Be Thankful. How to Not Take Your Significant Other for Granted.

Can you believe that Thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away? Really, where does the time go? And as you’re in the process of putting your travel arrangements and menu together, if you happen to be in a relationship this year, we thought we’d take out a moment to dedicate a piece to what Thanksgiving is ultimately all about: being thankful for all of the blessings in life.

Whether you met your significant other through a professional matchmaker, a friend or love simply and “randomly” caught you by surprise, one way to show that special someone just how grateful you are to have them in your life is to not take them for granted. Below, here are five ways to do just that.

Tell them how you feel. It really is amazing (and a bit tragic) how many relationships end up going south simply because one or both individuals assumed that their partner knew how they felt about them. The reality is that when relationship are fresh and new, there tends to be a lot more effort that is put into them. But as the old saying goes “The way you get someone is often how you are able to keep them.” It only takes a moment to send a text to say “You know, I’m so glad to have you in my life” and a Hallmark card only costs a couple of bucks. But that little bit of effort can really go a long way. Definitely make the time to tell the one you care about how you feel.

Plan dates. In relationships, there is usually one who is a bit more proactive than the other---and for the most part, that’s cool. But try and avoid getting into the habit of expecting your significant other to do all of the work when it comes to planning out your dates. By calling them up with a “surprise” every once in a while (and by that, we mean more than a couple of times per year!), it shows that you’re taking some real initiative. Plus, it also shows that they are on your mind and you want to let them know. Not only with words, but action.

Apologize. Only in toxic relationships do some people find themselves intentionally hurting the ones who they claim to care about. But in healthier ones, sometimes you can still find yourself “dropping the ball”. The problem is not so much in doing something wrong as not owning up to it. Making apologies does not only display an act of humility, but the sooner you do it, the more you show that you value the person you’re with enough to want to make corrections as soon as possible. And that’s awesome.

Acknowledge their efforts. Unfortunately, it’s kind of human nature for people to look at “the cloud” rather than the “silver lining”; especially in relationships. Being that you’re not going to get everything right all of the time, you should be willing to extend this same grace to the person you’re seeing. They are going to make mistakes sometimes, but if you see that they are trying to do better, praise them for that. Encouragement goes a lot further than discouragement does. You can take that to the bank every time.

Be available. Once a title (or at the very least a mutual decision) is put on a relationship, some people’s actions (or lack thereof) conveys that, to them, they are automatically available. Meaning, “I’m with you, so you should understand that you can call whenever. I’m just a call away.” However, the title of “boyfriend and girlfriend” or “exclusive dating” only holds real merit if you’re treating your boyfriend or girlfriend as if they are receiving exclusive treatment. So yes, when they call, they should be able to reach you but you should also call them too. When they are upset, you should be the shoulder they can cry on. When they have great news, you should be their biggest cheerleader. In short, you should be available, proactively so, in their life. It’s one of the simplest yet most profound ways to show that you do not take them for granted. Happy Thanksgiving!

Love Relationships. Hate Dating. In a Relationship. Here's What to Do

So, you’re contemplating using a professional matchmaker in hopes of finding the love of your life. But here’s the thing: A part of the reason why dating has not worked for you in the past is because, well, you don’t really like dating.

So, is it safe to say that you’re already excited about reading this article being that you probably thought you were the only one who feels that way? The reality is that although there are a lot of benefits that come with taking the traditional dating route, at the same time, we get that there are some people who feel like the whole concept of dating can sometimes feel a bit “forced” and “routine”. And so, they’d prefer something to happen more organically than always planning something to do.

If you fit that bill, we have good news and we also have a reality check. Let’s go with the reality check first: Unless you’re going to start seeing someone you already know, you’re going to need to get at least a couple of dates out of the way. But once you’ve been on about three and you and the person you’ve been seeing have discovered that you’re both on the same page when it comes to the whole “dating scene”, here are some ways to date each other…without actually dating.

Cook at home. Did you know there are studies which cite that cooking together is not only healthier, but can literally help to improve your relationship? That’s because when you’re doing things with someone you care about, without any distractions, it helps you to feel so much more connected to them. And that can ultimately lead to a happier kind of relationship overall.

Find a mutual hobby. Something else that can be a lot of fun is to find a hobby that the both of you can do together. It could be taking an art class, going hiking or making pottery. Just make sure that it’s something you both are genuinely interested in. That way, it feels more like a skill that you’re developing while spending a bit of quality time together and not simply an activity to appease one more than the other.

Pitch a tent (indoors). I mean, you can also pitch a tent outside, but if it’s a bit chilly or you’re not the fondest of the critters that roam in the nighttime hours, you can always make a fort indoors too. String some lights, play some music, order some of your favorite food and then lie on top of a few throw pillows until you talk yourself to sleep. It’s romance without a ton of work. (For tips on how to build your own tent, click here).

Learn about each other’s favorite things. You can learn a lot about someone by discovering their favorite foods, favorite music, favorite movies and cities (etc.). So, one night make a point to listen to some of each other’s favorite songs. Another night, go on Netflix or Hulu to see if each other’s favorite movies are available to watch. One weekend, take a road trip. It won’t feel like “dating”. It will feel more like…intimacy.

Be spontaneous. Sitting on the phone on a Thursday, asking each other what you both want to do on a Saturday, can sometimes feel more like an obligation than anything else. If you’re both pretty keen on surprises, put forth the effort to be a bit spontaneous. Get up and go to a festival in the city. Have breakfast food for dinner at a 24-hour café. Stroll along the streets downtown, just because. Dating doesn’t have to feel like work. It’s all about doing what you want…in a way that suits the two of you. Best.

Love Nurturing: 6 Things That Can Help Your Relationship to Grow

There’s a movie from the mid-90s called Love Jones. In it, there’s a line from one of the married man who’s going through some problems in his relationship. While talking to one of his single friends about what’s going on, he says “Everyone talks about falling in love. Can someone please tell me how to stay there?”

Whether you find the right match through a matchmaker, a friend or fate, any couple who’s been together for more than a couple of years will tell you that making a relationship work (and last) is about a whole lot more than having strong feelings for another person. Love is awesome, miraculous even---yet it’s also a lot of work.

Actually, if you make sure to do these following six tips, “work” may not be something that can be avoided. Maintenance may be more of what your relationship will need. We say that because if you are willing to apply these following things to your relationship, we’re pretty confident that your relationship will continue to develop and mature…into something truly beautiful and lasting.

Be affirming. If you’re aware of the five love languages, then you already know that one of the ways to express love to the one you care about is to provide them with words of affirmation. Basically, these are positive things that you can say to them as a way to boost their confidence and offer support. No, this doesn’t mean that you should say things that aren’t true. It simply means that you should focus on the good things about the person you’re with and make sure that you tell them what those things are. As often as possible.

Set boundaries. There are a lot of people who end up being in a relationship that doesn’t work out; not because of each other but “the peanut gallery” that’s around them. Getting relationship advice from your family members and friends is one thing. Keeping them in the loop about every single issue that comes up in your relationship is something else entirely. All relationships have their ups and downs, but when trying times happen, you’ll probably get over them before your friends will. Not only that but you don’t want to be so caught up in what others are saying that you can’t hear your own thoughts. Setting boundaries with those around you helps to protect you and your relationship.

Date consistently. Something that you can be sure will bring your relationship to a screeching halt is if you don’t see each other on a consistent basis. That doesn’t mean that you have to go on a date 3-4 times each week. What it does mean is when it comes to your list of priorities, cultivating your relationship is on the very top of your list. And one of the best ways to do that is by spending quality time together.

Be romantic. When it comes to romance, something that’s awesome about it is you don’t need to have a ton of money. A Hallmark card is romantic. A rose or two is romantic. A plate of homemade cookies is romantic. A handwritten letter is romantic. A CD of love songs is romantic. A candlelit dinner at home is romantic. A sentimental text out of the blue is romantic. We’re pretty sure you get the gist. Something that separates a relationship from a friendship is romance. Make sure your relationship has plenty of it!

Say “thank you”. When people get really comfortable in a relationship, sometimes that actually results in them becoming lazy. When that happens, they tend to not put as much effort into their relationship as they once did---and still should. One of the ways this becomes evident is through a lack of courtesy. When the person you’re with does something that you appreciate, say “thank you”. It will send the message that most of all, you are thankful for them.

Keep moving forward. For anything to last, it has to grow. That’s why it’s always a good idea to take inventory on your relationship, at least once a season (spring, summer, fall, winter). That way you both can discuss what you want and need from one another to see if you’re both on the page. A relationship that is constantly moving forward is one that is clearly being nurtured in a truly effective way.

Grudge Match: 5 Habits That Ultimately Lead to Resentment

No relationship is perfect. Hopefully, that goes without saying. But there are a lot of them that can be spared from heartbreak or divorce when certain things are put in place in order to preserve and protect it.

