Be Thankful. How to Not Take Your Significant Other for Granted.

Can you believe that Thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away? Really, where does the time go? And as you’re in the process of putting your travel arrangements and menu together, if you happen to be in a relationship this year, we thought we’d take out a moment to dedicate a piece to what Thanksgiving is ultimately all about: being thankful for all of the blessings in life.

Whether you met your significant other through a professional matchmaker, a friend or love simply and “randomly” caught you by surprise, one way to show that special someone just how grateful you are to have them in your life is to not take them for granted. Below, here are five ways to do just that.

Tell them how you feel. It really is amazing (and a bit tragic) how many relationships end up going south simply because one or both individuals assumed that their partner knew how they felt about them. The reality is that when relationship are fresh and new, there tends to be a lot more effort that is put into them. But as the old saying goes “The way you get someone is often how you are able to keep them.” It only takes a moment to send a text to say “You know, I’m so glad to have you in my life” and a Hallmark card only costs a couple of bucks. But that little bit of effort can really go a long way. Definitely make the time to tell the one you care about how you feel.

Plan dates. In relationships, there is usually one who is a bit more proactive than the other---and for the most part, that’s cool. But try and avoid getting into the habit of expecting your significant other to do all of the work when it comes to planning out your dates. By calling them up with a “surprise” every once in a while (and by that, we mean more than a couple of times per year!), it shows that you’re taking some real initiative. Plus, it also shows that they are on your mind and you want to let them know. Not only with words, but action.

Apologize. Only in toxic relationships do some people find themselves intentionally hurting the ones who they claim to care about. But in healthier ones, sometimes you can still find yourself “dropping the ball”. The problem is not so much in doing something wrong as not owning up to it. Making apologies does not only display an act of humility, but the sooner you do it, the more you show that you value the person you’re with enough to want to make corrections as soon as possible. And that’s awesome.

Acknowledge their efforts. Unfortunately, it’s kind of human nature for people to look at “the cloud” rather than the “silver lining”; especially in relationships. Being that you’re not going to get everything right all of the time, you should be willing to extend this same grace to the person you’re seeing. They are going to make mistakes sometimes, but if you see that they are trying to do better, praise them for that. Encouragement goes a lot further than discouragement does. You can take that to the bank every time.

Be available. Once a title (or at the very least a mutual decision) is put on a relationship, some people’s actions (or lack thereof) conveys that, to them, they are automatically available. Meaning, “I’m with you, so you should understand that you can call whenever. I’m just a call away.” However, the title of “boyfriend and girlfriend” or “exclusive dating” only holds real merit if you’re treating your boyfriend or girlfriend as if they are receiving exclusive treatment. So yes, when they call, they should be able to reach you but you should also call them too. When they are upset, you should be the shoulder they can cry on. When they have great news, you should be their biggest cheerleader. In short, you should be available, proactively so, in their life. It’s one of the simplest yet most profound ways to show that you do not take them for granted. Happy Thanksgiving!

Love Nurturing: 6 Things That Can Help Your Relationship to Grow

There’s a movie from the mid-90s called Love Jones. In it, there’s a line from one of the married man who’s going through some problems in his relationship. While talking to one of his single friends about what’s going on, he says “Everyone talks about falling in love. Can someone please tell me how to stay there?”

Whether you find the right match through a matchmaker, a friend or fate, any couple who’s been together for more than a couple of years will tell you that making a relationship work (and last) is about a whole lot more than having strong feelings for another person. Love is awesome, miraculous even---yet it’s also a lot of work.

Actually, if you make sure to do these following six tips, “work” may not be something that can be avoided. Maintenance may be more of what your relationship will need. We say that because if you are willing to apply these following things to your relationship, we’re pretty confident that your relationship will continue to develop and mature…into something truly beautiful and lasting.

Be affirming. If you’re aware of the five love languages, then you already know that one of the ways to express love to the one you care about is to provide them with words of affirmation. Basically, these are positive things that you can say to them as a way to boost their confidence and offer support. No, this doesn’t mean that you should say things that aren’t true. It simply means that you should focus on the good things about the person you’re with and make sure that you tell them what those things are. As often as possible.

Set boundaries. There are a lot of people who end up being in a relationship that doesn’t work out; not because of each other but “the peanut gallery” that’s around them. Getting relationship advice from your family members and friends is one thing. Keeping them in the loop about every single issue that comes up in your relationship is something else entirely. All relationships have their ups and downs, but when trying times happen, you’ll probably get over them before your friends will. Not only that but you don’t want to be so caught up in what others are saying that you can’t hear your own thoughts. Setting boundaries with those around you helps to protect you and your relationship.

Date consistently. Something that you can be sure will bring your relationship to a screeching halt is if you don’t see each other on a consistent basis. That doesn’t mean that you have to go on a date 3-4 times each week. What it does mean is when it comes to your list of priorities, cultivating your relationship is on the very top of your list. And one of the best ways to do that is by spending quality time together.

