Is It You? 5 Things That YOU May Be Doing to Sabotage Your Relationship

OK, so here’s a question for you. Think about the last relationship that you were in. Now think about why it ended. If you were to write down three of the reasons (because rarely, if ever, is there only just one), how many of them would be related to what your ex did as opposed to what you did? In other words, are you more apt to blame your ex for the fall out or are you willing to take at least some of the responsibility?

The reason why we ask is because oftentimes, once a relationship goes sour, it’s very easy to place all of the blame on the other person rather than taking out some time to think about if there are things that you could have done better. Or perhaps just differently. In order to get better (or just different) results.

It’s important to do a bit of soul searching when it comes to this. Otherwise, there’s a great possibility that you will find yourself in a relationship very similar to the one that previously ended. Why? Because without resolving the issues from before and also without being willing to take some ownership where needed, it’s very possible that you will attract the same kind of person---just in a different looking package. Or, without looking at what went wrong on your part, even if a professional matchmaker connected you with the greatest person in the world, you still could end up sabotaging the relationship. Perhaps without even realizing it.

Although this article might be a bit challenging to read, we’re hoping that it will be received as an “ounce of prevention”. By recognizing some of the habits and patterns that you may be bringing into your relationship with others, hopefully things will go so much better and be so much healthier. The next time.

You don’t make them feel like a priority. Casual dating is one thing. But once you and the person you’re seeing have made the decision that your relationship needs to be exclusive, one of the things that this should mean is that you’re going to see no one else, but each other in hopes of building a future with each other. And what this means is that you’ve decided to make one another a priority. But if you’re too busy to take calls, you’re constantly breaking dates and the person you’re with is consistently telling you that they don’t feel like their needs are being met, eventually it’s going to translate into them feeling like they are not very important to you. And really, who wants to be in a relationship and feeling like that all of the time? Yeah, the clock is definitely ticking when you don’t make your significant other a priority.

You compare the next person to the last. A part of the reason why we remember the past is so that we can recall the lessons that we learned for them. So, for example, if your ex wasn’t a very honest person and in hindsight, you know that there were clear warning signs that you ignored, that’s something to keep in mind, moving forward. At the same time, it’s super unhealthy (and unfair) to assume that just because one person lied that all people do it. If you’re always comparing the person in your present to the person of your past, hate to say it, but the future is going to be pretty bleak for you. No one wants to feel like they are living in someone else’s shadow. Especially when that shadow is haunting you in a debilitating kind of way. Comparing is definitely one way to sabotage a relationship.

You need to be right all of the time. It may be Dr. Phil who said it best: “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?” This doesn’t mean that you always have to concede or that you can’t have an opinion or that it’s even “wrong” to have disagreements on occasion. But if at the end of the day, you will debate until the death just so that you can make a point and feel superior, not only is that condescending and a bit pretentious, but it can get to be exhausting too. Long story short, choose your battles. It will help you from sabotaging your relationship.

You are moody (and you want everyone to adjust no matter what). In a world that has so many ups and downs, if there’s one thing that basically no one wants is to be in a relationship where they never know what kind of person is going to “show up” at any given time. One moment you’re happy; the next, you’re melancholy. One minute you want to be affectionate; the next, you don’t want to be bothered. If you feel like you really can’t get a hold of your emotions, it never hurts to see a doctor and perhaps even make an appointment with a licensed counselor or therapist. But if you have resolved that you’re “just moody” and everyone needs to “get over it”, here’s the reality check: they may do that by choosing to (wait for it) get over you.

You are a Debbie or Donny Downer. No one wants to be around constant negativity. And so while there’s something to be said for being realistic and preparing oneself for the worst, there’s also something to be said for never looking on the bright side, always bringing bad news and gossip to a conversation and not being supportive of the person you’re with. Negativity only brings people down. Healthy relationships are supposed to help to bring people up and feel better about themselves. If you’re not doing that, watch out. You very well could be on your way to sabotaging your relationship.