Just think about it. Pretty much all of us have either an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend or even an ex-spouse, and if you really stop to think about why (and how) the relationship came to an end, there’s probably not just one thing that you can point out. Honestly, it’s probably a series of issues that either never got fully addressed or one or both of you held in, in order to “keep the peace”---when the reality is all that it really did was build up resentment.

Whether you’re currently in a relationship or you’re just getting back out into the dating scene, we’re pretty sure that at the end of the day, what you desire is true fulfillment. One of the best ways to achieve that goal is to be conscious of the things that can happen that will lead to frustration, bitterness and ultimately resentment. And then accepting what you need to do in order to avoid these responses/reactions.

Here’s a clue. One of them is found in the title of this article…

Avoid holding a grudge. The only way that you’re going to be in a relationship where forgiveness is not required is if you decide to date someone who is perfect. And being that no person on the entire planet is that, it’s important to accept the fact that sometimes they are going to say the “wrong” thing, hurt your feelings or do something that you don’t appreciate. If something that bothers you happens repeatedly, it’s up to you to decide if it’s ultimately a deal breaker or not. But choosing not to forgive someone for making a mistake and then holding a grudge about it is unhealthy and super counterproductive. You want someone who forgives you when you mess up, right? In order for a relationship to truly be successful, it’s always a good idea to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

Keep your expectations realistic. There are a whole lot of people in this world who are always upset and it’s because of one thing: someone disappointed them when it came to not reaching their expectations. There are some people who believe that the best way to prevent this from being an issue is to simply not expect anything. Eh. Personally, we find that to be a bit extreme. Instead, state what your expectations are, then ask the person you’re with what they feel about them in order to reach a common ground. That way, you can get clarity of if they find your expectations to be realistic (or not) and then you both can agree on what you should literally and realistically expect them to do. And not do.

Accept your partner’s individuality. A wise man once said that when two people are just alike, one of them is unnecessary. That’s words to live by when it comes to being in a relationship with someone else. Basically what it means is if you wanted to date a carbon copy of yourself, why date someone at all? Enjoy being single and spending time with yourself instead. That said, being in a relationship is not just about being with someone you care about and spending time with them. It’s also about letting someone into your heart and world so that they can help you to grow as a human being. This means that there are probably going to be some challenges and disagreements along the way. Accepting that can definitely help you to avoid allowing resentment to build up within you.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Passive aggressiveness. We’re honestly not sure if there’s anything worse than it when it comes to trying to keep a relationship balanced and healthy. Basically passive aggressiveness is a form of manipulation. Someone asks you if something is wrong and you say “no” and then sigh and drop hints throughout the rest of the day. You get upset because someone didn’t do what you wanted them to, but here’s the clincher: You never said what that thing is. You simply wanted them to read your mind. One way for you and them to end up developing resentment is if you don’t say what you mean and only expect them to guess. “Communication is key” may sound a bit cliché, but trust us when we tell you that it’s one of the best ways to keep a relationship on solid ground.

Be patient. Relationships require patience. And the reality is a lot of them fail because one or both people fail to accept that fact. Every day is not going to be fun and easy. But every day can be purposeful, a learning experience and a way for both of you to mature and become closer as a direct result. If you’re really and truly willing to embrace this reality, you’ll discover that with each season of your relationship, there will be more to be thankful for and ironically, less to feel resentful about.

Found 'the One': 6 Signs That You've Met Your Long-term Love Match

The one. It’s something that so many people spend much their lives looking for---and understandably so. Some search for the one through professional matchmaking companies. Others use online dating sites. And still there are those who prefer the more “old-fashioned way” by either allowing a family member or friend to hook them up---or they wait for the Universe to join them via a chance meeting at a local coffee shop or grocery store.

Whatever the avenue, if there’s something that anyone who has already found the one for them will tell you, it’s this: While finding the one is not always the easiest thing to do, once you have met the man or woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with, it definitely makes everything that you had to go through in order to do so worthwhile.

Yet in the midst of all of the possibilities that are around you, how can you know, with absolute certainty, that you’ve found the perfect match for you? Although we don’t profess to have all of the answers, hopefully the following six signs will provide you with at least a little bit of clarity. And peace of mind.

They love you (with words and actions). “I love you.” It’s the three words that pretty much all of us long to hear at some point. Yet here’s what you need to keep in mind about them. Love is not simply a sentiment that is put on a Hallmark card. Love is an action word. So, if someone claims that they love you, you should expect them to show it. They need to be physically affectionate. They need to be emotionally passionate. They need to make you feel that you are an extremely important part of their life; someone who is a top priority in their world. “I love you” should be a declaration of an intention to follow that through with doing things. Daily.

They respect you (with words and actions). Respect is about being in a relationship with someone who holds you in high esteem. This means that they are going to speak to you with kindness and courtesy. They are going to honor whatever boundaries that you have put in place. They are going to appreciate you, recognize the time and effort that you put into the relationship. Plus, they are also going to treat you in a dignified manner---both in public and in private. If you don’t have respect in a relationship, no matter how much love you have for one another, it’s not going to be healthy. Respect is paramount.

They’re your cheerleader. When a person gets into a relationship with someone, that doesn’t mean that they lose their individuality. In fact, the right relationship will simply make them believe and feel that when it comes to their dreams, goals and ambitions, the sky truly is the limit! When someone is not intimated by your aspirations but are actually the first ones to say “That’s awesome, babe! You can do it!”, that’s the kind of person that you definitely want to keep in your life for as long as you possibly can. The world can be hard. It’s always comforting to have a cheerleader.

They help you to explore new things. A wise man once said to do something new every day. And while the demands on your schedule may make that pretty close impossible to do, you should at least try something different a few times per month. Newness helps to broaden your perspective and every time that happens, you grow. So yes, if you’re with someone who always has a unique date idea in mind, who encourages you to try new foods, genres of music and activities and wants you to add some new stamps on your passport (or wants you to get a passport for the first time), that’s awesome! They are going to be a whole lot of fun to be around. Plus, you’re sure to experience some spontaneity and surprises along the way!

They tell you that they see forever with you. One mistake that some people make when it comes to relationships is assuming that the person they’ve fallen for has the same intentions as they do; that just because they are hanging out together and having a good time that it’s headed towards the altar (or at least something long-term). Listen, the only way that you are going to know that for sure is if you A) ask or B) they tell you. But if the person you’re falling for says that they feel the same way and there’s no way that they can imagine you not being in their world for the long haul, we’re willing to bet some pretty good money that you did, indeed, have met the one.

They bring out the absolute best in you. When it comes to your friendships, your career path and certainly your relationship, if there’s one thing that they all should have in common, it’s that they should be helping to make you a better person. So, if you don’t like who you are (or have become) with someone, take that as a clear indication that they are definitely not the one for you. On the other hand, if you wake up really feeling like you’re soaring emotionally, intellectually and spiritually because of who you are, in part because of who you are with, they’re a keeper. Let them know that for you, you feel, that they are the one.

Love or Manipulation: 5 Signs That You're Being Used in Your Relationship

Yeah. Do you see the picture that we choose for this particular feature? There are a few striking things about it. For one thing, there is nothing worse than being so manipulated, so controlled, that you might as well be a puppet as someone tugs on your heart strings. Secondly, when you find yourself involved with this kind of person, although it might be hard to hear, they usually have a track record of manipulating others. (You are not the only “puppet”.)

But sometimes, when you feel like you’re in love, it can be hard to either 1) tell or 2) accept that the person you’re with doesn’t truly have your best interest at heart. That they are far more interested in how they can use you to their advantage rather than love you in the way that you deserve. And unfortunately, when it comes to the topic of manipulation, sometimes manipulators are so good at what they do that even the top professional matchmakers in the world can miss the signs. After all, manipulation is masked by deception and deceivers are masters at hiding the truth; especially about themselves.

We know. All of this sounds a bit “dark” and “heavy”, but if you don’t get a hold of what the differences between being loved and being manipulated are, heartbreak is what you’re headed for---and we definitely don’t want you to experience that.

That’s why we want to share with you some of the ways to know that you’re being manipulated in a relationship. So that if you are, you can get out. As soon as you possibly can.

You’re doing all of the work. In a relationship, there are going to be times when things are 50-50 and then there are going to be times when it’s more like 70-30. That’s simply because relationships have seasons and during different ones, people tend to have different needs. And sometimes, one needs more from their partner than their partner needs from them. But if you were to tally up your percentages of give vs. take and hands down, you’re doing most of the work (meaning, they are reaping the benefits of being with you without doing much sowing into your life at all), we hate to break it to you…but you are being manipulated. No doubt about it.