Be romantic. When it comes to romance, something that’s awesome about it is you don’t need to have a ton of money. A Hallmark card is romantic. A rose or two is romantic. A plate of homemade cookies is romantic. A handwritten letter is romantic. A CD of love songs is romantic. A candlelit dinner at home is romantic. A sentimental text out of the blue is romantic. We’re pretty sure you get the gist. Something that separates a relationship from a friendship is romance. Make sure your relationship has plenty of it!

Say “thank you”. When people get really comfortable in a relationship, sometimes that actually results in them becoming lazy. When that happens, they tend to not put as much effort into their relationship as they once did---and still should. One of the ways this becomes evident is through a lack of courtesy. When the person you’re with does something that you appreciate, say “thank you”. It will send the message that most of all, you are thankful for them.

Keep moving forward. For anything to last, it has to grow. That’s why it’s always a good idea to take inventory on your relationship, at least once a season (spring, summer, fall, winter). That way you both can discuss what you want and need from one another to see if you’re both on the page. A relationship that is constantly moving forward is one that is clearly being nurtured in a truly effective way.

Mountains Out of Molehills: Things That Aren't Big Deals at the End of the Day

No relationship, on this entire planet, is perfect. That’s because no one, on this entire earth, is without flaws. Honestly, if a lot of us accepted those two realities, our relationships would go a lot smoother because what we tend to get frustrated about is when the person we’re seeing does not meet our expectations. Yet isn’t it interesting (and a bit ironic) that when we disappoint them, we want a bit of grace and forgiveness extended to us?

There’s no question. One of the best ways to make a relationship work and last is to give to others what you want to get in return. This would include loving and accepting them…even when they make mistakes.

That’s not to say that there aren’t some mistakes that are bigger than others. This article is actually going to address some of the smaller ones; ones that could cause you to sabotage your relationship if you’re not careful. Ones that, at the end of the day, are basically about making mountains out of molehills.

Having to have the last word. All couples argue, but sometimes those kinds of conversations go for much longer than they should, basically because one or both people won’t let it go. Say, for instance, you’re upset because the person you’re with always seems to run late. From their perspective, they think that so long as it’s within a 15-minute window, they’re fine. After you both have stated your opinions on the matter and it’s clear that you need to “agree to disagree”, why keep harping on it? You’ve made it clear that lateness bothers you. At this point, all you can do is hope that they’ll be considerate enough to make adjustments. If not, is 15 minutes (in most cases), that big of a deal? Unless you’re attending a big event, yeah, probably not. So there’s no need to keep bringing it up over…and over…and over again.

Trying to make them be you. A wise man once said that when two people are just alike, one of them is unnecessary. That’s certainly words to live by when it comes to relationships. Just think about it. If you were hooked up with the person you’re with via a professional matchmaker, when you checked out their profile, there were probably things on the list that were a lot like you---and also things that weren’t. So why be irritated by the fact that you like dramas while they like action, you like jazz while they like country or you prefer to eat out at restaurants while they like to eat at home? The issue shouldn’t be the differences so much as if you both can respect them and learn how to grow from the new experiences that both of you bring to the relationship. Trying to get someone to like what you do and then getting upset when they won’t is a form of manipulation, even if that’s not your intent. You’re in a relationship with an individual, not a clone. Sometimes it’s good for all of us to get that reminder.

Skirting around issues. OK, say for instance that claim that you’re mad about how much they’re on their phone, when you know that the real issue is about how much they are on the phone with particular people you don’t care for (like they’re ex perhaps). There are a lot of married couples in therapy or even in divorce courts right at this very moment and it’s due to one thing: They never got to the root of their problems; they always “danced around” them. Who doesn’t have a cell phone? If you’re saying that’s what you’re mad about one thing when it’s really something else, nothing is going to get fully resolved. Mountains tend to be made out of molehills when issues are skirted around. So, before bringing an issue up, stop and think about what’s really and truly bothering you. That way, the actual problem can get addressed, a solution can be found and you and yours can get back on track in no time. With very few bumps, that are the size of mountains, along the way.

What Should Come Before "I Love You"

“I love you.” It’s the magical words that so many of us long to hear. It’s the reason why many of us sign up on online dating sites or hire a professional matchmaker to assist us. It’s the reason why we can’t get enough off romantic comedies and love songs. It’s also the reason why, if you’re single, this article has probably piqued your curiosity.

At some point, we’ll get more into what should be expected after those three words have been said. For now, we found a pretty good quote to summarize our thoughts and research:

“’I love you’ means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you're in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you're down, not just when you're fun to be with. ‘I love you’ means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same way for me.”---Jonathan Safran Foer

Beautiful. Real. Right.

In the meantime, if you’re someone who has found yourself in some pretty disappointing and settling situations, basically because you wanted to hear “I love you” so badly that you rushed relationships or overlooked issues, here are a few things that we recommend that you require before those words are uttered between you and someone else (romantically so).

A “character check”. When you want to buy a house or a car, your credit is going to be checked. That way, creditors will have a good idea of whether or not you pay bills on time; if you are truly dependable. Along those same lines, before saying “I love you” to someone, it’s a good idea that you conduct what we call a “character check”. When it comes to the person that you’re seeing, do that keep their word? Are they honest with you? Do they say what they mean and mean what they say? Are they supportive, reliable and helpful? You’re not going to be able to say “yes” to any of those things in a matter of a few weeks. Give yourself at least a couple of months before giving their character a favorable score by telling them that you love them.

