Non-Negotiables: 6 Things That You Shouldn't Be Willing to Compromise

One of the biggest mistakes that people make when it comes to relationships is refusing to compromise. If you happen to go into one with the mindset that it’s all about you, trust us, that’s a surefire way to end up all alone.

However, when you’re just starting a relationship with someone, there’s another mistake that transpires much more often than it ever should: People end up being so desirous of being with someone that they never really stop to think about what their deal breakers should be. And yes, when you’re single and looking for “the one”, you should definitely have a set of deal breakers; things that you’re not open to negotiating because, if you do, you will ultimately compromise your own personal standards and values.

Being that each person is different, these “non-negotiables” will vary. But there are six things that no one should be willing to bend on. Because if you do, they very well could break you.

Don’t compromise on the kind of relationship that you want. If you were to meet with a professional matchmaker, aside from the qualities that you’re looking for in a person, something else that they are going to ask you is the kind of relationship that you’re looking for. If you wish to casually date, there’s nothing wrong with that, but don’t say that if you’re actually ready to get married. There are a lot of people who wasted years of their life involving themselves with someone who was a good person but who wasn’t on the same page as them when it came to what they were looking to get out of a relationship. Time is precious. Don’t waste it.

Don’t compromise on your relational needs. If you’re someone who likes receiving loads of physical affection, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to get involved with someone who hates PDA (Public Displays of Affection). Or if you’re someone who makes a big deal about special days like birthdays and Christmas, you’re definitely going to find yourself disappointed with someone who honestly couldn’t care less about those things. Some people are not meant to be in a relationship with one another, they’re just meant to be friends. This is oftentimes the case when two people do not have similar relational needs.

Don’t compromise your beliefs and values. Say that you’ve decided that you don’t want to have sex (or have sex again) until you’re married. Then you meet someone and although the two of you hit it right off, they have made it crystal clear that sex is a very important part of their dating life expectations. Although there’s probably going to be a part of you that’s tempted to give the relationship a shot, it’s not fair to you to overlook your own standards nor is it fair to pressure them to go alone with them. 9 times out of 10, you’ll only end up resenting each other. That’s why, whatever your personal beliefs and values are, it’s imperative that you honor them. No matter what.

Don’t compromise your self-worth. Although there’s a lot of talk about not tolerating being in a relationship with someone who is physically or verbally abusive, there are other ways to be mistreated than that. Some of the signs of emotional abuse include manipulation, a lack of empathy and compassion, not validating your feelings and divulging your personal business to others without your permission. Also, another sign of abuse is neglect and doing things that causes you to constantly feel as if you are being taken for granted. No relationship is worth your self-esteem, self-respect or self-worth. If you even remotely sense that any of these things are transpiring, you need to end the relationship. And no, it should not be up for negotiation.

Don’t compromise your expectations. OK, this one is not quite as black-and-white as it sounds simply because some people’s expectations are a bit unrealistic. But if your expectations include things like wanting the person that you’re seeing to keep their word and to communicate consistently, there is nothing unrealistic about that. A wise man once said that we teach people how to treat us. Share your relational expectations upfront and if the person you’re dating refuses to honor them, it’s OK---recommended even---to end the relationship. Better to do it now than to find yourself standing before a judge in divorce court later.

Don’t compromise your boundaries. If you’ve never read the book Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend) before, it’s one that we highly recommend. Everyone needs to have boundaries because they show other people what kind of actions are, and are not, acceptable. If you don’t want to be spoken to a certain kind of way and the person you’re seeing does it anyway, that’s the violation of a boundary. Or if you desire to wait for a certain amount of time before making a relationship more serious and you keep getting pressured to “move ahead of schedule”, that too is a violation of a boundary. Someone who really cares about you isn’t going to want to do anything that will cause you to feel uncomfortable. If the person you’re seeing is causing you to feel that way, convey it first. If nothing changes, yes, end the relationship. Don’t feel bad about doing so either. Wanting to be with someone who doesn’t disrespect your boundaries should definitely be…non-negotiable.

