they need. But if you’re not sharing what’s important to you, it’s going to be hard for that to happen. Don’t do yourself, the person you’re dating and the relationship a disservice by holding back your personal relational requirements. Respect yourself and them enough to reveal who you truly are---so that real love has the best chance to develop!

Considering Casual Sex? 6 Reasons to Rethink It

The hook-up culture. Although there are plenty of published articles, news specials and even college students who will vouch for the fact that it’s a pretty big trend that is apparently here to stay (at least for the time being), just because something is popular, that doesn’t make it right. Or wise. Or safe.

STDs are still alive and well. Unplanned (that are also sometimes unwanted) pregnancies still happen. So does a lot of the drama and confusion that can oftentimes result in participating in casual sex.

So, whether you’re someone who is teetering between signing up on Tinder (eh) or investing in a professional matchmaking service like Tawkify (a must better decision), or you’re simply curious about if there’s still a good reason to wait past the first (or even fifth) date to have sex, please take out a moment to read this article.

Yes, casual sex is all the rage right now.

But it’s also something to think long and hard about before actually deciding to do it.

The definitions of casual suck. There’s really no better way to put it. Casual means “without definite or serious intentions”. Casual means “careless or offhand”. Casual also means “apathetic”, “unconcerned” and “without emotional intimacy or commitment”. Even if you’re not looking to get married in the near future, you still deserve to be with someone who isn’t going to be careless with you, someone who isn’t going apathetic about your needs. Casual sex literally means “sex without emotional intimacy”. That might be fun for a while but sooner or later, you’re going to want more than that, don’t you think?

Condoms are not 100 percent effective. Condoms are definitely one of the best things to ever happen to birth control but you know what grandma told you. The only thing that is 100 percent is abstinence. And since a lot of thought and planning oftentimes does not go into casual sex (because again, one of the definitions of casual is unconcerned), this means that you may end up sleeping with someone on the first date and/or without requiring any of their sexual history (and by that, we mean an STD test). Casual doesn’t mean “not without consequences”. For the sake of your health, casual sex should be avoided.

It can cause “emotional mirages”. When someone is in the desert and they are parched and dehydrated, their mind may play tricks on them. In the sand, they may see what appears to be water when really it’s just a mirage. Along these same lines, when someone really likes a person or is super desirous of a relationship, they might think that good sex is a precursor to a great relationship. Although it happens sometimes, there are even more times when it doesn’t. Here’s the point: Just because someone makes you feel good, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they are good for you. Casual sex can hinder you from actually knowing the difference between the two.

Things can fizzle out really quickly. If you start off with sex as the “main course” of the relationship, while it may start off all hot and heavy, it can also cause things to stop rather abruptly as well. In some ways, casual sex is very similar to a buzz from your favorite drink. It can make you feel pretty awesome; that is, until the stimulant wears off. That’s why there are some people who will say that right after their sex romp is over, they want to be anywhere but with the person they just had sex with. Sex should be about intimacy; not getting a quick fix.

Casual sex lacks fidelity. Although a lot of college students involved in the hook-up culture probably like the fact that it’s “sex without a lot of expectations”, as we start to mature, we realize that what all of that basically boils down to is “privileges without the responsibility”. It’s pretty close to impossible to expect any kind of fidelity from a casual sex situation. So, if you want a solid relationship, cultivate a friendship and a real connection first. Then have sex. The other way around tends to backfire.

It usually doesn’t give you all of what you want. If you only want sex and nothing else…OK. However, we’re thinking that if you’ve been following this blog for a while, you probably desire a bit more than that and personally, we think that is awesome! Although sex should be an important part of any loving and committed relationship, it’s hard to cultivate that if (only) sex is the foundation. You have all of the time in the world to have sex. And more importantly, sex should not come at the expense of you not getting all of what you want. That said, casual sex should be not expected to be a precursor for a healthy and lasting relationship. If you want things like love, happiness and commitment, don’t rely casual sex to give them to you. Get all of what you want, starting with establishing a heartfelt connection that’s built on mutual attraction, interest and a desire for the same things---mind, body and spirit---first. Then sex will be special. And that far exceeds the kind that is casual.