Clarity on where the relationship is headed. When someone says “I love you”, it tends to mean that they have every intention on taking a relationship beyond the casual. And so, before you say it or you jump up and down about someone saying it to you, it’s a good idea to talk about if you both see a future---and if so, what kind of future is it? Will your relationship being the kind that has a title? Are you planning to become exclusive? In short, do you both want the same things from one another? Being sure about all of this will make saying and hearing an “I love you” like icing on a really delicious cake.

Making sure that it’s a healthy situation. Although we hate to bring up the not-so-positive aspect of unhealthy relationships, it’s the responsible thing to do. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who remain in abusive relationships---whether physically, verbally or otherwise---and a part of it is because of the “I love yous” that are exchanged. You definitely do not need to experience patterns of being mistreated, taken for granted or neglected before someone says “I love you”. If you do, the appropriate response is “Well, I love me and that’s why this relationship cannot work.”

Like we said, this is a short list but definitely things that show go on the very top of yours. “I love you” is a beautiful sentiment. Just make sure that it also has substance behind it.

Grudge Match: 5 Habits That Ultimately Lead to Resentment

No relationship is perfect. Hopefully, that goes without saying. But there are a lot of them that can be spared from heartbreak or divorce when certain things are put in place in order to preserve and protect it.

Just think about it. Pretty much all of us have either an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend or even an ex-spouse, and if you really stop to think about why (and how) the relationship came to an end, there’s probably not just one thing that you can point out. Honestly, it’s probably a series of issues that either never got fully addressed or one or both of you held in, in order to “keep the peace”---when the reality is all that it really did was build up resentment.

Whether you’re currently in a relationship or you’re just getting back out into the dating scene, we’re pretty sure that at the end of the day, what you desire is true fulfillment. One of the best ways to achieve that goal is to be conscious of the things that can happen that will lead to frustration, bitterness and ultimately resentment. And then accepting what you need to do in order to avoid these responses/reactions.

Here’s a clue. One of them is found in the title of this article…

Avoid holding a grudge. The only way that you’re going to be in a relationship where forgiveness is not required is if you decide to date someone who is perfect. And being that no person on the entire planet is that, it’s important to accept the fact that sometimes they are going to say the “wrong” thing, hurt your feelings or do something that you don’t appreciate. If something that bothers you happens repeatedly, it’s up to you to decide if it’s ultimately a deal breaker or not. But choosing not to forgive someone for making a mistake and then holding a grudge about it is unhealthy and super counterproductive. You want someone who forgives you when you mess up, right? In order for a relationship to truly be successful, it’s always a good idea to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

Keep your expectations realistic. There are a whole lot of people in this world who are always upset and it’s because of one thing: someone disappointed them when it came to not reaching their expectations. There are some people who believe that the best way to prevent this from being an issue is to simply not expect anything. Eh. Personally, we find that to be a bit extreme. Instead, state what your expectations are, then ask the person you’re with what they feel about them in order to reach a common ground. That way, you can get clarity of if they find your expectations to be realistic (or not) and then you both can agree on what you should literally and realistically expect them to do. And not do.

Accept your partner’s individuality. A wise man once said that when two people are just alike, one of them is unnecessary. That’s words to live by when it comes to being in a relationship with someone else. Basically what it means is if you wanted to date a carbon copy of yourself, why date someone at all? Enjoy being single and spending time with yourself instead. That said, being in a relationship is not just about being with someone you care about and spending time with them. It’s also about letting someone into your heart and world so that they can help you to grow as a human being. This means that there are probably going to be some challenges and disagreements along the way. Accepting that can definitely help you to avoid allowing resentment to build up within you.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Passive aggressiveness. We’re honestly not sure if there’s anything worse than it when it comes to trying to keep a relationship balanced and healthy. Basically passive aggressiveness is a form of manipulation. Someone asks you if something is wrong and you say “no” and then sigh and drop hints throughout the rest of the day. You get upset because someone didn’t do what you wanted them to, but here’s the clincher: You never said what that thing is. You simply wanted them to read your mind. One way for you and them to end up developing resentment is if you don’t say what you mean and only expect them to guess. “Communication is key” may sound a bit cliché, but trust us when we tell you that it’s one of the best ways to keep a relationship on solid ground.

Be patient. Relationships require patience. And the reality is a lot of them fail because one or both people fail to accept that fact. Every day is not going to be fun and easy. But every day can be purposeful, a learning experience and a way for both of you to mature and become closer as a direct result. If you’re really and truly willing to embrace this reality, you’ll discover that with each season of your relationship, there will be more to be thankful for and ironically, less to feel resentful about.

Found 'the One': 6 Signs That You've Met Your Long-term Love Match

The one. It’s something that so many people spend much their lives looking for---and understandably so. Some search for the one through professional matchmaking companies. Others use online dating sites. And still there are those who prefer the more “old-fashioned way” by either allowing a family member or friend to hook them up---or they wait for the Universe to join them via a chance meeting at a local coffee shop or grocery store.

