Yeah. Do you see the picture that we choose for this particular feature? There are a few striking things about it. For one thing, there is nothing worse than being so manipulated, so controlled, that you might as well be a puppet as someone tugs on your heart strings. Secondly, when you find yourself involved with this kind of person, although it might be hard to hear, they usually have a track record of manipulating others. (You are not the only “puppet”.)
But sometimes, when you feel like you’re in love, it can be hard to either 1) tell or 2) accept that the person you’re with doesn’t truly have your best interest at heart. That they are far more interested in how they can use you to their advantage rather than love you in the way that you deserve. And unfortunately, when it comes to the topic of manipulation, sometimes manipulators are so good at what they do that even the top professional matchmakers in the world can miss the signs. After all, manipulation is masked by deception and deceivers are masters at hiding the truth; especially about themselves.
We know. All of this sounds a bit “dark” and “heavy”, but if you don’t get a hold of what the differences between being loved and being manipulated are, heartbreak is what you’re headed for---and we definitely don’t want you to experience that.
That’s why we want to share with you some of the ways to know that you’re being manipulated in a relationship. So that if you are, you can get out. As soon as you possibly can.
You’re doing all of the work. In a relationship, there are going to be times when things are 50-50 and then there are going to be times when it’s more like 70-30. That’s simply because relationships have seasons and during different ones, people tend to have different needs. And sometimes, one needs more from their partner than their partner needs from them. But if you were to tally up your percentages of give vs. take and hands down, you’re doing most of the work (meaning, they are reaping the benefits of being with you without doing much sowing into your life at all), we hate to break it to you…but you are being manipulated. No doubt about it.
They are not truthful. There are a lot of things that relationships need in order to succeed, but three main ones are love, respect and honesty. Without them, you’re never fully sure who you’re with or where you stand. So, if the person you’re seeing doesn’t answer direct questions, continues to “get caught” in lies or you feel like they are holding back, this means they are not being truthful. And that’s probably because there is something that they don’t want you to know; something that will affect the way you see them and the “hold” that they have over you. Yes, something that liars are known for is manipulation.
You don’t feel “free to be”. Here’s a real doozy. A clear indication of a healthy relationship is that you’ll feel not only safe enough to be yourself but highly encouraged to do so. You won’t feel like every time you turn around, the person you’re with is talking about you needing to alter your appearance, explore another career path or change your friends. While healthy relationships do influence the people in it to improve the quality of their lives, what they don’t do is force that to happen, offer up ultimatums if it doesn’t happen or make either person wonder if they are being loved for who they are---or who the object of their affection is trying to make them out to be.
They don’t take ownership for their mistakes. One thing about being in a relationship with someone is they are human. And so are you. This means that they are flawed. And so are you. Here’s the catcher, though. If you’re the only one who finds yourself acknowledging the mistakes that you make, if you’re the one who always says “I’m sorry”, if you’re the one who is made to feel guilty all of the time but meanwhile, they act as if they are never in the wrong, that is another sign of manipulation. When it comes to manipulators, they think that so long as you feel bad, they have the upper hand; one that they can mentally, emotionally and sometimes even spiritually use to their advantage up the road.
Your identity is gone. Last one (although we could go on with this FOREVER). A manipulator takes great joy in wiping someone’s identity away. What you want doesn’t count unless it’s what they want. How you feel is irrelevant if it differs from theirs. What you think is always secondary to their own thoughts. You are not supposed to be an emotional clone of the person you’re with. You are supposed to be your own individual who is simply sharing your life with someone who has their own distinctiveness. If you find yourself saying “I don’t even know who I am anymore” (or others say something to you along the lines of “What? That doesn’t sound like you…” on a consistent basis), you really should consider ending the relationship or at the very least, bringing the issue to their attention and realigning some boundaries. If you opt for the latter, here’s a word of caution, though: Manipulators don’t like boundaries. In fact, they work to find every way possible, no matter how obvious or subtle, to violate them. We just thought we should mention that as you ponder all of this in order to determine if you’re truly in love…or simply being manipulated.