Love Nurturing: 6 Things That Can Help Your Relationship to Grow

There’s a movie from the mid-90s called Love Jones. In it, there’s a line from one of the married man who’s going through some problems in his relationship. While talking to one of his single friends about what’s going on, he says “Everyone talks about falling in love. Can someone please tell me how to stay there?”

Whether you find the right match through a matchmaker, a friend or fate, any couple who’s been together for more than a couple of years will tell you that making a relationship work (and last) is about a whole lot more than having strong feelings for another person. Love is awesome, miraculous even---yet it’s also a lot of work.

Actually, if you make sure to do these following six tips, “work” may not be something that can be avoided. Maintenance may be more of what your relationship will need. We say that because if you are willing to apply these following things to your relationship, we’re pretty confident that your relationship will continue to develop and mature…into something truly beautiful and lasting.

Be affirming. If you’re aware of the five love languages, then you already know that one of the ways to express love to the one you care about is to provide them with words of affirmation. Basically, these are positive things that you can say to them as a way to boost their confidence and offer support. No, this doesn’t mean that you should say things that aren’t true. It simply means that you should focus on the good things about the person you’re with and make sure that you tell them what those things are. As often as possible.

Set boundaries. There are a lot of people who end up being in a relationship that doesn’t work out; not because of each other but “the peanut gallery” that’s around them. Getting relationship advice from your family members and friends is one thing. Keeping them in the loop about every single issue that comes up in your relationship is something else entirely. All relationships have their ups and downs, but when trying times happen, you’ll probably get over them before your friends will. Not only that but you don’t want to be so caught up in what others are saying that you can’t hear your own thoughts. Setting boundaries with those around you helps to protect you and your relationship.

Date consistently. Something that you can be sure will bring your relationship to a screeching halt is if you don’t see each other on a consistent basis. That doesn’t mean that you have to go on a date 3-4 times each week. What it does mean is when it comes to your list of priorities, cultivating your relationship is on the very top of your list. And one of the best ways to do that is by spending quality time together.

Be romantic. When it comes to romance, something that’s awesome about it is you don’t need to have a ton of money. A Hallmark card is romantic. A rose or two is romantic. A plate of homemade cookies is romantic. A handwritten letter is romantic. A CD of love songs is romantic. A candlelit dinner at home is romantic. A sentimental text out of the blue is romantic. We’re pretty sure you get the gist. Something that separates a relationship from a friendship is romance. Make sure your relationship has plenty of it!

Say “thank you”. When people get really comfortable in a relationship, sometimes that actually results in them becoming lazy. When that happens, they tend to not put as much effort into their relationship as they once did---and still should. One of the ways this becomes evident is through a lack of courtesy. When the person you’re with does something that you appreciate, say “thank you”. It will send the message that most of all, you are thankful for them.

Keep moving forward. For anything to last, it has to grow. That’s why it’s always a good idea to take inventory on your relationship, at least once a season (spring, summer, fall, winter). That way you both can discuss what you want and need from one another to see if you’re both on the page. A relationship that is constantly moving forward is one that is clearly being nurtured in a truly effective way.

What Should Come Before "I Love You"

“I love you.” It’s the magical words that so many of us long to hear. It’s the reason why many of us sign up on online dating sites or hire a professional matchmaker to assist us. It’s the reason why we can’t get enough off romantic comedies and love songs. It’s also the reason why, if you’re single, this article has probably piqued your curiosity.

At some point, we’ll get more into what should be expected after those three words have been said. For now, we found a pretty good quote to summarize our thoughts and research:

“’I love you’ means that I accept you for the person that you are, and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you even when you're in a bad mood, or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you're down, not just when you're fun to be with. ‘I love you’ means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them, asking in return that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping you feel the same way for me.”---Jonathan Safran Foer

Beautiful. Real. Right.

In the meantime, if you’re someone who has found yourself in some pretty disappointing and settling situations, basically because you wanted to hear “I love you” so badly that you rushed relationships or overlooked issues, here are a few things that we recommend that you require before those words are uttered between you and someone else (romantically so).

A “character check”. When you want to buy a house or a car, your credit is going to be checked. That way, creditors will have a good idea of whether or not you pay bills on time; if you are truly dependable. Along those same lines, before saying “I love you” to someone, it’s a good idea that you conduct what we call a “character check”. When it comes to the person that you’re seeing, do that keep their word? Are they honest with you? Do they say what they mean and mean what they say? Are they supportive, reliable and helpful? You’re not going to be able to say “yes” to any of those things in a matter of a few weeks. Give yourself at least a couple of months before giving their character a favorable score by telling them that you love them.