Love or Manipulation: 5 Signs That You're Being Used in Your Relationship

Yeah. Do you see the picture that we choose for this particular feature? There are a few striking things about it. For one thing, there is nothing worse than being so manipulated, so controlled, that you might as well be a puppet as someone tugs on your heart strings. Secondly, when you find yourself involved with this kind of person, although it might be hard to hear, they usually have a track record of manipulating others. (You are not the only “puppet”.)

But sometimes, when you feel like you’re in love, it can be hard to either 1) tell or 2) accept that the person you’re with doesn’t truly have your best interest at heart. That they are far more interested in how they can use you to their advantage rather than love you in the way that you deserve. And unfortunately, when it comes to the topic of manipulation, sometimes manipulators are so good at what they do that even the top professional matchmakers in the world can miss the signs. After all, manipulation is masked by deception and deceivers are masters at hiding the truth; especially about themselves.

We know. All of this sounds a bit “dark” and “heavy”, but if you don’t get a hold of what the differences between being loved and being manipulated are, heartbreak is what you’re headed for---and we definitely don’t want you to experience that.

That’s why we want to share with you some of the ways to know that you’re being manipulated in a relationship. So that if you are, you can get out. As soon as you possibly can.

You’re doing all of the work. In a relationship, there are going to be times when things are 50-50 and then there are going to be times when it’s more like 70-30. That’s simply because relationships have seasons and during different ones, people tend to have different needs. And sometimes, one needs more from their partner than their partner needs from them. But if you were to tally up your percentages of give vs. take and hands down, you’re doing most of the work (meaning, they are reaping the benefits of being with you without doing much sowing into your life at all), we hate to break it to you…but you are being manipulated. No doubt about it.

They are not truthful. There are a lot of things that relationships need in order to succeed, but three main ones are love, respect and honesty. Without them, you’re never fully sure who you’re with or where you stand. So, if the person you’re seeing doesn’t answer direct questions, continues to “get caught” in lies or you feel like they are holding back, this means they are not being truthful. And that’s probably because there is something that they don’t want you to know; something that will affect the way you see them and the “hold” that they have over you. Yes, something that liars are known for is manipulation.

You don’t feel “free to be”. Here’s a real doozy. A clear indication of a healthy relationship is that you’ll feel not only safe enough to be yourself but highly encouraged to do so. You won’t feel like every time you turn around, the person you’re with is talking about you needing to alter your appearance, explore another career path or change your friends. While healthy relationships do influence the people in it to improve the quality of their lives, what they don’t do is force that to happen, offer up ultimatums if it doesn’t happen or make either person wonder if they are being loved for who they are---or who the object of their affection is trying to make them out to be.

They don’t take ownership for their mistakes. One thing about being in a relationship with someone is they are human. And so are you. This means that they are flawed. And so are you. Here’s the catcher, though. If you’re the only one who finds yourself acknowledging the mistakes that you make, if you’re the one who always says “I’m sorry”, if you’re the one who is made to feel guilty all of the time but meanwhile, they act as if they are never in the wrong, that is another sign of manipulation. When it comes to manipulators, they think that so long as you feel bad, they have the upper hand; one that they can mentally, emotionally and sometimes even spiritually use to their advantage up the road.

Your identity is gone. Last one (although we could go on with this FOREVER). A manipulator takes great joy in wiping someone’s identity away. What you want doesn’t count unless it’s what they want. How you feel is irrelevant if it differs from theirs. What you think is always secondary to their own thoughts. You are not supposed to be an emotional clone of the person you’re with. You are supposed to be your own individual who is simply sharing your life with someone who has their own distinctiveness. If you find yourself saying “I don’t even know who I am anymore” (or others say something to you along the lines of “What? That doesn’t sound like you…” on a consistent basis), you really should consider ending the relationship or at the very least, bringing the issue to their attention and realigning some boundaries. If you opt for the latter, here’s a word of caution, though: Manipulators don’t like boundaries. In fact, they work to find every way possible, no matter how obvious or subtle, to violate them. We just thought we should mention that as you ponder all of this in order to determine if you’re truly in love…or simply being manipulated.