Whatever the avenue, if there’s something that anyone who has already found the one for them will tell you, it’s this: While finding the one is not always the easiest thing to do, once you have met the man or woman that you want to spend the rest of your life with, it definitely makes everything that you had to go through in order to do so worthwhile.

Yet in the midst of all of the possibilities that are around you, how can you know, with absolute certainty, that you’ve found the perfect match for you? Although we don’t profess to have all of the answers, hopefully the following six signs will provide you with at least a little bit of clarity. And peace of mind.

They love you (with words and actions). “I love you.” It’s the three words that pretty much all of us long to hear at some point. Yet here’s what you need to keep in mind about them. Love is not simply a sentiment that is put on a Hallmark card. Love is an action word. So, if someone claims that they love you, you should expect them to show it. They need to be physically affectionate. They need to be emotionally passionate. They need to make you feel that you are an extremely important part of their life; someone who is a top priority in their world. “I love you” should be a declaration of an intention to follow that through with doing things. Daily.

They respect you (with words and actions). Respect is about being in a relationship with someone who holds you in high esteem. This means that they are going to speak to you with kindness and courtesy. They are going to honor whatever boundaries that you have put in place. They are going to appreciate you, recognize the time and effort that you put into the relationship. Plus, they are also going to treat you in a dignified manner---both in public and in private. If you don’t have respect in a relationship, no matter how much love you have for one another, it’s not going to be healthy. Respect is paramount.

They’re your cheerleader. When a person gets into a relationship with someone, that doesn’t mean that they lose their individuality. In fact, the right relationship will simply make them believe and feel that when it comes to their dreams, goals and ambitions, the sky truly is the limit! When someone is not intimated by your aspirations but are actually the first ones to say “That’s awesome, babe! You can do it!”, that’s the kind of person that you definitely want to keep in your life for as long as you possibly can. The world can be hard. It’s always comforting to have a cheerleader.

They help you to explore new things. A wise man once said to do something new every day. And while the demands on your schedule may make that pretty close impossible to do, you should at least try something different a few times per month. Newness helps to broaden your perspective and every time that happens, you grow. So yes, if you’re with someone who always has a unique date idea in mind, who encourages you to try new foods, genres of music and activities and wants you to add some new stamps on your passport (or wants you to get a passport for the first time), that’s awesome! They are going to be a whole lot of fun to be around. Plus, you’re sure to experience some spontaneity and surprises along the way!

They tell you that they see forever with you. One mistake that some people make when it comes to relationships is assuming that the person they’ve fallen for has the same intentions as they do; that just because they are hanging out together and having a good time that it’s headed towards the altar (or at least something long-term). Listen, the only way that you are going to know that for sure is if you A) ask or B) they tell you. But if the person you’re falling for says that they feel the same way and there’s no way that they can imagine you not being in their world for the long haul, we’re willing to bet some pretty good money that you did, indeed, have met the one.

They bring out the absolute best in you. When it comes to your friendships, your career path and certainly your relationship, if there’s one thing that they all should have in common, it’s that they should be helping to make you a better person. So, if you don’t like who you are (or have become) with someone, take that as a clear indication that they are definitely not the one for you. On the other hand, if you wake up really feeling like you’re soaring emotionally, intellectually and spiritually because of who you are, in part because of who you are with, they’re a keeper. Let them know that for you, you feel, that they are the one.

Love or Manipulation: 5 Signs That You're Being Used in Your Relationship

Yeah. Do you see the picture that we choose for this particular feature? There are a few striking things about it. For one thing, there is nothing worse than being so manipulated, so controlled, that you might as well be a puppet as someone tugs on your heart strings. Secondly, when you find yourself involved with this kind of person, although it might be hard to hear, they usually have a track record of manipulating others. (You are not the only “puppet”.)

But sometimes, when you feel like you’re in love, it can be hard to either 1) tell or 2) accept that the person you’re with doesn’t truly have your best interest at heart. That they are far more interested in how they can use you to their advantage rather than love you in the way that you deserve. And unfortunately, when it comes to the topic of manipulation, sometimes manipulators are so good at what they do that even the top professional matchmakers in the world can miss the signs. After all, manipulation is masked by deception and deceivers are masters at hiding the truth; especially about themselves.

We know. All of this sounds a bit “dark” and “heavy”, but if you don’t get a hold of what the differences between being loved and being manipulated are, heartbreak is what you’re headed for---and we definitely don’t want you to experience that.

That’s why we want to share with you some of the ways to know that you’re being manipulated in a relationship. So that if you are, you can get out. As soon as you possibly can.

You’re doing all of the work. In a relationship, there are going to be times when things are 50-50 and then there are going to be times when it’s more like 70-30. That’s simply because relationships have seasons and during different ones, people tend to have different needs. And sometimes, one needs more from their partner than their partner needs from them. But if you were to tally up your percentages of give vs. take and hands down, you’re doing most of the work (meaning, they are reaping the benefits of being with you without doing much sowing into your life at all), we hate to break it to you…but you are being manipulated. No doubt about it.