They are not truthful. There are a lot of things that relationships need in order to succeed, but three main ones are love, respect and honesty. Without them, you’re never fully sure who you’re with or where you stand. So, if the person you’re seeing doesn’t answer direct questions, continues to “get caught” in lies or you feel like they are holding back, this means they are not being truthful. And that’s probably because there is something that they don’t want you to know; something that will affect the way you see them and the “hold” that they have over you. Yes, something that liars are known for is manipulation.

You don’t feel “free to be”. Here’s a real doozy. A clear indication of a healthy relationship is that you’ll feel not only safe enough to be yourself but highly encouraged to do so. You won’t feel like every time you turn around, the person you’re with is talking about you needing to alter your appearance, explore another career path or change your friends. While healthy relationships do influence the people in it to improve the quality of their lives, what they don’t do is force that to happen, offer up ultimatums if it doesn’t happen or make either person wonder if they are being loved for who they are---or who the object of their affection is trying to make them out to be.

They don’t take ownership for their mistakes. One thing about being in a relationship with someone is they are human. And so are you. This means that they are flawed. And so are you. Here’s the catcher, though. If you’re the only one who finds yourself acknowledging the mistakes that you make, if you’re the one who always says “I’m sorry”, if you’re the one who is made to feel guilty all of the time but meanwhile, they act as if they are never in the wrong, that is another sign of manipulation. When it comes to manipulators, they think that so long as you feel bad, they have the upper hand; one that they can mentally, emotionally and sometimes even spiritually use to their advantage up the road.

Your identity is gone. Last one (although we could go on with this FOREVER). A manipulator takes great joy in wiping someone’s identity away. What you want doesn’t count unless it’s what they want. How you feel is irrelevant if it differs from theirs. What you think is always secondary to their own thoughts. You are not supposed to be an emotional clone of the person you’re with. You are supposed to be your own individual who is simply sharing your life with someone who has their own distinctiveness. If you find yourself saying “I don’t even know who I am anymore” (or others say something to you along the lines of “What? That doesn’t sound like you…” on a consistent basis), you really should consider ending the relationship or at the very least, bringing the issue to their attention and realigning some boundaries. If you opt for the latter, here’s a word of caution, though: Manipulators don’t like boundaries. In fact, they work to find every way possible, no matter how obvious or subtle, to violate them. We just thought we should mention that as you ponder all of this in order to determine if you’re truly in love…or simply being manipulated.

So in Love: 5 Habits of Happy (and Committed) Couples

Whether it’s your grandparents who’ve been married for over 50 years or your best friend whose face seems to light up every time they see their significant other, have you ever sat and wondered what the real keys to success are when it comes to their relationship?  

Of course, you probably know the “Hallmark version”. That all relationships require things like love, respect and loyalty. But honestly, there are a lot of people who are in the process of going through a divorce or a break-up who started out with those very things. And still, something went awry.

Being in love is one thing. Staying in love is something entirely different.

In order to make a relationship go the distance, there has to be more than emotions and intentions involved. There needs to be real habits that are put into practice; ones that you can’t quickly learn from a professional matchmaker or that you can pick up from a Cosmo article, try for a couple of weeks, and quit. No, in order to be in the kind of happy and committed relationship that you’ve always dreamed of, there are some things that you’re going to have to choose to do, consistently.

Here are five of ‘em.

They are work on building a really strong friendship. Any relationship book, article or blog that’s worth its salt is going to mention that a relationship that’s based on a true friendship is the best kind that anyone can have. There are several reasons why. Friends are open with one another. Friends can trust one another. Friends like one another. And honestly, it’s during the tough times when “like” will take you a long way. Why? Because you’ll be able to use what you have in common, your senses of humor and your devotion and affection towards one another to get you through the tough times. This is why happy and committed couples are always making sure that they are growing as friends…that they are doing what is needed to become the absolute best of friends.

They make time for one another. Happy and committed couples don’t just “have time”, they make it. Honestly, this runs the gamut. They make sure to connect by phone, text and/or email on a daily basis. They plan dates ahead of time. They make sure that they are emotionally “on call” for one another. In short, they do all that they can to let each other know that they are a priority in each other’s lives. Days don’t go by without communicating. Weeks don’t go by without seeing one another (even if it’s long distance, they Skype and budget to take trips). They are mutually invested. And one of their main investments is time.

They work on being holistically intimate. There’s no way to get around the fact that sex is an important part of a relationship. At the same time, happy and committed couples know that it takes a lot more than that to become truly intimate with one another. They are aware that emotional intimacy and a mental and spiritual connection are paramount too. That’s why they make sure that they communicate well. They seek to meet each other’s emotional needs. And if there are problems that arise, they strive, together, to get them resolved just as soon as possible. Happy and committed couples understand how powerful their connection is. They have absolutely no desire in allowing things to get in the way of it. Especially things that they can control.

They are each other’s cheerleaders. If you were to get a roomful of individuals who’ve cheated on their companions before and you asked them why they did it, you might be surprised by the amount who will say that they didn’t feel encouragement or support from their partner. Truly, there is nothing like feeling as if you are celebrated in the world, only to come home and be nagged, nitpicked or made to feel like you’re never really good enough or are doing enough. Happy and committed couples know that if anyone should be in their significant other’s corner, telling them that they are awesome and that, for them, the sky is the limit, they should be the first in line.

They leave the past in the past. Hopefully, it’s a given that happy and committed couples leave their love lives with others in the past. Actually, what we mean by this is that they leave the mistakes, arguments and issues that occur within their relationship with one another behind them. In other words, happy and committed couples know that 1) neither of them is perfect which means that 2) they have to be willing to forgive. In fact, couples who are quick to pardon one another’s offenses are couples who tend to stay together, happily so, for a very, very long time. It makes sense too because a person who can ask for forgiveness shows signs of true humility and a person who can forgive shows signs of great strength. Both of which are keys to a truly happy and committed relationship!

True Fulfillment: 6 Things Every Relationship Needs

Say that you were to sit down with a professional matchmaker today to talk about all of what you’re looking for in a relationship. There’s a pretty good possibility that what you’ll list are the things that you want. But the reality is that for any relationship to grow and last, it’s actually more important to know what you need.

While great looks, a sense of humor and a mutual chemistry are always great, if you’re looking for something beyond a casual dating situation, there are some foundational elements that you must put on the top of your dating priority list as well. Things that will help your relationship to truly go the distance.

And just what are those exactly? Here are the six that immediately come to mind:

Love. This one is probably pretty obvious because of course every relationship needs love! But for the record, love is not just about getting butterflies in your stomach when you see the one you adore. Love is having a deep affection and a profound attachment to them. It’s about caring for them so deeply that their concerns become your own. It’s about doing whatever you can to assist in making them their best possible self. It’s about being lovers, but also being really close friends too.

Respect. No relationship can survive without respect. Respect for each other’s individuality. Respect for each other’s boundaries. Respect for each other’s goals and ambitions. When you respect someone, it’s basically about treating them in the way that you would want to be treated in return. It’s about giving them a sense of dignity, speaking to them in a way that shows that you appreciate them being in your life and esteeming them so that they know that, to you, they are truly special and valuable.

Patience. Sadly, there are a lot of relationships that show great potential, but are not able to go the distance due to a lack of this one thing. Patience is not just about having the ability to wait on someone when they’re running late. No, it is far deeper than that. A dictionary definition of the word is “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like”. In a nutshell, patience is knowing and accepting the fact that no one is perfect and then dealing with their flaws and shortcomings as they come. (And they will come.)

Consistency. Ever heard the quote “No snowflake wants to take the blame for the avalanche”? Well, if there is a little thing that can become a huge problem in a relationship, a lack of consistency goes on the very top of our list! Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who start off being attentive, romantic and giving in their relationships, but as they get more comfortable, with that comes a level of laziness. Suddenly, all of the time, effort and energy that they initially put in is now hit-or-miss. One of the reasons why consistency in a relationship is so important is because it helps to establish trust between both people---and all relationships need that. So yes, consistency leads to trust and trust leads to a really healthy union between you and yours. Why? Because both of you know that who you met is not suddenly going to switch up on you and become someone else. And that’s a really comforting feeling.

Commitment. If the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the word “commitment” is “loyalty”, we get that. But we mean something more when we use the word. The reason why we consider commitment to be a relationship need is because it’s what helps to bring forth clarity when it comes to what both individuals can and should expect, which helps to ultimately brings about stability. If you’re in a committed relationship then you don’t have to wonder where things stand. They are into you, you are into them and you’re both working together to cultivate something bigger and stronger. Which brings us to the final point.

Plans. Far too many couples basically find themselves stuck in a rut due to the fact that they fail to make plans for the future. We don’t mean plans to go to dinner and a movie next weekend. We mean plans for the relationship. It’s always a good idea to “check in” every few months to see if both people are happy (“fulfilled” is an even better word), if things are heading in the right direction and what needs to be done to insure that the relationship continues to thrive. Yep. A couple who plans is a couple who is intentional about making their relationship work. And with that kind of mindset, only good can come from it in the days, weeks and months to come!

