Sure, they may be a little rough around the edges now, but that’s OK.
I’m pretty sure that I can change them.
Boy, if there are two sentences that are the result of so much disillusionment in relationships, it would have to be those! It’s almost like it’s a perpetual pattern. For many people, when they are on a first date and see something that they don’t particularly care for, they think to themselves “I can change them.” When they decide to take things to the next level and exclusively date and then end up encountering some real annoyances, they continue to say “It’s fine. I can change them.” And let’s not even get into how many people are in divorce court proceedings as we speak, all the while bitter and resentful, all because they married someone believing that they could change them.
That’s not to say that love doesn’t change a person. Indeed it does!
But that’s the point. Love changes a person.
People can’t force others to change.
So, whether you’re currently in a relationship, you’re about to go on a first date or you simply would like to break the pattern of trying to control---um, change---a person, here are five myths about the “I can change them” mentality that we’re going to challenge. Down to its very core!
If I don’t like it, it needs to change. Each person is a lot like a piece of art in the sense that they are distinctive; they are an individual. And just like a unique painting or sculpture, it’s kind of hard to determine what’s “good” or “bad” about someone based on surface level things. Some things simply make the art, or an individual, what it is. Do you see where we are going with this? Although there are some character issues that you should definitely be on the lookout for, when it comes to how a person dresses, what their favorite hobbies are or even their perspective on things, that is what makes them who they are. Just because you may not like it, that doesn’t automatically make you right or them wrong. Sometimes you need to just appreciate “the art of a person” for what it is---rare.
If I press the issue enough, they will change. Say that you hate some of their habits. No major issues, but simply the way that they eat or how they take care of their place. Then say that you’ve said at dinner “Have you ever noticed that you talk with your mouth open sometimes?” or when you’ve gone to their house, you’ve joked and said “I guess I should get you a maid for your birthday, huh?” and all they do is laugh and (seemingly) brush it off. Although you might think this is your cue to bring it up again, there are two things to remember about who you’re seeing. One is the fact that they are an adult. The second is you are not their mother. Whether it’s an actual problem or a personal preference of yours, once you bring it up and they acknowledge that they heard you, you really need to drop it. Nagging isn’t attractive. It’s controlling, it’s pushy and it’s actually a great way to get your “change agenda” to backfire on you. If something bothers you that much, the issue isn’t whether or not they should change, but whether or not you have the tolerance to deal with it.
If I change, they will change. Although this approach is certainly better than the whole nagging thing, it’s still not the best route to take. Why? Basically because the motive is all wrong. You might have watched a television show or movie before where a couple is talking and the woman will bring up something she wants her man to do differently. As he’s pondering it, she then says “I mean, I’m sure there’s something about me that you’d like to change too.” Uh-huh. There are probably several things that he wishes were different, but here’s the catcher: He didn’t bring them up because they are not big enough of a deal to him! “Bartering change” rarely works---or more importantly lasts. So, don’t offer to change something about yourself just to get the person you’re with to change something about them. Change because you want to…because you need to. Simple as that.
If they truly love me, they will change. OK, this one right here has got to be one of the most manipulative resolves on the planet! It’s also one that can just as easily be flipped around back to you. How about “If you love them, you won’t expect them to change”? Although it’s certainly understandable that you may encounter times in your relationship where you’ll find yourself wanting more, out of respect for the person you’re seeing and the relationship that you have, it’s best to simply state what your needs are, express how important they are to you and then give them the time and space that they need to determine if they want to implement certain changes---or not.
Change should be the focus; not improvement. This may be the biggest myth of all! Whether it’s a professional matchmaker or your best married friend, when it comes to this particular topic, something that they are both (probably) going to tell you is the key to a healthy relationship is not trying to change one another, but improve one another. In fact, that’s what love should do overall: make two people better as a result of being together. Bottom line, if you both focus more on self-improvement rather than changing each other, you might be pleasantly surprised. The things that need to be changed probably will---without any pressure on your part!