They are not truthful. There are a lot of things that relationships need in order to succeed, but three main ones are love, respect and honesty. Without them, you’re never fully sure who you’re with or where you stand. So, if the person you’re seeing doesn’t answer direct questions, continues to “get caught” in lies or you feel like they are holding back, this means they are not being truthful. And that’s probably because there is something that they don’t want you to know; something that will affect the way you see them and the “hold” that they have over you. Yes, something that liars are known for is manipulation.

You don’t feel “free to be”. Here’s a real doozy. A clear indication of a healthy relationship is that you’ll feel not only safe enough to be yourself but highly encouraged to do so. You won’t feel like every time you turn around, the person you’re with is talking about you needing to alter your appearance, explore another career path or change your friends. While healthy relationships do influence the people in it to improve the quality of their lives, what they don’t do is force that to happen, offer up ultimatums if it doesn’t happen or make either person wonder if they are being loved for who they are---or who the object of their affection is trying to make them out to be.

They don’t take ownership for their mistakes. One thing about being in a relationship with someone is they are human. And so are you. This means that they are flawed. And so are you. Here’s the catcher, though. If you’re the only one who finds yourself acknowledging the mistakes that you make, if you’re the one who always says “I’m sorry”, if you’re the one who is made to feel guilty all of the time but meanwhile, they act as if they are never in the wrong, that is another sign of manipulation. When it comes to manipulators, they think that so long as you feel bad, they have the upper hand; one that they can mentally, emotionally and sometimes even spiritually use to their advantage up the road.

Your identity is gone. Last one (although we could go on with this FOREVER). A manipulator takes great joy in wiping someone’s identity away. What you want doesn’t count unless it’s what they want. How you feel is irrelevant if it differs from theirs. What you think is always secondary to their own thoughts. You are not supposed to be an emotional clone of the person you’re with. You are supposed to be your own individual who is simply sharing your life with someone who has their own distinctiveness. If you find yourself saying “I don’t even know who I am anymore” (or others say something to you along the lines of “What? That doesn’t sound like you…” on a consistent basis), you really should consider ending the relationship or at the very least, bringing the issue to their attention and realigning some boundaries. If you opt for the latter, here’s a word of caution, though: Manipulators don’t like boundaries. In fact, they work to find every way possible, no matter how obvious or subtle, to violate them. We just thought we should mention that as you ponder all of this in order to determine if you’re truly in love…or simply being manipulated.

Unhappy and in Love: 6 Signs That You Have Toxic Relationship Patterns

If there’s one question that all professional matchmakers should ask their clients during their first interview is if they know of someone or feel like they have a tendency to be a love addict.

Sure initially that line of questioning might sound a bit “odd”. After all, if you’re “addicted to love”, being that love is such a powerful and beautiful experience, that must be a good thing, right? Well…here’s something worth considering. As a wise man once said, the excess of a virtue can also be a vice. Meaning, anything done---or sought after---in excess can also become problematic.

So, how can you know for certain that you are a love addict? Here are a few telling signs:

You fall in love very easily and too quickly.

Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.

More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.

You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.

Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.

In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.

More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.

You can read even more signs (40, to be exact) by clicking here. The reason why we felt they were important to share is because if you’re not clear about the motives behind why you’re looking to be in a relationship, you could find yourself going into one for the wrong reasons or you keep attracting the wrong kind of person, all of these are symptomatic of being in a toxic (poisonous) relationship.

Here are some other telling warning signs:

You break up over and over again. Pretty much all of us know of someone who just can’t seem to shake off their ex. Although in rare instances, it’s because the relationship is meant to be and the challenges have been more about poor timing or the need for trust to be established, this is usually the exception and not the rule. Usually couples break up because things are not working. If you keep getting back together, oftentimes that’s an indication of fear of being alone, being afraid to move forward or being hung up on the few good things in the relationship that you overlook all of the ones that…aren’t so good.

You’re unhappy more than happy. One thing that comes with a healthy relationship is both individuals will feel as if they are thriving as a result of being with one another. That’s because when your relationship is working to your benefit, you will have the support, encouragement and commitment of someone who truly wants to see you succeed. On the other hand, when a relationship is unhealthy, it tends to be more about them, you won’t feel like you’re totally accepted and that will result in arguments, emotional pain and feelings of inadequacy. Long story short, if you’re crying more than you’re smiling in your relationship, there’s no way to dance around it. Something is definitely not right.

You rely too much on sex to be “the glue”. One of challenges that comes with having sex too soon in a relationship is you find yourself coming off of the euphoria of the physical intimacy without being sure if there really is an emotional attachment there. And sometimes, this means all you and the other person really have in common is the sex. But because you enjoy it so much, you tend to overlook the blaring red flags that are telling you that you don’t really have much else in common. Although one of the most popular ways to define a sexual experience is “make love”, the reality is that love should be able to exist without sex; that sex is simply one way to express love. Bottom line, if sex is all that you and “yours” have going for y’all, it’s not much. Talk about it first. And nothing much materializes, consider that it just might be time to let the “relationship” go.

