Oftentimes, when we read articles about relationships gone wrong, they tend to touch on what to do if someone you’re seeing does something to you: lie, cheat, manipulate, etc. And while those kinds of write-ups can certainly be helpful when it comes to providing you with tips on how to avoid being (or staying) in a toxic relationship, in this particular article, we wanted to talk about matters of the heart from another angle. Things that you can do, sometimes without even knowing it, that can ultimately be the demise of your union.
And just what are those things? Insecurities.
Yep. Even if a professional matchmaker sets you up with the best person (for you) on the entire planet, the first couple of dates go well and you sense that you’re not just mutually attracted but truly compatible with one another, if you happen to battle with deep-rooted feelings of inferiority, that can put quite a bit of pressure and strain onto the person you’re with, as well as the relationship.
So, what are the insecurities that tend to do the greatest amount of damage?
Here are the ones that go on the very top of our list.
Not feeling attractive. One thing that is not the job of another is to make you feel good about yourself. Sure, they can tell you that you’re beautiful or handsome or that you look really nice on a date. But if you want to be in a relationship because you don’t find yourself attractive and you want someone to compensate for that, not only is it unfair to them, but it can end up being quite burdensome for them too. That’s because not liking the physical part of you is a pretty big void; one that no one person can fill. So, if that’s where you are right now, spend some time pampering yourself. Go to a spa. Get a new haircut. Pick out a new wardrobe. Lose some weight (if you really need to). Work on you. That way, once you’re actually in a relationship, they won’t feel like being with you is, well, a lot of work.
Jealousy. Basically, jealousy stems from a place of suspicion or envy. For example, you might not want who you’re seeing to be friends with the opposite sex because you suspect that it might turn into something more than a platonic situation. Or, you don’t like the person you’re seeing to talk to people who you feel look better or have more to offer than you. One of the things that a lot people miss when it comes to jealousy is they usually had issues in this area long before they ever met the person that they’re with. And usually it’s because either they haven’t forgiven someone who’s hurt them before or they don’t feel like they have enough to offer to keep the person they’re seeing focused on them and the relationship. Either way, when your insecurity is jealousy, there’s not enough someone else can do to reassure you that they’re happy with you and not interested in anyone else. It’s something that you have to worth through from the inside out.
Fear. Have you ever heard this acronym for fear: False Evidence Appearing Real? Some people are so afraid that the love they’ve found won’t last that they end up holding on so tight that it basically suffocates the other person, ultimately pushing (if not flat-out driving) them away. If you’ve been abandoned or neglected in a relationship before, the fear that may be tempted to rise up in you is certainly understandable. But do what you can to not let it overtake you. Talk it out with friends. Even see counselor if you think that would help. No one should feel terrified to love. And no one should feel scared to love someone who has fear issues either.
Comparing. It’s going to be very rare (VERY RARE) to find someone who has never been in a relationship with someone else before you came along. So yes, basically everyone has a past---one that has other people in it. Secure individuals focus on the present. Insecure people relive the past over and over and over again. And unfortunately, for folks who deal with a comparing insecurity, with basic information, they have social media to track down people’s other relationships. Comparing yourself to someone’s ex or past dates isn’t going to make you feel any better. Plus, if they find out that you’ve been snooping around, it will translate as you don’t trust them. Bottom line, if they still wanted to be with their ex, they would be. Besides, comparing yourself is a lot like a trick mirror. It doesn’t present the actual picture of yourself or your relationship. Or their past ones either.
Possessiveness. Love is not something that should be forced. That said, no one you’re with is a piece of property. Therefore, it’s important to always remember that they are with you because they are choosing to be. This means that they should be given the freedom, by you, to feel that way. Wanting to know their every move, wanting passwords and pass codes to the electronic devices, demanding to spend every possible hour with them sounds more like a prison than an actual relationship. Yep. Possessiveness is another sign of insecurity so, don’t squeeze so tight that the person you’re with can’t breathe. Instead, love them and yourself enough to give them space when they need it. So that they’ll come to you on their own…without your pressure or possessiveness.