Clarity on where the relationship is headed. When someone says “I love you”, it tends to mean that they have every intention on taking a relationship beyond the casual. And so, before you say it or you jump up and down about someone saying it to you, it’s a good idea to talk about if you both see a future---and if so, what kind of future is it? Will your relationship being the kind that has a title? Are you planning to become exclusive? In short, do you both want the same things from one another? Being sure about all of this will make saying and hearing an “I love you” like icing on a really delicious cake.

Making sure that it’s a healthy situation. Although we hate to bring up the not-so-positive aspect of unhealthy relationships, it’s the responsible thing to do. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who remain in abusive relationships---whether physically, verbally or otherwise---and a part of it is because of the “I love yous” that are exchanged. You definitely do not need to experience patterns of being mistreated, taken for granted or neglected before someone says “I love you”. If you do, the appropriate response is “Well, I love me and that’s why this relationship cannot work.”

Like we said, this is a short list but definitely things that show go on the very top of yours. “I love you” is a beautiful sentiment. Just make sure that it also has substance behind it.

Grudge Match: 5 Habits That Ultimately Lead to Resentment

No relationship is perfect. Hopefully, that goes without saying. But there are a lot of them that can be spared from heartbreak or divorce when certain things are put in place in order to preserve and protect it.

Just think about it. Pretty much all of us have either an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend or even an ex-spouse, and if you really stop to think about why (and how) the relationship came to an end, there’s probably not just one thing that you can point out. Honestly, it’s probably a series of issues that either never got fully addressed or one or both of you held in, in order to “keep the peace”---when the reality is all that it really did was build up resentment.

Whether you’re currently in a relationship or you’re just getting back out into the dating scene, we’re pretty sure that at the end of the day, what you desire is true fulfillment. One of the best ways to achieve that goal is to be conscious of the things that can happen that will lead to frustration, bitterness and ultimately resentment. And then accepting what you need to do in order to avoid these responses/reactions.

Here’s a clue. One of them is found in the title of this article…

Avoid holding a grudge. The only way that you’re going to be in a relationship where forgiveness is not required is if you decide to date someone who is perfect. And being that no person on the entire planet is that, it’s important to accept the fact that sometimes they are going to say the “wrong” thing, hurt your feelings or do something that you don’t appreciate. If something that bothers you happens repeatedly, it’s up to you to decide if it’s ultimately a deal breaker or not. But choosing not to forgive someone for making a mistake and then holding a grudge about it is unhealthy and super counterproductive. You want someone who forgives you when you mess up, right? In order for a relationship to truly be successful, it’s always a good idea to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

Keep your expectations realistic. There are a whole lot of people in this world who are always upset and it’s because of one thing: someone disappointed them when it came to not reaching their expectations. There are some people who believe that the best way to prevent this from being an issue is to simply not expect anything. Eh. Personally, we find that to be a bit extreme. Instead, state what your expectations are, then ask the person you’re with what they feel about them in order to reach a common ground. That way, you can get clarity of if they find your expectations to be realistic (or not) and then you both can agree on what you should literally and realistically expect them to do. And not do.

Accept your partner’s individuality. A wise man once said that when two people are just alike, one of them is unnecessary. That’s words to live by when it comes to being in a relationship with someone else. Basically what it means is if you wanted to date a carbon copy of yourself, why date someone at all? Enjoy being single and spending time with yourself instead. That said, being in a relationship is not just about being with someone you care about and spending time with them. It’s also about letting someone into your heart and world so that they can help you to grow as a human being. This means that there are probably going to be some challenges and disagreements along the way. Accepting that can definitely help you to avoid allowing resentment to build up within you.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Passive aggressiveness. We’re honestly not sure if there’s anything worse than it when it comes to trying to keep a relationship balanced and healthy. Basically passive aggressiveness is a form of manipulation. Someone asks you if something is wrong and you say “no” and then sigh and drop hints throughout the rest of the day. You get upset because someone didn’t do what you wanted them to, but here’s the clincher: You never said what that thing is. You simply wanted them to read your mind. One way for you and them to end up developing resentment is if you don’t say what you mean and only expect them to guess. “Communication is key” may sound a bit cliché, but trust us when we tell you that it’s one of the best ways to keep a relationship on solid ground.

Be patient. Relationships require patience. And the reality is a lot of them fail because one or both people fail to accept that fact. Every day is not going to be fun and easy. But every day can be purposeful, a learning experience and a way for both of you to mature and become closer as a direct result. If you’re really and truly willing to embrace this reality, you’ll discover that with each season of your relationship, there will be more to be thankful for and ironically, less to feel resentful about.