You are always changing yourself. If you’re someone who knows that you battle with self-esteem issues, then this is a point that you should definitely keep on your radar. While it’s not uncommon to change, in the sense of growing, while you’re in a relationship, here are two things to keep in mind: 1) in a healthy relationship, you will not feel pressured to change; it will come as a natural evolution on your own terms and 2) it also will not come as the result of not feeling as if your partner doesn’t like you just the way you are. If you’re always trying to alter your personality or appearance to appease the one you’re with, they are controlling and you are being manipulated. And both of those things point to toxicity. You deserve something better. And healthier.

You can’t remember the last time that you were single. Being single is nothing to be ashamed of. There are actually a lot of benefits that come with having time alone to focus on yourself, your needs and your dreams and goals. If you’re the type of individual who can’t really attest to this fact because you’re always in a relationship, that can also be a toxic thing. Being in a relationship because it enhances your life is one thing. However, being in a relationship because you hate being alone is something entirely different. If you can identify with this, take out some time to take care of you. By doing that, you might discover that you’ll develop the tools that you need in order to break all other toxic relationship patterns.

Is It Love or Lust? 5 Ways to Know the Difference

There are very few things in life that are as exciting, euphoric even, as the beginning stages of a relationship. The experiences are new, the feelings are high and when it seems like there’s a real future in store, truly it’s all a thrill.

But here’s the challenge: Sometimes, when emotions are at their peak, it can be hard to know if the relationship is based on love---or lust. And if you don’t make the time to discern the differences between the two, you can find yourself in a situation that could fizzle out just as quickly as the sparks began.

So, whether you were recently paired up with someone by a professional matchmaker or even a close friend and every instinct inside of you believes that you’ve met “the one”, take out a few minutes (five, tops) to read some of the differences between being in love and well, being in lust.

Love is clear. Lust is abstract. Someone once said that when a person really loves you, out of all of the things that you will feel, one of them will not be confused. That’s some real wisdom right there. If you’re on the way to falling in love, you’re going to know it. Hands down, no question. And if the person you’re seeing is in the process of falling in love with you, guess what? They are going to feel the exact same way. You both are going to say how you feel, what you want and your actions are going to back it all up. On the other hand, nothing about lust is certain or sure. It will be hard to describe the relationship to your friends, there will be aspects of it that you’re not the most confident about and if you’re not careful, you could find yourself caught up in quite a bit of disillusionment. It will feel one way or day and feel like something else the next.

Love reveals the real you. Lust puts on a façade. When you’re caught up in the feelings of lust, there is usually a tendency to put on a bit of a show. By that we mean that on every date, you’re focused on looking impeccable and saying all of the right things. Why? Because whatever initially drew the person to you, you want to make sure that you maintain that “level of perfection” so that they will remain interested. On the other hand, when love is on the horizon, you are far more interested in them knowing who you truly are. That way, if you decide to get serious at some point, you can trust that it’s based on the good parts and not-so-perfect parts of your individuality. That they know the real you.

Love is patient. Lust isn’t. When there is a strong attraction between two people, there can be a temptation to want to express that in a physical way very quickly. That’s basically our tactful way of saying that a physical interest can lead to sexual desire, which can sometimes result in people having sex way too soon. That’s because when you’re in lust, the mentality tends to be “act first, think later”. On the other hand, when love is brewing, both people usually want to take things a bit slower; to develop a friendship so that the intimacy can be based on a firm foundation.

Love makes plans. Lust “wings it”. One of the awesome things about true love is that it doesn’t simply “live in the moment”. In other words, it’s so engrossed in the object of its affection that it wants to do all that it can to nurture it so that it will last. Lust? It doesn’t too much care one way or another. So long as its needs are being met at moment, that’s all it’s happy about. The problem with that is it can lead to quite a bit of instability. If you want something that is smooth sailing, look for the kind of person who is factoring you into their future. If you want to be on a real emotional roller coaster ride, lust is definitely going to be your ticket. Be careful, though. One way or another, it’s guaranteed to make you heartsick. Which brings us to our final point.

Love is healthy. Lust? Eh. Not so much. Being that one definition of lust is “an intense sexual desire”, we’re not out to make all lust bad. We’re simply saying that it’s not what the core of a relationship should be built upon. In other words, love is something that focused on the health and well-being of your mind, body and spirit. And that’s both awesome as well as healthy. Lust? Pretty much your body is all that’s on its menu. Bottom line, there’s a whole lot more to you than your body parts. You deserve to be with someone who will love you first. Lust you second. Anything less is…settling. For so much less. Than YOU deserve.

So in Love: 5 Habits of Happy (and Committed) Couples

Whether it’s your grandparents who’ve been married for over 50 years or your best friend whose face seems to light up every time they see their significant other, have you ever sat and wondered what the real keys to success are when it comes to their relationship?  

Of course, you probably know the “Hallmark version”. That all relationships require things like love, respect and loyalty. But honestly, there are a lot of people who are in the process of going through a divorce or a break-up who started out with those very things. And still, something went awry.

Being in love is one thing. Staying in love is something entirely different.