Unhappy and in Love: 6 Signs That You Have Toxic Relationship Patterns

If there’s one question that all professional matchmakers should ask their clients during their first interview is if they know of someone or feel like they have a tendency to be a love addict.

Sure initially that line of questioning might sound a bit “odd”. After all, if you’re “addicted to love”, being that love is such a powerful and beautiful experience, that must be a good thing, right? Well…here’s something worth considering. As a wise man once said, the excess of a virtue can also be a vice. Meaning, anything done---or sought after---in excess can also become problematic.

So, how can you know for certain that you are a love addict? Here are a few telling signs:

You fall in love very easily and too quickly.

Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.

More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.

You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.

Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.

In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.

More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.

You can read even more signs (40, to be exact) by clicking here. The reason why we felt they were important to share is because if you’re not clear about the motives behind why you’re looking to be in a relationship, you could find yourself going into one for the wrong reasons or you keep attracting the wrong kind of person, all of these are symptomatic of being in a toxic (poisonous) relationship.

Here are some other telling warning signs:

You break up over and over again. Pretty much all of us know of someone who just can’t seem to shake off their ex. Although in rare instances, it’s because the relationship is meant to be and the challenges have been more about poor timing or the need for trust to be established, this is usually the exception and not the rule. Usually couples break up because things are not working. If you keep getting back together, oftentimes that’s an indication of fear of being alone, being afraid to move forward or being hung up on the few good things in the relationship that you overlook all of the ones that…aren’t so good.

You’re unhappy more than happy. One thing that comes with a healthy relationship is both individuals will feel as if they are thriving as a result of being with one another. That’s because when your relationship is working to your benefit, you will have the support, encouragement and commitment of someone who truly wants to see you succeed. On the other hand, when a relationship is unhealthy, it tends to be more about them, you won’t feel like you’re totally accepted and that will result in arguments, emotional pain and feelings of inadequacy. Long story short, if you’re crying more than you’re smiling in your relationship, there’s no way to dance around it. Something is definitely not right.

You rely too much on sex to be “the glue”. One of challenges that comes with having sex too soon in a relationship is you find yourself coming off of the euphoria of the physical intimacy without being sure if there really is an emotional attachment there. And sometimes, this means all you and the other person really have in common is the sex. But because you enjoy it so much, you tend to overlook the blaring red flags that are telling you that you don’t really have much else in common. Although one of the most popular ways to define a sexual experience is “make love”, the reality is that love should be able to exist without sex; that sex is simply one way to express love. Bottom line, if sex is all that you and “yours” have going for y’all, it’s not much. Talk about it first. And nothing much materializes, consider that it just might be time to let the “relationship” go.

You are always changing yourself. If you’re someone who knows that you battle with self-esteem issues, then this is a point that you should definitely keep on your radar. While it’s not uncommon to change, in the sense of growing, while you’re in a relationship, here are two things to keep in mind: 1) in a healthy relationship, you will not feel pressured to change; it will come as a natural evolution on your own terms and 2) it also will not come as the result of not feeling as if your partner doesn’t like you just the way you are. If you’re always trying to alter your personality or appearance to appease the one you’re with, they are controlling and you are being manipulated. And both of those things point to toxicity. You deserve something better. And healthier.

You can’t remember the last time that you were single. Being single is nothing to be ashamed of. There are actually a lot of benefits that come with having time alone to focus on yourself, your needs and your dreams and goals. If you’re the type of individual who can’t really attest to this fact because you’re always in a relationship, that can also be a toxic thing. Being in a relationship because it enhances your life is one thing. However, being in a relationship because you hate being alone is something entirely different. If you can identify with this, take out some time to take care of you. By doing that, you might discover that you’ll develop the tools that you need in order to break all other toxic relationship patterns.