Friend or Foe? Is Your Best Friend Helping or Hurting Your Relationship?

Today, I marry my best friend.

If you’ve been to at least 10 weddings in your lifetime, you’ve probably heard a couple say that during their wedding ceremony or it might’ve even been printed up on their wedding program. We like it, not only because it’s such a sweet sentiment, but because when two people make the decision to spend the rest of their lives together, ideally, it’s awesome if they do marry their best friend.

For one thing, that shows signs of the relationship being healthy in many ways. And when a relationship is on a solid footing, a couple really can endure the good times and the bad.

But before a relationship can get to the point and place where both people trust one another more than anyone else on the planet, they each usually have another best friend. Someone who knew them before they ever met the person they are seeing.

If you’re currently in a relationship right now, you think it has real potential and you also have a best friend, you’re going to need your friend’s encouragement and support. Just to make sure that you’re getting it, here are some clear signs that they are actually not helping you when it comes to your love life; instead, they’re hurting it.

They are hypercritical. Say that you met the person you’re seeing through a professional matchmaking company. Even your matchmaker would advise that during the beginning stages of your relationship, you would be open yet cautious. However, it’s one thing to be careful. It’s another thing to be so critical of the person you’re in a relationship that they feel they can’t do anything right. If your best friend sees some potential red flags, you should take note. But if everything they have to say is negative, be a bit leery of that. A good friend is going to want you to find true love, which means they are going to be positive throughout the process. Besides, being critical often is about jealousy or possessiveness more than anything else (ugh). Which brings us to #2.

They are jealous. Although it would be awesome if there was no envy in the world, especially between best friends, sometimes it happens. And one of the times when the green-eyed monster tends to show up is when one friend is single while the other is dating. So, how can you know if your own best friend falls into this category? Good question. Look for things like them not being happy for you, giving backhanded compliments about your relationship (“They’re awesome, if you like that sort of thing.”) or avoiding you altogether (suddenly not returning calls, etc.). In short, look for indications that they are actually making the relationship more about them than you. About you needing to give them attention rather than them being a cheerleader for your love life.

They’re all up in the relationship. Yeah, this one right here is the absolute worst. After the first few dates, if you want to introduce your date to your best friend, that’s fine. On some levels, it’s even encouraged because that way, you can get an “outside perspective” on the situation. But if you’re realizing that they’re suddenly following your date online, wanting to hang out with the both of you all of the time or suggesting that they spend more time together with them in order to cultivate their own relationship…pump the brakes! Knowing the person you’re seeing is cool. Trying to be the third wheel? Not so cool. Even if you share everything, the person you’re dating should be off limits. Not just physically but emotionally too.

They talk too much. One of the wonderful things about having a best friend is you have someone you can tell anything to: your secrets, your fears, your insecurities…everything. But here’s the thing about that: Another great thing about best friends is that they keep your business to themselves. Unless you’re in some sort of danger (and if you are, you need to get out of the relationship pronto!), there is absolutely no reason or justification for why your best friend should be sharing your news with other people---family and mutual friends included. Not only is it a direct boundaries violation, but it could set up the person you’re with to be unfairly judged, pressured or even flat-out humiliated.

They make comparisons. Best friends are close but they are still individuals. This means that it’s OK to have different tastes in people. So watch it if your friend tries to make you second-guess your own judgment just because they might not find the one you’re dating to be attractive or ambitious or basically any other word that you want to throw in there. Bottom line, if all your best friend wants to do is have a size-up competition, they are being a judge. Not a genuine friend.

Being Exclusive: The Expectations That Come with This Kind of Relationship

How many times have you encountered a couple who are not married but are in a serious relationship and they define their status as being “monogamous”? While that tends to be a pretty popular go-to word for one-on-one relationships, what monogamy actually means is “marriage with only one person at a time” or even better “the practice of marrying only once during life”.

That’s why, when it comes to dating situations, we prefer to go with the word “exclusive” instead.

It basically means that you’re in a relationship where seeing other people is not a consideration.

Whew! Now that the two words are cleared up, have you ever wondered what should come with having an exclusive relationship? Because although a professional matchmaker or blind date may help to get a relationship rolling, once you’re in it, it’s up to you and the person you’re seeing to set the bar of expectation between the two of you.

If you need a bit of help doing that, here are some tips to help to provide insight on what should come with being in an exclusive relationship.

There’s no dating other people. Probably the most important factor that comes with being in an exclusive relationship is the fact that both of you have come to the mutual conclusion that you don’t want to date other people. Now, for the record, this shouldn’t mean that you no longer have friends of the opposite sex. Healthy relationships do not consist of people not feeling free to engage other people on a platonic basis. At the same time, what it does mean is that your romantic focus is on one individual, solely. So, if you find yourself wanting to see other folks, it’s important that you have enough integrity to tell the person you’re currently with. Don’t sneak around behind their back. That simply dilutes the definition of exclusive and well, that’s not very cool.

The other person’s needs are paramount. Being married is the ultimate kind of commitment, but being exclusive is pretty important too. When two people decide to see no one other than each other, a part of what comes with that is making each other’s needs a top priority. Someone in an exclusive relationship can’t afford to not communicate regularly, to not spend quality time with the person they’re with or to be too busy (or selfish) to not take their partner’s desires and expectations into consideration as they are factoring in their own. If all of this sounds way too stressful, an exclusive relationship may not be the best thing for you. Casual dating, for now, may be better.

There is a lot of compromising. Oh, this point can’t be stressed enough! A part of the fun in being single is your decisions are pretty much based on you and you alone. This is so not the case when it comes to an exclusive relationship. Take holidays, for example. When you’re in an exclusive relationship, it’s not reasonable to expect that the person you’re with is automatically going to want to do what you want to do (they also may not be able to due to scheduling, etc.). This means that some Thanksgivings and Christmases may have to be spent away from your loved ones in order to accommodate your partner and vice versa. Compromising isn’t always easy, but when you’re in an exclusive relationship, it comes with the territory.

You’re very forthright with information. When you’re casually dating someone, it’s not really necessary to tell them that you’re interested in other people too. That’s because casual dating, by definition, means that there is no set purpose or intention for the relationship (at least not yet). But when you’re in an exclusive relationship, it’s a lot like courting. The goal is to continue to cultivate what you’ve got going and the best way to do that is with complete honesty. When you’re not satisfied, you need to say it. If you’re developing a strong attraction for someone else, it needs to come up. If there are fears or even resentments building up, that needs to be shared. The only way to have a thriving exclusive relationship is if there is trust and the one of the best way to establish trust is through honesty which comes from being forthright with information. It might not always be what your partner wants to hear, but they’ll respect you a whole lot more than if they have to find out---the hard way.

There will be forward movement. An exclusive relationship is not always going to consist of spontaneity and fireworks. At the same time, it shouldn’t be stuck in a rut either. Since being exclusive is about not seeing other people, then a lot of your time, effort and energy should be put into the one you’re with. And if that’s done on a consistent basis, you should definitely see growth and progress within your relationship as a direct result. To us, that’s one of the best things about being an exclusive relationship! One of the ultimate benefits of having one.

Not Interested: How to Handle Rejection with Grace

A man by the name of Mark Amend once said “Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. It means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer.” That’s a comforting thought, but it doesn’t do much for us when we’re actually experiencing rejection for ourselves.

It could be due to a first date gone wrong.

It could be because a professional matchmaker didn’t get it quite right the first time.

It could even be because the person was so critical that they didn’t really give you a chance.

Whatever, the case may be, when you’re on the receiving end of rejection, although it’s totally understandable that you may want to go on the defensive, we actually have some other suggestions in mind. Ways to handle rejection with such a standard of grace that even if there’s not another date with that individual in your future, they won’t be able to forget you either way.

Don’t over-personalize things. While we totally get that it’s hard to not take rejection personally, here’s what you need to remember at all times: Especially during the beginning stages of a relationship, oftentimes two people don’t know each other well enough for it to be so much about the individual as it is personal preferences or even timing. For instance, if you’re looking for something serious and they aren’t, they may not want to go out anymore. Or, if they have a certain type of physical appearance that they’re after and you don’t fit the bill, that doesn’t mean you’re unattractive by any stretch. Bottom line, don’t let what they decide to do affect you to the point where you question your own self-worth and value. No one on this entire planet deserves that much power. NO. ONE.

Ask questions. Honestly, we almost left this point out simply because some people use it as a license to berate who they’re dating. It’s important to keep in mind that no one “owes you” a reason, explanation or defense for why they’d prefer to not see you anymore. Therefore, watch your approach and don’t go on the attack should you choose to ask them why they came to the conclusion that they did. If you’re really open to hearing what they have to say, they might be able to provide some food for thought for your next date---with someone else.