In order to make a relationship go the distance, there has to be more than emotions and intentions involved. There needs to be real habits that are put into practice; ones that you can’t quickly learn from a professional matchmaker or that you can pick up from a Cosmo article, try for a couple of weeks, and quit. No, in order to be in the kind of happy and committed relationship that you’ve always dreamed of, there are some things that you’re going to have to choose to do, consistently.

Here are five of ‘em.

They are work on building a really strong friendship. Any relationship book, article or blog that’s worth its salt is going to mention that a relationship that’s based on a true friendship is the best kind that anyone can have. There are several reasons why. Friends are open with one another. Friends can trust one another. Friends like one another. And honestly, it’s during the tough times when “like” will take you a long way. Why? Because you’ll be able to use what you have in common, your senses of humor and your devotion and affection towards one another to get you through the tough times. This is why happy and committed couples are always making sure that they are growing as friends…that they are doing what is needed to become the absolute best of friends.

They make time for one another. Happy and committed couples don’t just “have time”, they make it. Honestly, this runs the gamut. They make sure to connect by phone, text and/or email on a daily basis. They plan dates ahead of time. They make sure that they are emotionally “on call” for one another. In short, they do all that they can to let each other know that they are a priority in each other’s lives. Days don’t go by without communicating. Weeks don’t go by without seeing one another (even if it’s long distance, they Skype and budget to take trips). They are mutually invested. And one of their main investments is time.

They work on being holistically intimate. There’s no way to get around the fact that sex is an important part of a relationship. At the same time, happy and committed couples know that it takes a lot more than that to become truly intimate with one another. They are aware that emotional intimacy and a mental and spiritual connection are paramount too. That’s why they make sure that they communicate well. They seek to meet each other’s emotional needs. And if there are problems that arise, they strive, together, to get them resolved just as soon as possible. Happy and committed couples understand how powerful their connection is. They have absolutely no desire in allowing things to get in the way of it. Especially things that they can control.

They are each other’s cheerleaders. If you were to get a roomful of individuals who’ve cheated on their companions before and you asked them why they did it, you might be surprised by the amount who will say that they didn’t feel encouragement or support from their partner. Truly, there is nothing like feeling as if you are celebrated in the world, only to come home and be nagged, nitpicked or made to feel like you’re never really good enough or are doing enough. Happy and committed couples know that if anyone should be in their significant other’s corner, telling them that they are awesome and that, for them, the sky is the limit, they should be the first in line.

They leave the past in the past. Hopefully, it’s a given that happy and committed couples leave their love lives with others in the past. Actually, what we mean by this is that they leave the mistakes, arguments and issues that occur within their relationship with one another behind them. In other words, happy and committed couples know that 1) neither of them is perfect which means that 2) they have to be willing to forgive. In fact, couples who are quick to pardon one another’s offenses are couples who tend to stay together, happily so, for a very, very long time. It makes sense too because a person who can ask for forgiveness shows signs of true humility and a person who can forgive shows signs of great strength. Both of which are keys to a truly happy and committed relationship!

True Fulfillment: 6 Things Every Relationship Needs

Say that you were to sit down with a professional matchmaker today to talk about all of what you’re looking for in a relationship. There’s a pretty good possibility that what you’ll list are the things that you want. But the reality is that for any relationship to grow and last, it’s actually more important to know what you need.

While great looks, a sense of humor and a mutual chemistry are always great, if you’re looking for something beyond a casual dating situation, there are some foundational elements that you must put on the top of your dating priority list as well. Things that will help your relationship to truly go the distance.

And just what are those exactly? Here are the six that immediately come to mind:

Love. This one is probably pretty obvious because of course every relationship needs love! But for the record, love is not just about getting butterflies in your stomach when you see the one you adore. Love is having a deep affection and a profound attachment to them. It’s about caring for them so deeply that their concerns become your own. It’s about doing whatever you can to assist in making them their best possible self. It’s about being lovers, but also being really close friends too.

Respect. No relationship can survive without respect. Respect for each other’s individuality. Respect for each other’s boundaries. Respect for each other’s goals and ambitions. When you respect someone, it’s basically about treating them in the way that you would want to be treated in return. It’s about giving them a sense of dignity, speaking to them in a way that shows that you appreciate them being in your life and esteeming them so that they know that, to you, they are truly special and valuable.

Patience. Sadly, there are a lot of relationships that show great potential, but are not able to go the distance due to a lack of this one thing. Patience is not just about having the ability to wait on someone when they’re running late. No, it is far deeper than that. A dictionary definition of the word is “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like”. In a nutshell, patience is knowing and accepting the fact that no one is perfect and then dealing with their flaws and shortcomings as they come. (And they will come.)

Consistency. Ever heard the quote “No snowflake wants to take the blame for the avalanche”? Well, if there is a little thing that can become a huge problem in a relationship, a lack of consistency goes on the very top of our list! Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who start off being attentive, romantic and giving in their relationships, but as they get more comfortable, with that comes a level of laziness. Suddenly, all of the time, effort and energy that they initially put in is now hit-or-miss. One of the reasons why consistency in a relationship is so important is because it helps to establish trust between both people---and all relationships need that. So yes, consistency leads to trust and trust leads to a really healthy union between you and yours. Why? Because both of you know that who you met is not suddenly going to switch up on you and become someone else. And that’s a really comforting feeling.