Self-Doubt: 5 Insecurities That Can Ruin Your Relationship

Oftentimes, when we read articles about relationships gone wrong, they tend to touch on what to do if someone you’re seeing does something to you: lie, cheat, manipulate, etc. And while those kinds of write-ups can certainly be helpful when it comes to providing you with tips on how to avoid being (or staying) in a toxic relationship, in this particular article, we wanted to talk about matters of the heart from another angle. Things that you can do, sometimes without even knowing it, that can ultimately be the demise of your union.

And just what are those things? Insecurities.

Yep. Even if a professional matchmaker sets you up with the best person (for you) on the entire planet, the first couple of dates go well and you sense that you’re not just mutually attracted but truly compatible with one another, if you happen to battle with deep-rooted feelings of inferiority, that can put quite a bit of pressure and strain onto the person you’re with, as well as the relationship.

So, what are the insecurities that tend to do the greatest amount of damage?

Here are the ones that go on the very top of our list.

Not feeling attractive. One thing that is not the job of another is to make you feel good about yourself. Sure, they can tell you that you’re beautiful or handsome or that you look really nice on a date. But if you want to be in a relationship because you don’t find yourself attractive and you want someone to compensate for that, not only is it unfair to them, but it can end up being quite burdensome for them too. That’s because not liking the physical part of you is a pretty big void; one that no one person can fill. So, if that’s where you are right now, spend some time pampering yourself. Go to a spa. Get a new haircut. Pick out a new wardrobe. Lose some weight (if you really need to). Work on you. That way, once you’re actually in a relationship, they won’t feel like being with you is, well, a lot of work.

Jealousy. Basically, jealousy stems from a place of suspicion or envy. For example, you might not want who you’re seeing to be friends with the opposite sex because you suspect that it might turn into something more than a platonic situation. Or, you don’t like the person you’re seeing to talk to people who you feel look better or have more to offer than you. One of the things that a lot people miss when it comes to jealousy is they usually had issues in this area long before they ever met the person that they’re with. And usually it’s because either they haven’t forgiven someone who’s hurt them before or they don’t feel like they have enough to offer to keep the person they’re seeing focused on them and the relationship. Either way, when your insecurity is jealousy, there’s not enough someone else can do to reassure you that they’re happy with you and not interested in anyone else. It’s something that you have to worth through from the inside out.

Fear. Have you ever heard this acronym for fear: False Evidence Appearing Real? Some people are so afraid that the love they’ve found won’t last that they end up holding on so tight that it basically suffocates the other person, ultimately pushing (if not flat-out driving) them away. If you’ve been abandoned or neglected in a relationship before, the fear that may be tempted to rise up in you is certainly understandable. But do what you can to not let it overtake you. Talk it out with friends. Even see counselor if you think that would help. No one should feel terrified to love. And no one should feel scared to love someone who has fear issues either.

Comparing. It’s going to be very rare (VERY RARE) to find someone who has never been in a relationship with someone else before you came along. So yes, basically everyone has a past---one that has other people in it. Secure individuals focus on the present. Insecure people relive the past over and over and over again. And unfortunately, for folks who deal with a comparing insecurity, with basic information, they have social media to track down people’s other relationships. Comparing yourself to someone’s ex or past dates isn’t going to make you feel any better. Plus, if they find out that you’ve been snooping around, it will translate as you don’t trust them. Bottom line, if they still wanted to be with their ex, they would be. Besides, comparing yourself is a lot like a trick mirror. It doesn’t present the actual picture of yourself or your relationship. Or their past ones either.

Possessiveness. Love is not something that should be forced. That said, no one you’re with is a piece of property. Therefore, it’s important to always remember that they are with you because they are choosing to be. This means that they should be given the freedom, by you, to feel that way. Wanting to know their every move, wanting passwords and pass codes to the electronic devices, demanding to spend every possible hour with them sounds more like a prison than an actual relationship. Yep. Possessiveness is another sign of insecurity so, don’t squeeze so tight that the person you’re with can’t breathe. Instead, love them and yourself enough to give them space when they need it. So that they’ll come to you on their own…without your pressure or possessiveness.