Avoid over-sharing. If you’re a really sensitive person and the rejection has emotionally affected you to the point where you’re really upset about it, please hear us when we say this: Do not go really deep into your feelings with the person who just rejected you. For one thing, it could freak them out. However, there’s actually a far greater reason than that: They don’t deserve to see you that vulnerable. Your emotions are a sacred part of you, so reserve the venting or even crying to when you get home and can talk to one of your closest friends. They have already proven that they can be trusted to have your back. No matter what. That makes them a lot more reliable and dependable than the one who just rejected you.

Thank them for the time spent. Yeah, you might think we’re crazy for even remotely recommending this, but here’s the point. Although everything in life may not go as we’d like for it to, that doesn’t mean that each and every experience doesn’t come with a great lesson. And if we choose to see things from this half-glass-full perspective, then the rejection wasn’t “wrong” or a “waste of time”. It was simply something else to learn from so that you can move on and become an even better person because of it. So, whether they decide to end things on a date, over the phone or (hopefully not because it would be super cowardly) over text or an email, it’s OK---recommended even---to respond with something along the lines of “Thank you for telling me and it was good getting to know you. Take care.” Handling things with grace produces the kind of karma that can only benefit you in the long run.

Pay attention to if there are patterns. One more thing---and this is probably going to be the most uncomfortable tip out of all of them. If what the person you’re dating is saying sounds a bit like déjà vu from people of your past, pay close attention. Sometimes, we’re so focused on being rejected that we don’t listen to why as much as we should. If you’re told that you seem not very personable or that you’re combative or even too clingy, it’s not easy to hear, but taking heed can make the next date work more in your favor. Again, rejection is all in how you look at it. It can make you feel horrible or it can be lesson on how to do things better or differently. The next time. And chin up, there will definitely be a next time.

When They Want More: Sensitive Ways to Slow Down the Relationship

Although many of us dream of meeting our one true love, more times than not, it’s easier said than done. Out of the billions of people on the planet, it really is amazing that it can be so challenging to find our soul mate---the one individual who we feel is just right for us. The one we want to accompany us in this journey we call “life”.

This longing might be a part of the reason why, when we meet someone who we kind of like, we try to force it to be---or to move faster---than it needs to.

C’mon, we’ve all been there before.

You’re hooked up through a professional matchmaker or a good friend. You’re told that they think the person is “perfect” for you and so you give it a shot. And here’s the real catcher: You actually enjoy their company. The issue is that after a few dates, you discover that they are a bit more into you than you are into them. At least for now.

You might feel that way because they are calling you all of the time or they even bring up the possibility of becoming exclusive in the near future. And while you’re not at a point where you can firmly say that there’s not some real potential there, what you do know is you want them to pump their brakes a bit. Again, at least for now.

But how do you do that in such a way where it doesn’t turn them totally off or cause them to not want to allow things to happen a bit more…naturally?

If you’re in a relationship with someone you like, just not love, and while you want to see where it can go, you also want a bit more time and space in the meantime, here are some tips on how to slow down the relationship. Gently and sensitively so.

Put yourself in their shoes. Anyone who’s lived on this planet long enough has experienced some sort of rejection before. And while this is more of a “let’s talk a few steps back” rather than an all-out rejection conversation, it’s still a good idea to practice the Golden Rule; to do unto them what you would want them to do unto you. So before saying anything, take out a moment to think about how you would want to be addressed. That way, you can choose your words, tone and even your body language wisely. Beforehand.

Do it in person. When it comes to semi-serious conversations, nothing says “insensitivity” quite like doing it over the phone. Or worse, sharing thoughts over text or in an email. In fact, not only does it tend to send the message that you’re not the most sensitive person on the planet, but it’s actually a bit on the side of cowardly too. Being that communication is not just about what we say but our facial expressions when we say it, it’s a kind gesture to talk about these kinds of things in person. Tip: Don’t catch them totally off guard though. It’s also nice to give them a bit of a heads up by saying “I’d like to talk to you about something when we met up this week.” That way, they’ll be somewhat (emotionally) prepared.

Be honest. Whoever came up with the whole “say something nice and then follow it up with something not-so-nice” is not our favorite person on the planet. In our humble opinion, it’s basically buttering up someone for the kill. Plus, most smart people can see it coming a mile away. So rather than taking the whole “You’re a really nice guy (or girl)” approach, be honest. Yes, you think they are pretty cool but that’s not really the point. The point is that you like them and also you need more time to see how you feel about taking things to another level. If they’re mature, they will appreciate you letting them know what page you’re on. They will respect your forthrightness and honesty. And if they’re not? Well, that could actually help you to make a decision about what to do next. And when.

“Pause” on the physical intimacy. You’re going to do nothing but send a series of mixed messages if you’re not ready for anything serious or exclusive, but you start or continue a sexual relationship with them. So, if you really want to slow things down, this should include the physical intimacy too. That way, the boundaries are clear…until you’re clearer about where you want things to go. And in the meantime, you come off as a stand-up person and not someone who’s looking for the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility.

Don’t overthink it. Once the conversation has been had, try and avoid making them feel like they have to walk on eggshells whenever they’re with you. Make it clear that you really do like spending time with them; it’s just that you want to be emotionally responsible by making sure that you both remain on the same page. Just remember that after the conversation’s been had, it’s not necessary to keep bringing the topic up. You both have a mutual understanding. It’s now time to enjoy the relationship---as you see where it leads.

No Chemistry: 5 Signs You'd Be Better Friends Than Lovers

Take a moment out to think about this. When it comes to the friendships that you have with the opposite sex, what’s the one thing that’s preventing them from becoming actual relationships? If you said “a lack of chemistry”, we’d have to say that we totally agree with you!

Although the foundation of all romantic connections should indeed be friendship, in order for friends to get to another level, there has to be more than a mutual liking for one another and a set of shared interests. There has to be a spark. There has to be an attraction. There has to be some kind of desire for one another.

Whenever a person meets up with a professional matchmaker, that is one of their responsibilities; to match individuals up with someone who they won’t only like, but could totally see the potential of loving in the future. And for that to happen, there must be chemistry.

If you’re just getting back out into the dating scene, you may be curious about how you can detect the signs that you’d actually be better off as friends than lovers. If that is indeed the case, here are a few things that you should look out for after say, the second or third date.

You’re not physically attracted. You might wonder why you should wait until the second or third date to come to this conclusion. Mostly it’s because we believe that “attraction at first sight” can sometimes be as deceiving as “love at first sight”. In other words, if everyone solely depended on those two things to be a clear indication of who they should be with, there would be a lot more single people out in the world than there already is! Although someone might not immediately catch your attention, sometimes getting to know them better makes them more appealing than they initially were to you. But if after the second or third date, you still feel no kind of attraction, that’s one sign that friendship is probably in your future.

You don’t want the same things. Here’s another reason why you need to go on a couple of dates before deciding if someone could potentially be “the one”. No matter how long a first date might be, you can’t possibly discover all of the things that you need to know. For instance, in order to find out if you’re truly compatible, you need to ask about their interests, hobbies and goals. Not only that but their goals, aspirations and the kind of relationship that they’re ultimately looking for. If after a couple of conversations, you, for instance, find out that they want to remain single for a few more years and move to London to work in international affairs while you want to be married sooner than later and move closer to your parents, you’re probably not the best fit. You probably should be friends.

Your values are totally different. One mistake that a lot of people make is thinking that if someone is not a carbon copy of them, they are probably not a good fit. Actually, that couldn’t be further from the truth! One of the best ways to grow is to be with someone who differs from you; who challenges you to see matters from other perspectives and to try new things. At the same time, if marriage is what you desire, it’s always wise to look for someone who has similar values as you do. If family is important to you, you don’t want to be with someone who couldn’t care less about having a relationship with theirs. If your religious beliefs are paramount, someone who has none could prove to be really challenging. It’s one thing to have casual relationships with people who are “cut from a different cloth”. But when you’re trying to build a life with someone, it needs to be a person who sees the important things in life in a way that is similar to you. (Especially if you desire to have children at some point.)

There is no “intimacy compatibility”. OK, this one is a bit tricky because if you’re someone who likes to take physical intimacy slow, it could be a while before you find this out. Long-term relationships are just that: long-term. And whether you’re someone who doesn’t mind having sex a few weeks into a relationship or you’d rather wait until marriage, physical intimacy is a really big deal. Therefore, you want to be with someone who yes, gives you butterflies and you enjoy kissing and being close with. So, if after the first few kisses, you don’t really feel much of a connection or you do take things to another level and it’s basically the equivalent of watching paint dry (sigh), while the two of you may be awesome together in every other way, you still should probably chalk things up to friendship. Why? Because in order to be lovers, you need to want to be together in a sexual kind of way, right? Right.

