Take a moment out to think about this. When it comes to the friendships that you have with the opposite sex, what’s the one thing that’s preventing them from becoming actual relationships? If you said “a lack of chemistry”, we’d have to say that we totally agree with you!
Although the foundation of all romantic connections should indeed be friendship, in order for friends to get to another level, there has to be more than a mutual liking for one another and a set of shared interests. There has to be a spark. There has to be an attraction. There has to be some kind of desire for one another.
Whenever a person meets up with a professional matchmaker, that is one of their responsibilities; to match individuals up with someone who they won’t only like, but could totally see the potential of loving in the future. And for that to happen, there must be chemistry.
If you’re just getting back out into the dating scene, you may be curious about how you can detect the signs that you’d actually be better off as friends than lovers. If that is indeed the case, here are a few things that you should look out for after say, the second or third date.
You’re not physically attracted. You might wonder why you should wait until the second or third date to come to this conclusion. Mostly it’s because we believe that “attraction at first sight” can sometimes be as deceiving as “love at first sight”. In other words, if everyone solely depended on those two things to be a clear indication of who they should be with, there would be a lot more single people out in the world than there already is! Although someone might not immediately catch your attention, sometimes getting to know them better makes them more appealing than they initially were to you. But if after the second or third date, you still feel no kind of attraction, that’s one sign that friendship is probably in your future.
You don’t want the same things. Here’s another reason why you need to go on a couple of dates before deciding if someone could potentially be “the one”. No matter how long a first date might be, you can’t possibly discover all of the things that you need to know. For instance, in order to find out if you’re truly compatible, you need to ask about their interests, hobbies and goals. Not only that but their goals, aspirations and the kind of relationship that they’re ultimately looking for. If after a couple of conversations, you, for instance, find out that they want to remain single for a few more years and move to London to work in international affairs while you want to be married sooner than later and move closer to your parents, you’re probably not the best fit. You probably should be friends.
Your values are totally different. One mistake that a lot of people make is thinking that if someone is not a carbon copy of them, they are probably not a good fit. Actually, that couldn’t be further from the truth! One of the best ways to grow is to be with someone who differs from you; who challenges you to see matters from other perspectives and to try new things. At the same time, if marriage is what you desire, it’s always wise to look for someone who has similar values as you do. If family is important to you, you don’t want to be with someone who couldn’t care less about having a relationship with theirs. If your religious beliefs are paramount, someone who has none could prove to be really challenging. It’s one thing to have casual relationships with people who are “cut from a different cloth”. But when you’re trying to build a life with someone, it needs to be a person who sees the important things in life in a way that is similar to you. (Especially if you desire to have children at some point.)
There is no “intimacy compatibility”. OK, this one is a bit tricky because if you’re someone who likes to take physical intimacy slow, it could be a while before you find this out. Long-term relationships are just that: long-term. And whether you’re someone who doesn’t mind having sex a few weeks into a relationship or you’d rather wait until marriage, physical intimacy is a really big deal. Therefore, you want to be with someone who yes, gives you butterflies and you enjoy kissing and being close with. So, if after the first few kisses, you don’t really feel much of a connection or you do take things to another level and it’s basically the equivalent of watching paint dry (sigh), while the two of you may be awesome together in every other way, you still should probably chalk things up to friendship. Why? Because in order to be lovers, you need to want to be together in a sexual kind of way, right? Right.
You see them as nothing more than friends. Last one. Although it’s a good idea to give things enough time to see if they have the potential to become something more, if you honestly don’t see the individual as more than a friend, that’s probably because that’s all that they’re meant to be. And you know what? That’s totally OK. Finding a good friend can be just as much of a gift as finding true love. We’re just saying that rather than trying to force things, accept the reality for what it is. That way, you both can be friends…as you move on to finding the right person to be in a lasting relationship with. And perhaps someday, even double date with!