OK, so here’s a question for you. Think about the last relationship that you were in. Now think about why it ended. If you were to write down three of the reasons (because rarely, if ever, is there only just one), how many of them would be related to what your ex did as opposed to what you did? In other words, are you more apt to blame your ex for the fall out or are you willing to take at least some of the responsibility?
The reason why we ask is because oftentimes, once a relationship goes sour, it’s very easy to place all of the blame on the other person rather than taking out some time to think about if there are things that you could have done better. Or perhaps just differently. In order to get better (or just different) results.
It’s important to do a bit of soul searching when it comes to this. Otherwise, there’s a great possibility that you will find yourself in a relationship very similar to the one that previously ended. Why? Because without resolving the issues from before and also without being willing to take some ownership where needed, it’s very possible that you will attract the same kind of person---just in a different looking package. Or, without looking at what went wrong on your part, even if a professional matchmaker connected you with the greatest person in the world, you still could end up sabotaging the relationship. Perhaps without even realizing it.
Although this article might be a bit challenging to read, we’re hoping that it will be received as an “ounce of prevention”. By recognizing some of the habits and patterns that you may be bringing into your relationship with others, hopefully things will go so much better and be so much healthier. The next time.
You don’t make them feel like a priority. Casual dating is one thing. But once you and the person you’re seeing have made the decision that your relationship needs to be exclusive, one of the things that this should mean is that you’re going to see no one else, but each other in hopes of building a future with each other. And what this means is that you’ve decided to make one another a priority. But if you’re too busy to take calls, you’re constantly breaking dates and the person you’re with is consistently telling you that they don’t feel like their needs are being met, eventually it’s going to translate into them feeling like they are not very important to you. And really, who wants to be in a relationship and feeling like that all of the time? Yeah, the clock is definitely ticking when you don’t make your significant other a priority.
You compare the next person to the last. A part of the reason why we remember the past is so that we can recall the lessons that we learned for them. So, for example, if your ex wasn’t a very honest person and in hindsight, you know that there were clear warning signs that you ignored, that’s something to keep in mind, moving forward. At the same time, it’s super unhealthy (and unfair) to assume that just because one person lied that all people do it. If you’re always comparing the person in your present to the person of your past, hate to say it, but the future is going to be pretty bleak for you. No one wants to feel like they are living in someone else’s shadow. Especially when that shadow is haunting you in a debilitating kind of way. Comparing is definitely one way to sabotage a relationship.
You need to be right all of the time. It may be Dr. Phil who said it best: “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?” This doesn’t mean that you always have to concede or that you can’t have an opinion or that it’s even “wrong” to have disagreements on occasion. But if at the end of the day, you will debate until the death just so that you can make a point and feel superior, not only is that condescending and a bit pretentious, but it can get to be exhausting too. Long story short, choose your battles. It will help you from sabotaging your relationship.
You are moody (and you want everyone to adjust no matter what). In a world that has so many ups and downs, if there’s one thing that basically no one wants is to be in a relationship where they never know what kind of person is going to “show up” at any given time. One moment you’re happy; the next, you’re melancholy. One minute you want to be affectionate; the next, you don’t want to be bothered. If you feel like you really can’t get a hold of your emotions, it never hurts to see a doctor and perhaps even make an appointment with a licensed counselor or therapist. But if you have resolved that you’re “just moody” and everyone needs to “get over it”, here’s the reality check: they may do that by choosing to (wait for it) get over you.
You are a Debbie or Donny Downer. No one wants to be around constant negativity. And so while there’s something to be said for being realistic and preparing oneself for the worst, there’s also something to be said for never looking on the bright side, always bringing bad news and gossip to a conversation and not being supportive of the person you’re with. Negativity only brings people down. Healthy relationships are supposed to help to bring people up and feel better about themselves. If you’re not doing that, watch out. You very well could be on your way to sabotaging your relationship.