You see them as nothing more than friends. Last one. Although it’s a good idea to give things enough time to see if they have the potential to become something more, if you honestly don’t see the individual as more than a friend, that’s probably because that’s all that they’re meant to be. And you know what? That’s totally OK. Finding a good friend can be just as much of a gift as finding true love. We’re just saying that rather than trying to force things, accept the reality for what it is. That way, you both can be friends…as you move on to finding the right person to be in a lasting relationship with. And perhaps someday, even double date with!

Marriage Bound: 5 Signs That You Could Be Headed to the Altar

Last fall, Time published an article that had this title: “Why 25% of Millennials Will Never Get Married”. If you get a chance, it’s definitely worth checking out, but this gist is a lot of people under the age of 35 are projected to be single forever “partly because they don’t have jobs and partly because marriage is becoming less highly-regarded”.

Of course, if you’re someone who falls into this demographic, that doesn’t mean that you’ll never get married. First of all, this article is talking about 25 percent, not 75 or even 45. Secondly, we’re a firm believer that if you want something, you can have it. As a matter of fact, about a couple of weeks before that Time article was released, Huffington Post also did a feature on the topic. Its title was “15 Truthful Reasons Men Want to Get Married”.

Some of the reasons include:

Marriage allows me to show my love in a way that nothing else can.

It allows me to fully commit myself to one person.

Life is easier when you have a partner by your side.

The thought of loving someone forever makes me happy.

Life is so much better with a spouse.

Yes. A lot of people still honor marriage. And if you’re someone who happens to agree with these points, you’re probably not using a professional matchmaker, creating an online dating profile or letting someone set you up just for the heck of it. Or, if you’re already in a relationship and it’s been going well for several months now, you’re probably hoping that eventually “dating” will turn into an engagement and then a wedding.

Time is precious, right? It’s actually the one commodity that none of us can ever get back. So, how can you be sure that a relationship shows the true signs of heading towards the altar---if that’s indeed what you want to happen? Here are five surefire indications:

You both want to get married. A huge mistake that unfortunately a lot of people make is going into a relationship with someone without knowing if they have marriage on their agenda---or not. It’s a lot like getting married without both people discussing whether or not they want to have kids. There are many couples who find themselves having great chemistry, amazing intimacy and a really good time together, only to discover that when it comes to marriage, they’re nowhere close to being on the same page. There’s no way that you’re going to be headed towards the altar with someone if getting married is not something that they want to do. On the other hand, if the person you’re seeing wants to have a husband or wife someday (preferably within the same time frame as you do), then you can rest assure that they are basically approaching the relationship with a similar goal: a long-term relationship that will hopefully transition into something far more permanent.

They are not in a rush. When someone is looking for a “good time” or to “casually date”, they honestly tend to be a bit more reckless when it comes to how they approach things like intimacy. That’s because whether the relationship works out or not, in their mind they’re like “Well, at least we got some fun out of it.” But when someone wants to take things more seriously, the pace tends to be a lot slower. Establishing emotional intimacy is much more of a priority. Courting rather than dating tends to take place. So, if the person you’re seeing is not quick to sleep with you, if dates consist of more talking than anything else and if they seem to be perfectly content just getting to know you as a person, this is another indication that the potential for marriage, eventually, could be on the horizon.

They include you in their future---and future plans. Here’s another great sign that marriage may be on the way, someday. When a person wants you to be in their life for the long run, they are going to incorporate you into their future. They will mention bringing you along for family functions and the holiday season. They will talk about what they want to do with you on their upcoming birthday. They will ask you where you see your life being in the next one, two or five years. Sure, marriage may not be on the horizon tomorrow, but if someone is clear about wanting you around months and years up the road, it shows great promise of being a part of both of your future plans.

You see progress in the relationship. Even stagnant water stinks. And here’s what we mean by that. If you’ve been seeing someone for a while now but you haven’t met their family or friends, there’s no talk about where the relationship is going and titles have not shifted from “friend” to “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, this means that things are a bit stagnant and that’s usually not a good sign. A wise man once said that when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible. Translation: When a person wants to get married and they feel you are the one they want to get married to, the relationship is going to progress from one stage to another at a pretty steady pace. This means that if you feel like your relationship is pretty much in the same place that it was six months ago…that’s a red flag. It’s also something worth bringing up. Sooner than later.

Marriage is a comfortable conversation to have. Commitment-phobic people are going to find the topic of marriage to be the equivalent of pulling out a fingernail. With a plier. Soaked in vinegar. But when someone is not afraid of commitment, they are ready and willing to freely discuss the topic of marriage and all that comes with it. The great thing about this is if you’re seeing someone who embraces marriage, you both can be open and honest about your expectations and needs as it relates to the topic. That way, you both can know sooner than later if you’re both right for one another. Or not. That’s awesome because either you’ll know that you’re ready for the altar with them or that it’s time to bring things to an end so that you can get to the one you’re truly meant to marry. Either way, when you’re seeing someone who is interested in getting married, it’s a win/win. You both want the same thing, and you both want to see one another get it. Whether it’s together or apart. And you both will want to find the answer. Just as soon as possible.

'I Hear You': 5 Tips for Great Communication

According to the website Divorce Help 360, the top five reasons for why so many couples divorce are as follows: lack of commitment, too much arguing, selfishness and lack of communication, infidelity and also marrying too young (getting married before the age of 25 technically qualifies as being “too young”).

While all of these reasons certainly deserve an article unto themselves, being that good communication is essential from the very first date on, we thought it would be a wise idea to tackle it first (we may get to the other points later).

So, just why is great communication so essential? Although there are many different reasons, perhaps the most important one is it’s the best way to connect with someone on a mental as well as emotional basis. When two individuals are able to freely, comfortably and effectively share their thoughts and perspectives on matters, it makes both of them feel heard and validated. It also makes it possible for both people to learn more about one another too.

Whether it’s your first date that a professional matchmaker set up or you’ve been in a relationship for a while now, communication is always something that can be improved upon, right? That’s why we wanted to share with you some proven tips that have helped us to better connect with our significant others. Ready?

Listen. (No, like really listen!) A man by the name of Paul Tillich once said “The first duty of love is to listen.” (So true, so true!) Also, a man by the name of Alfred Brendel once said “The word ‘listen’ contains the same letters as the word ‘silent’.” Pretty profound, right? And the truth is if all of us really took out the time to ask ourselves “Am I really listening to what the other person is saying?”, we’d probably realize that not only are we not silencing our mouths as much as we should, but we’re also not quieting our minds either. Usually, we’re in such a hurry to get out what we want to say that some of what the person is actually trying to relay to us “falls through the cracks”. Unfortunately, when this happens, it can lead to all sorts of misinterpretations and confusion. So, as you’re sitting in front of another individual, make sure that you listen to them. Remain quiet. Maintain eye contact. And be aware (as much as possible) of your body language too. It just might (pleasantly) surprise you, how smoothly a conversation will go just be doing this one (relatively) simple thing.

Don’t cut the other person off while they’re speaking. Wanna hear another awesome quote about listening? A man by the name of Bryant H. McGill once said “One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what the other person has to say.” And real talk, that might be one of the reasons why so many married people are frustrated when it comes to communication. It’s because they don’t feel heard by their partner and when that happens, they don’t feel respected. For the record, one of the most disrespectful things that you can do is to cut off someone while they are talking. Whether you realize it or not, it basically translates into “Shut up because what I have to say is so much more important.” Yeah, it doesn’t get much ruder than that. Be still. You’ll get your turn. The key to communication is to patiently, and thoughtfully, wait for it.

Reflect on what they said before responding. OK, if you do have the whole “wait until they finish speaking” thing do (and if so, congrats because you’re certainly ahead of most of us!), make sure that you have also mastered the art of thinking about what was said before you actually respond. No matter what you have purposed in your mind to share, there’s a significant chance that the other individual has just said something that warrants some kind of reaction or response. Being that true communication between two people is a dialogue rather than a monologue, it’s always a good idea to actually think about the points they are making and how you can best engage them---before saying a single word.

When you’re not sure, ask. Clarity is key. Rinse and repeat: Clarity is key. That said, it’s a huge (HUGE) mistake to try and communicate with someone based on pure assumption. So, if there’s something that was said that didn’t make sense to you, made you uncomfortable or even hurt your feelings, wait before reacting. First ask the other person if what you heard is actually what they meant before proceeding. What came out of their mouth may have had a totally different intention or connotation. You won’t know that without inquiring first, though.

Be a “student” as much as a “teacher”. Great communication is about wanting to learn just as much (if not more) than wanting to share. So, as you sit down to start a conversation with someone, especially someone you have a special interest in, decide in your mind that you don’t just want to be the teacher (the person who always has things to convey), but the student as well---the person who is always looking to gain a new insight and perspective. That’s the best way to get to know someone better so that the relationship can grow stronger.

Fixer Upper: 5 Myths About the 'I Can Change Them' Mentality

Sure, they may be a little rough around the edges now, but that’s OK.