You CAN'T Be Serious: 6 First Date Red Flags

Have you ever had a friend call you upset about a relationship gone wrong? And while they’re going down the list of all of the hurtful things that happened, did you happen to hear them say “I don’t know how it got to this point. I never saw it coming.”

*sigh*

It’s true. Sometimes people can blindside you. But you know what, more times than not, there were warning signs, even from the very first date, that went overlooked. Signs that could’ve us spared weeks, months or even years of drama and heartache if they had simply been adhered to.

In the hopes that you can avoid this kind of shock, if you have a hot first date coming up, we wanted to share with you a few red flags to look out for. That way, you won’t get burned.

Red Flag #1: You see a wedding ring. There are some people who wear rings on the third finger of their left hand, even if they’re single. So if you happen to see one there and you want to clarify what it is, by all means do that. But if they tell you it’s a wedding ring, even if they say they are separated or divorcing, it’s a red flag. People are married until they are officially divorced and even then, they usually need some time to process and heal. That’s why it’s best to stay out of those kinds of situations. Oh, and if you notice a tan line around that same finger, take that as another sign to steer clear. Just trust us on that.

Red Flag #2: They talk about having a bad financial situation. A gold digger is not something to aspire to be. That’s not what we’re talking about here, though. If when you and your date start conversing, they mention not having a lot of money, recently losing their job or trying to make ends meet, they could be dropping a hint that they may not be in the position to pay for the date---including their part of it. These days, a lot of people prefer to go Dutch, which is OK. But if you went into the date with the assumption that the financial responsibility would not fall on you and you start to see that it’s going to end up doing just that, you may be put into that position again. And again. And again. Bottom line, be careful with the “I’m broke” hustle.

Red Flag #3: You feel like you’re being controlled. Say your first date is a dinner date. If when you try and place your drink or food order, your date cuts you off and tells the server that you would prefer something else, don’t overlook that. Once the two of you become closer and establish a type of intimacy (and understanding) about what you like and how you want your dates to go, that’s one thing. But when they are just getting to know you? Yeah, pushiness is not cool. In fact, it’s sometimes it’s a sign of a controlling individual and you do not want to be in a relationship with that type of person.

Red Flag #4: They talk about themselves. The entire time. Arrogant people don’t look for dates. They look for fans. One way to know that/if you are dating an ego maniac is if they spend the entire time talking about themselves. Another flag is if you can’t seem to get a word in edge-wise to the point that by the end of your date, you can basically count on one hand the amount of words you got to say. The way relationships start are the way they oftentimes remain. If you give your date the impression that you don’t mind not having a voice, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll never be heard.

Red Flag #5: They live at home. If you’re dating someone who’s college-age, that’s one thing. But if they are in their 30s (or over) and they mention living with their parents or grandparents, you might want to investigate that a bit further. Yes, the economy is tough and we all have challenges here and there but don’t assume that an adult who lives at home has a simple story. Also, if you choose to overlook it, also don’t assume that dating is going to be easy or even convenient. An adult living on their own speaks to having a certain level of responsibility and stability. A person who says “Yeah, I still live with my mom” deserves to get a follow-up question like “Oh, so you’re pursuing your education or something?” And please, by all means, listen for the answer. And make sure it’s a good one.

Red Flag #6: They give backhanded compliments. Passive aggressive people can be so annoying. They also tend to be the ones who offer up backhanded compliments. You know, ones like “You’re cute. From your online profile, I thought you were thinner though” or “I like your style. If I had known you were so short, I would’ve dressed differently though.” Ugh. A backhanded compliment is about as bad a half apology: “I’m sorry but if you hadn’t have such-and-such, I wouldn’t have so-and-so.” Whether it’s a relationship coach, a professional matchmaker or even your more, they all are going to agree with the fact that you are worthy of someone who will easily and clearly praise you. If your date isn’t doing it, if they seem to be slick insulting you instead, that’s a red flag. And it probably needs to be your first and last date with that individual too.