Commitment. If the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the word “commitment” is “loyalty”, we get that. But we mean something more when we use the word. The reason why we consider commitment to be a relationship need is because it’s what helps to bring forth clarity when it comes to what both individuals can and should expect, which helps to ultimately brings about stability. If you’re in a committed relationship then you don’t have to wonder where things stand. They are into you, you are into them and you’re both working together to cultivate something bigger and stronger. Which brings us to the final point.

Plans. Far too many couples basically find themselves stuck in a rut due to the fact that they fail to make plans for the future. We don’t mean plans to go to dinner and a movie next weekend. We mean plans for the relationship. It’s always a good idea to “check in” every few months to see if both people are happy (“fulfilled” is an even better word), if things are heading in the right direction and what needs to be done to insure that the relationship continues to thrive. Yep. A couple who plans is a couple who is intentional about making their relationship work. And with that kind of mindset, only good can come from it in the days, weeks and months to come!

Fixer Upper: 5 Myths About the 'I Can Change Them' Mentality

Sure, they may be a little rough around the edges now, but that’s OK.

I’m pretty sure that I can change them.

Boy, if there are two sentences that are the result of so much disillusionment in relationships, it would have to be those! It’s almost like it’s a perpetual pattern. For many people, when they are on a first date and see something that they don’t particularly care for, they think to themselves “I can change them.” When they decide to take things to the next level and exclusively date and then end up encountering some real annoyances, they continue to say “It’s fine. I can change them.” And let’s not even get into how many people are in divorce court proceedings as we speak, all the while bitter and resentful, all because they married someone believing that they could change them.

That’s not to say that love doesn’t change a person. Indeed it does!

But that’s the point. Love changes a person.

People can’t force others to change.

So, whether you’re currently in a relationship, you’re about to go on a first date or you simply would like to break the pattern of trying to control---um, change---a person, here are five myths about the “I can change them” mentality that we’re going to challenge. Down to its very core!

If I don’t like it, it needs to change. Each person is a lot like a piece of art in the sense that they are distinctive; they are an individual. And just like a unique painting or sculpture, it’s kind of hard to determine what’s “good” or “bad” about someone based on surface level things. Some things simply make the art, or an individual, what it is. Do you see where we are going with this? Although there are some character issues that you should definitely be on the lookout for, when it comes to how a person dresses, what their favorite hobbies are or even their perspective on things, that is what makes them who they are. Just because you may not like it, that doesn’t automatically make you right or them wrong. Sometimes you need to just appreciate “the art of a person” for what it is---rare.

If I press the issue enough, they will change. Say that you hate some of their habits. No major issues, but simply the way that they eat or how they take care of their place. Then say that you’ve said at dinner “Have you ever noticed that you talk with your mouth open sometimes?” or when you’ve gone to their house, you’ve joked and said “I guess I should get you a maid for your birthday, huh?” and all they do is laugh and (seemingly) brush it off. Although you might think this is your cue to bring it up again, there are two things to remember about who you’re seeing. One is the fact that they are an adult. The second is you are not their mother. Whether it’s an actual problem or a personal preference of yours, once you bring it up and they acknowledge that they heard you, you really need to drop it. Nagging isn’t attractive. It’s controlling, it’s pushy and it’s actually a great way to get your “change agenda” to backfire on you. If something bothers you that much, the issue isn’t whether or not they should change, but whether or not you have the tolerance to deal with it.

If I change, they will change. Although this approach is certainly better than the whole nagging thing, it’s still not the best route to take. Why? Basically because the motive is all wrong. You might have watched a television show or movie before where a couple is talking and the woman will bring up something she wants her man to do differently. As he’s pondering it, she then says “I mean, I’m sure there’s something about me that you’d like to change too.” Uh-huh. There are probably several things that he wishes were different, but here’s the catcher: He didn’t bring them up because they are not big enough of a deal to him! “Bartering change” rarely works---or more importantly lasts. So, don’t offer to change something about yourself just to get the person you’re with to change something about them. Change because you want to…because you need to. Simple as that.

If they truly love me, they will change. OK, this one right here has got to be one of the most manipulative resolves on the planet! It’s also one that can just as easily be flipped around back to you. How about “If you love them, you won’t expect them to change”?  Although it’s certainly understandable that you may encounter times in your relationship where you’ll find yourself wanting more, out of respect for the person you’re seeing and the relationship that you have, it’s best to simply state what your needs are, express how important they are to you and then give them the time and space that they need to determine if they want to implement certain changes---or not.

Change should be the focus; not improvement. This may be the biggest myth of all! Whether it’s a professional matchmaker or your best married friend, when it comes to this particular topic, something that they are both (probably) going to tell you is the key to a healthy relationship is not trying to change one another, but improve one another. In fact, that’s what love should do overall: make two people better as a result of being together. Bottom line, if you both focus more on self-improvement rather than changing each other, you might be pleasantly surprised. The things that need to be changed probably will---without any pressure on your part!