I’m pretty sure that I can change them.

Boy, if there are two sentences that are the result of so much disillusionment in relationships, it would have to be those! It’s almost like it’s a perpetual pattern. For many people, when they are on a first date and see something that they don’t particularly care for, they think to themselves “I can change them.” When they decide to take things to the next level and exclusively date and then end up encountering some real annoyances, they continue to say “It’s fine. I can change them.” And let’s not even get into how many people are in divorce court proceedings as we speak, all the while bitter and resentful, all because they married someone believing that they could change them.

That’s not to say that love doesn’t change a person. Indeed it does!

But that’s the point. Love changes a person.

People can’t force others to change.

So, whether you’re currently in a relationship, you’re about to go on a first date or you simply would like to break the pattern of trying to control---um, change---a person, here are five myths about the “I can change them” mentality that we’re going to challenge. Down to its very core!

If I don’t like it, it needs to change. Each person is a lot like a piece of art in the sense that they are distinctive; they are an individual. And just like a unique painting or sculpture, it’s kind of hard to determine what’s “good” or “bad” about someone based on surface level things. Some things simply make the art, or an individual, what it is. Do you see where we are going with this? Although there are some character issues that you should definitely be on the lookout for, when it comes to how a person dresses, what their favorite hobbies are or even their perspective on things, that is what makes them who they are. Just because you may not like it, that doesn’t automatically make you right or them wrong. Sometimes you need to just appreciate “the art of a person” for what it is---rare.

If I press the issue enough, they will change. Say that you hate some of their habits. No major issues, but simply the way that they eat or how they take care of their place. Then say that you’ve said at dinner “Have you ever noticed that you talk with your mouth open sometimes?” or when you’ve gone to their house, you’ve joked and said “I guess I should get you a maid for your birthday, huh?” and all they do is laugh and (seemingly) brush it off. Although you might think this is your cue to bring it up again, there are two things to remember about who you’re seeing. One is the fact that they are an adult. The second is you are not their mother. Whether it’s an actual problem or a personal preference of yours, once you bring it up and they acknowledge that they heard you, you really need to drop it. Nagging isn’t attractive. It’s controlling, it’s pushy and it’s actually a great way to get your “change agenda” to backfire on you. If something bothers you that much, the issue isn’t whether or not they should change, but whether or not you have the tolerance to deal with it.

If I change, they will change. Although this approach is certainly better than the whole nagging thing, it’s still not the best route to take. Why? Basically because the motive is all wrong. You might have watched a television show or movie before where a couple is talking and the woman will bring up something she wants her man to do differently. As he’s pondering it, she then says “I mean, I’m sure there’s something about me that you’d like to change too.” Uh-huh. There are probably several things that he wishes were different, but here’s the catcher: He didn’t bring them up because they are not big enough of a deal to him! “Bartering change” rarely works---or more importantly lasts. So, don’t offer to change something about yourself just to get the person you’re with to change something about them. Change because you want to…because you need to. Simple as that.

If they truly love me, they will change. OK, this one right here has got to be one of the most manipulative resolves on the planet! It’s also one that can just as easily be flipped around back to you. How about “If you love them, you won’t expect them to change”?  Although it’s certainly understandable that you may encounter times in your relationship where you’ll find yourself wanting more, out of respect for the person you’re seeing and the relationship that you have, it’s best to simply state what your needs are, express how important they are to you and then give them the time and space that they need to determine if they want to implement certain changes---or not.

Change should be the focus; not improvement. This may be the biggest myth of all! Whether it’s a professional matchmaker or your best married friend, when it comes to this particular topic, something that they are both (probably) going to tell you is the key to a healthy relationship is not trying to change one another, but improve one another. In fact, that’s what love should do overall: make two people better as a result of being together. Bottom line, if you both focus more on self-improvement rather than changing each other, you might be pleasantly surprised. The things that need to be changed probably will---without any pressure on your part!

Dating vs. Courting: The Main Differences Between the Two

Dating vs. Courting. It’s not something that’s discussed even a fraction as much as it used to be, but if you asked your grandparents (and maybe even your parents) about the differences between the two, they would definitely be able to tell you. Or, if you wanted a visual example, reruns of old shows like Little House on the Prairie or The Waltons could break down what the whole courtship thing is all about.

For example, on Little House, when one of Charles Ingalls’s daughters had a young man who was interested in getting to know them better, not only did he have to speak with Charles first, but he had to present a plan for what he wanted from his daughter beyond simply “hanging out”. Back then, “just dating” was not an option. If you didn’t want something to end up being long-term, then there was no point in trying to make an initial connection.

That said, in a nutshell, the difference between dating and courting is when you’re dating someone, it tends to be more casual. You may like the individual and enjoy spending time with them. You might even be engaging in sexual activity with them, but the intention is not really about a serious commitment or a long-term relationship. On the other hand, when you’re courting (or being courted), it’s all about finding the person, “the one”, to spend the rest of your life with. In short, in courtship, there isn’t really anything casual about it. Everything has a clear motive. A true intention. An emotional investment.

The reason why we felt it was a good idea to share the differences is because when you’re meeting with a professional matchmaker, creating an online profile or allowing yourself to be set up for a date, it’s a good idea to personally know whether you’re interested in dating or courting. That way, you can (hopefully) be paired up with someone who is on the same page as you.

And just how can you be certain that you are meeting an individual who shares the same mindset? To help you out, we’re going to share with you some clear signs that a person is more into courting than they are into dating.

Courters ask “beneath the surface questions”. When someone is courting you, they are going to ask you more than what’s your favorite movie or restaurant. Being that they are looking to see who has the potential of being a life partner, after the first couple of dates, they tend to delve much deeper. The questions may be what your personal goals and ambitions are, if you desire to have children and what your family life is like. If the questions are going well beneath the surface, if they make you feel like someone is trying to get to the very core of you, there’s a pretty good chance that they’re not interested in merely dating; they want to court you.

Courters inquire about your relational desires. “What do you want in a relationship?” The main reason to ask this question is to see if the person you’re seeing desires what you do. When you’re casually dating, this isn’t that much of a priority because the intention is usually about simply having a good time. But if the person you’re seeing wants to know what your love languages are, why your past relationships did not work out and what you’re looking for in a spouse, these are definitely the courting kind of questions.

Courters tend to curb sexual activity. It might seem odd that if someone is really into you, they will not rush to have sex, but that’s actually another sign of a courter. Being that good sex can sometimes be mistaken for a truly intimate connection, some people would rather “wait to engage” so that they can be sure that they want to be in a relationship for the right reasons. So if a kiss at the door or cuddling on the coach is what your date is currently content with, don’t take that as a sign of rejection. It may be that they don’t want to date you; they would prefer to court you.

Courters will ask about your family. Ask any married couple who’s been together longer than their newlywed years and they’ll vouch for the fact that when you marry someone, in many ways, you marry their family too. This goes without saying if you choose to be with an individual who has children, but this is also the case when it comes to their parents and extended family too. In fact, finding out about someone’s childhood can help you to discover a lot about their core values and beliefs as well as their philosophies. A courter is going to want to know where you come from, your support system and what, DNA-wise, makes you tick.

Courters want to know about your life dreams and goals. We actually already touched on this point, but it’s important to go just a bit deeper for clarification’s sake. Having a successful relationship and definitely a successful marriage are about not only choosing to be someone who you deeply care for, but also someone who complements your life’s path and purpose. For instance, if you want to be the kind of entrepreneur who travels often, it’s going to be easier to be with someone who also likes to travel or doesn’t mind going days at a time without seeing you. Or, if you’ve always wanted to have a big family, it’s not going to make sense to date someone who doesn’t like children. Here’s another example: If you want to go back to school to totally change career paths, you need someone in your life who will support that decision and be willing to make certain sacrifices in order to make that dream a possibility. Someone who is courting you is going to be focused on seeing if the two of you able not only able to love one another but also build a life together. In short, dating is oftentimes temporary. Courtship has the intentions of forever.

Friends First: 6 Benefits of Building a Foundation on Friendship

If you were to ask 50 single people about what they want in a relationship, there’s a pretty good chance that they would mention things like love, respect and loyalty. And while all of the things are certainly important, something that should be just as much of a priority is friendship.

We say that because if you were to then ask 50 different (happily) married couples about what the key to their success is, we’re willing to bet some pretty good money that they’re going to say it’s the fact that they’re friends. When you’re friends with someone, it means that you both like each other, trust each other and enjoy spending time with one another. And doesn’t it make sense that all of these things would be what helps to make a marriage last?

