Although many of us dream of meeting our one true love, more times than not, it’s easier said than done. Out of the billions of people on the planet, it really is amazing that it can be so challenging to find our soul mate---the one individual who we feel is just right for us. The one we want to accompany us in this journey we call “life”.
This longing might be a part of the reason why, when we meet someone who we kind of like, we try to force it to be---or to move faster---than it needs to.
C’mon, we’ve all been there before.
You’re hooked up through a professional matchmaker or a good friend. You’re told that they think the person is “perfect” for you and so you give it a shot. And here’s the real catcher: You actually enjoy their company. The issue is that after a few dates, you discover that they are a bit more into you than you are into them. At least for now.
You might feel that way because they are calling you all of the time or they even bring up the possibility of becoming exclusive in the near future. And while you’re not at a point where you can firmly say that there’s not some real potential there, what you do know is you want them to pump their brakes a bit. Again, at least for now.
But how do you do that in such a way where it doesn’t turn them totally off or cause them to not want to allow things to happen a bit more…naturally?
If you’re in a relationship with someone you like, just not love, and while you want to see where it can go, you also want a bit more time and space in the meantime, here are some tips on how to slow down the relationship. Gently and sensitively so.
Put yourself in their shoes. Anyone who’s lived on this planet long enough has experienced some sort of rejection before. And while this is more of a “let’s talk a few steps back” rather than an all-out rejection conversation, it’s still a good idea to practice the Golden Rule; to do unto them what you would want them to do unto you. So before saying anything, take out a moment to think about how you would want to be addressed. That way, you can choose your words, tone and even your body language wisely. Beforehand.
Do it in person. When it comes to semi-serious conversations, nothing says “insensitivity” quite like doing it over the phone. Or worse, sharing thoughts over text or in an email. In fact, not only does it tend to send the message that you’re not the most sensitive person on the planet, but it’s actually a bit on the side of cowardly too. Being that communication is not just about what we say but our facial expressions when we say it, it’s a kind gesture to talk about these kinds of things in person. Tip: Don’t catch them totally off guard though. It’s also nice to give them a bit of a heads up by saying “I’d like to talk to you about something when we met up this week.” That way, they’ll be somewhat (emotionally) prepared.
Be honest. Whoever came up with the whole “say something nice and then follow it up with something not-so-nice” is not our favorite person on the planet. In our humble opinion, it’s basically buttering up someone for the kill. Plus, most smart people can see it coming a mile away. So rather than taking the whole “You’re a really nice guy (or girl)” approach, be honest. Yes, you think they are pretty cool but that’s not really the point. The point is that you like them and also you need more time to see how you feel about taking things to another level. If they’re mature, they will appreciate you letting them know what page you’re on. They will respect your forthrightness and honesty. And if they’re not? Well, that could actually help you to make a decision about what to do next. And when.
“Pause” on the physical intimacy. You’re going to do nothing but send a series of mixed messages if you’re not ready for anything serious or exclusive, but you start or continue a sexual relationship with them. So, if you really want to slow things down, this should include the physical intimacy too. That way, the boundaries are clear…until you’re clearer about where you want things to go. And in the meantime, you come off as a stand-up person and not someone who’s looking for the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility.
Don’t overthink it. Once the conversation has been had, try and avoid making them feel like they have to walk on eggshells whenever they’re with you. Make it clear that you really do like spending time with them; it’s just that you want to be emotionally responsible by making sure that you both remain on the same page. Just remember that after the conversation’s been had, it’s not necessary to keep bringing the topic up. You both have a mutual understanding. It’s now time to enjoy the relationship---as you see where it leads.