Happy and Healthy: 6 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship

If there’s one thing that all of us long for, it’s love. As Carrie Bradshaw once put it “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” But the unfortunate reality is there are a lot of people who define that as simply “being in a relationship”. As a result, while they might be with someone, the situation is really not the healthiest for them.

When something is healthy, it is prosperous.

When something is healthy, it is full of vigor.

When something is healthy, it promotes happiness.

At the same time…

When something is unhealthy, it makes one weak.

When something is unhealthy, it is harmful.

Here are two other definitions of unhealthy: dangerous and risky.

If you were to sit down with a professional matchmaker to discuss with them what you are looking for in a relationship, one of the things that they would strive to do is connect you with someone who will be just right for you. And if someone is “right”, they are going to be healthy---spiritually, emotionally and otherwise (words to live by).

Being that so many people find themselves in relationships that are sometimes any and everything but, we decided to provide you with six signs that a relationship is truly all of the definitions of the word healthy.

Check ‘em out:

Healthy relationships help you to feel good about yourself. One misstep many folks make is looking for someone to make them feel smart or attractive or worthy. First, that is a lot of responsibility to put on one person. Secondly, it’s also a bit on the side of unrealistic---and unfair. It’s actually not someone’s job to make you feel better about who you are, so if you’re looking to be in a relationship for that reason, it’s probably best to spend some (more) time being single and focusing on (further) developing your self-esteem. But once you do feel great about who you are as a person, your relationship should definitely be affirming and encouraging of what you already know about your looks, gifts, talents and goals. Yes, a healthy relationship consists of two “life cheerleaders”. Two people who help each other continue to see the great things they are aware of about themselves. In other words, a healthy relationship should consist of lots of confirmations more so than revelations about your value.

Healthy relationships are not abusive. When it comes to the topic of abuse, a lot of people tend to focus on what physical abuse is more than anything else. But if you’re constantly being put down or verbally attacked (verbal abuse) or corrected or manipulated (emotional abuse) or even if you feel very lonely (neglected), you’re still being abused. Love is not supposed to hurt the mind, body or spirit. If that is what’s happening to you on any level, not only is the relationship unhealthy, but that’s your cue to get out. Now, please.

Healthy relationships are stable. Sure, roller coaster rides are fun at amusement parks, but emotional roller coasters? Yeah, they pretty much suck. If you’re in the kind of relationship that has extreme highs and lows on a weekly basis, something is unstable, and instability is not a safe state. If the two of you are always arguing and fighting and then pacifying one another immediately after, that’s not getting to the root of the issue. All relationships have their challenges, but healthy relationships are not constantly problematic. They are solutions-oriented and driven.

Healthy relationships don’t rely on sex for intimacy. We’re not saying that healthy relationships are sexless. We’re saying that healthy relationships are not sex-dependent. You know the kind we’re talking about, right? When two people really don’t have that much in common and honestly probably don’t even really like each other that much, but because the sex is physically gratifying, that’s the “glue” that keeps them together. No person should be another individual’s “fix”. If physical pleasure is all that’s really between you, at the end of the day, it’s not much. You both deserve better.

Healthy relationships grow. Remember how two definitions of healthy are prosperous and happiness? When something is prosperous, that means that it is flourishing and when something is flourishing, that means that it is “growing vigorously” and “thriving”. Not everyone wants to get married, but everyone should want to be in the kind of relationship that shows signs of being greater this year than the last. That’s why it’s always a good idea for couples to take “relationship inventory” a few times a year. It helps them to see if they are on the same page, if needs are being mutually met and what each other’s current expectations are. Bottom line, if something is alive, it is growing and healthy relationships should make both people in them feel just that---alive! If yours isn’t…it might be time to do something different. Or new. And that’s OK. Better to be healthy alone than unhealthy with someone, right? We couldn’t agree with you more!