That’s why, when you’re in the process of starting a relationship with someone, it’s so important that you build on a foundation of true and genuine friendship. Here’s some of the other benefits that come with doing just that:

Friendships develop organically. Although a lot of people may try and force a relationship to happen faster than it should, rarely is this the case when it comes to friendship. It’s a good thing too because when both people are not in a rush to become friendship, the pressure is off. As a result, they are able to relax and be themselves. When friendships are organic, they tend to be much healthier. The same goes for whatever grows out of the friendship too.

Friendships help you to get to know the real person. Sometimes, when people are only thinking about getting into a relationship, they are tempted to present a façade. They don’t want to talk about things like the mistakes that they made in their past relationships or the reprimand that they got from their boss or the IRS bill that’s freaking them out. When you’re friends with someone though, these kinds of things (and more) tend to come up. That’s a good thing because it helps you to see beneath the surface of someone and that’s always good when you’re trying to figure out if they truly are friendship material. Or not.

Friendship establish clear avenues of communication. Think about all of the friends that you currently have. What’s one of the things that they all have in common? Chances are, one of them is the fact that you like how easy the communication is. You’re able to freely talk and you also want to listen to what they have to say too. Plus, you both want each other to feel affirmed and validated because you care about each other’s feelings. Being that poor communication is one of the leading causes for divorce, we’re pretty sure you can see why establishing clear avenues of communication is so essential.

Friendships are fun. Can relationships be fun? Sure! But there’s a greater chance that will be the case when there’s a friendship first. When you’re not caught up in impressing someone, you’re free to show them your corny sense of humor or that weird thing that you do so well that you would think is silly if you were in the “strictly dating” mindset. Another great thing about building on a friendship is that you tend to be more open-minded when it comes to dates. It’s not about going to the most expensive or swanky place. It’s about doing things that both of you will truly enjoy. Even if it only costs a few bucks to do.

Friendships don’t make sex the main focus. Hands down, one of the best things about focusing on building a friendship is that you can learn how to be intimate in other ways than the physical. Although sex is a wonderful and important part of a relationship, when it happens to soon, it can cause people to be more caught up in how the sex makes them feel than what is really transpiring in the relationship. However, with sex off of the table, you can mentally and emotionally connect. And the real bonus in that is once you do decide to have sex, it will be just that much better! (Sex that has that kind of connection always is.)

Friendships have longevity. A professional matchmaking service and even your own mom will tell you that you want the kind of relationship that can maintain a friendship even if it doesn’t work out. But when people are so into starting a relationship without a friendship, oftentimes everything stops once it ends. And sometimes, that’s really sad. Just because the person you’re seeing may not be “the one”, that doesn’t mean that they still can’t be someone special in your life. If you’re both friends, you can oftentimes survive a break-up. And who knows? Maybe you’ll connect again at another time or maybe they have another friend who’s just right for you. Either way, when you choose to build a relationship on the foundation of friendship, you have more than a date. You have someone as a part of your world for life.

Stuck in a Rut: 5 Signs That Your Relationship Is Stagnant

Although there are some people on the planet who don’t mind being in a dating situation for years on end with no signs of something more permanent in sight, just ask any professional matchmaker or CEO of an online dating company and they will tell you that those individuals are the exception and not the rule. The reality is that most people who are looking for love are also looking for some type of long-term commitment to go along with it.

Yet unfortunately, there are far too many examples of individuals who find themselves getting nowhere in their dating situation. It’s not that something is “wrong”. To tell you the truth, there are a lot of things about the relationship that are pretty awesome; this is what makes the problem so hard to detect. It’s just that nothing new has happened in a long time. And that causes one or both people to feel like they’re in a bit of a relational rut.

If this somehow sounds eerily familiar, check out the following five signs that your relationship may be on the side of stagnant when actually it should be soaring.

You do the same things all of the time. When your relationship was new, probably so was everything connected to it. You went to new restaurants. You checked out new movies. You looked for new things to do together. But if lately, it continues to be pizza and On-Demand at home or a particular restaurant sees you so often that they know you by name, you’re definitely in a bit of a rut. It’s time to be more proactive about putting a bit of a spark back into your dating life again.

Intimacy is like watching paint dry. Although we wish there was a better way to put it, there’s really not. The thing about physical intimacy---whether it’s kissing or the whole shebang---is that it’s an expression of love and contentment. So, if there are no real sparks when physical intimacy is shared, it means that somewhere there is a disconnect in other areas; usually emotionally. Whatever the case may be, intimacy should be passionate. The last thing on earth that it should be is boring.

You’re thinking about seeing other people. One of the reasons why extramarital affairs happen is because one or both spouses find themselves wondering what they’re missing by remaining in their marriage. This tends to happen when things like a breakdown in communication, a lack of intimacy or the feelings of being taken for granted transpire. A relationship that is healthy, happy and flourishing has no need for “outside activity”. So yeah, if you’re starting to wonder what it would be like to see other people, something in your relationship has come to a screeching halt.

The future does not come up. Relationship coaches and marriage counselors alike will tell you that one sign that your relationship is not in the best place is if one or both of you do not discuss the future. It’s not something that has to happen all of the time, but if you never discuss the intentions for the upcoming several months or couple of years, at the risk of sounding abrupt, what are the two of you doing? Even water, if it’s not moving, starts to small pretty bad. A relationship, even if it’s good, is not that great if it’s not constantly moving forward.

You personally feel stuck. This is a great point to keep in mind. When you’re in a great relationship, one of the telling signs will be that you’re flourishing as an individual. A healthy connection with someone is a lot like an electric charge. It helps to make you feel energized and positive and alive! If you’re not feeling this way, if instead you feel drained, that’s not good. It’s time to set up a coffee date to talk about your relationship. Life is too short to associate love with feeling stuck. Especially sense it should be doing the exact opposite: it should be ever-propelling you to even greater and higher dimensions than before!

The Peanut Gallery: 5 Signs That Your Friends Are Too Involved in Your Relationship

When you first meet someone that you really like, what’s the first thing that you usually want to do? Tell your friends about them, right? Your friends are the ones who you go to for support. In life, your friends are your biggest cheerleaders!

But when you’re just starting a relationship with someone, it’s important that you’re cautious about how much information that you share with other people. On one hand, you do need your friends to be aware that something is going on in case you need some advice. But on the other, you also need to make sure that you don’t look up and realize that you’ve talked so much about the situation that they might as well be in the relationship right along with you!

Based on how close you are to your friends, finding the balance can be really hard to do. So, if you’d like a few tips on how to know if the people in your life are way too involved in your relationship, here are some telltale signs:

You communicate with them---while on the date. If you were to ask a personal matchmaker for their opinion on this topic, they would probably tell you that you need to turn your phone off (or at least set it on vibrate) while you’re on a date. That way, you can give them your undivided attention. But if you feel that you must keep it on (???), make sure not to text your friends or basically live Tweet your date. Whatever is happening---or not happening---you have plenty of time to talk about. Once you get home.

Your friends pressure you out of your comfort zone. Here’s a scenario to consider. You’re on your third date with someone and one of your friends calls you that night, but you send it to voice mail. Then the next day, you’re bombarded with calls and texts asking you what you were doing that kept you from calling them back. When you respond with “The time got away from me”, they are relentless in trying to “read between the lines”. Your friends are not your parents. If you are always feeling pressured to share more than you’d like, they are way too involved in your relationship.

Their perspectives trump your own. One of the blessings that comes from having friends is that they’re able to see things from a different angle or perspective than you. But no matter what their opinion may be, it’s still their opinion and they are not in your relationship. If you find yourself not being able to make a decision without talking to one of your friends first, that’s a red flag. It’s even more of one when that they think can sway you away from your own feelings. Friends should definitely give you something to think about, but be careful if they have the power to always change your mind.

They try and “friend” or “follow” the person you’re seeing. Say that you and the person you’re dating have gotten to a point of double dating with some of your friends and all goes well. Even if your friends call you afterwards to say “You know, I think they’re pretty awesome”, discourage them from trying to become friends with them on Facebook or following them on Twitter or Instagram; especially if you’re not even doing it yet. Your friends care about you and so it’s natural for them to want to look out for you. But the last thing that you need is for them to give you hour-by-hour updates about what’s going on in the person that you’re seeing’s social (media) life.

You constantly talk about them. Another somewhat subtle indication that your friends are too involved in your relationship is that you find yourself talking about your friends to the person you’re dating all of the time. Although it’s not nearly as tacky as talking about an ex, it can still be a bit uncomfortable for your date. For instance, if they suggest taking a day trip to another city and you say “Yeah, I mentioned something like that to my friend. They don’t think it would be a good idea”, that doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship; it actually sounds more like a codependent one. A relationship needs to be between two people, not several. So, if you’re constantly talking about your friends or you are so reliant on them that you don’t feel like you can do anything without their approval, not only are they too involved in your relationship, but they could be the reason why it may come to an abrupt end. Bottom line: Keep your friends in the loop but not overly involved. It’s a small piece of advice that can be truly beneficial to your relationship in the long run!