Dating the Old-Fashioned Way: 6 Things We All Should Still Do

Although there are some people who tend to use the word “old-fashioned” as if it’s a bad thing, we couldn’t disagree more. In a time where things are ever-shifting, culturally, it’s nice to keep some traditions around---some values that can help people to feel good about themselves. This is especially the case when it comes to dating.

No, we’re not saying that every man has to open up a restaurant door or that every woman should wait for a guy to ask her out. At the same time, there are some things about how our grandparents used to date that should still at least be considered. Because from where we sit, some of the “old-fashioned things” were actually quite romantic and ultimately helped to set the foundation for a lot of healthy, happy and committed relationships. (Just ask your grandparents.)

Plan some old-fashioned dates. Say that you hired a professional matchmaker to help you to find a date. If you were to share with them that you were looking to have an old-fashioned experience, they would probably be all over it! There is something to be said about going dancing, having dinner and then desert at an old-fashioned ice cream parlor or even going to the fair. Yep, one of the best things about old-fashioned dates is that it’s not about “getting physical”. It’s about creating an atmosphere where you and your date can simply get to know each other better.

Dress up. You know what they say about first impressions, right? So, why wouldn’t you want to “wow” someone on your first (and second and third) date? Sure, you need to dress in a way that fits the date that you have planned, but try to veer away from T-shirts and jeans every single time (especially the first time!). If you’ve got a nice suit or show-stopping dress, a date is the perfect time to pull it out and put it on!

Fellas, be chivalrous. Personally, we don’t know too many women who would throw a fit about a man coming to her door with flowers or opening up the car door so that she can get in (yeah, please don’t sit in her driveway and honk incessantly). Chivalry is a sign of romance and that always puts a smile (and blush) on a woman’s face. At the same time ladies, it’s a wise man who once said that chivalry is not dead; it simply went wherever being ladylike went. Being kind and appreciative when you see a man making these types of efforts is more than appropriate too.

Be technology-free. It would be nice if this particular rule could go without saying but…it must go on record. Having a smartphone is basically a way of life now. We totally get that. But what could possibly be so important that you can’t set your ringer to vibrate and you can’t turn off your social media notifications? Your date deserves your undivided attention. One of the best ways to demonstrate that you agree is to go on your date, technology-free.

Flirt. Ah, the art of flirting. By this, we don’t mean making crass sex jokes or gawking at one another’s body parts the entire night. We mean giving each other sincere compliments, winking an eye a time or two and “accidently” bumping your hands into each other’s. Flirting is also about sending a sweet text following the date. No doubt about it, flirting can be fun when it’s “above board”. When it’s subtle and not too aggressive or overt.

Follow-up. If after your first date, you realize that you are in no way interested, that’s one thing. And honestly, even then, you should still send a text saying that you appreciated meeting your date. But if you would like to see them again, we wrote an entire article on follow-up etiquette (you can read it here). The “cliff note version” is basically to follow-up, no later than the following morning with a text or call, express how much you enjoyed spending time with them and ask if they would be interested in going out again. If they would, ask them about what they enjoy doing. Showing that you are truly interested will help to put them at ease and set a really warm and comfortable tone…which a really great foundation for a dating relationship. One that now has a few special old-fashioned elements to it.

Sex Too Soon. What to Do If You Have Regrets.

One night stands. Although truly nothing is new under the sun, there are some things that, up until the past couple of decades, were considered to be taboo. Having sex with someone you just met only to never see them again (which technically constitutes as a one night stand) or having sex on the first date are two things that easily fell into this category.

But as casual sex has become more accepted (and some might even say encouraged) in pop culture and technology, “thanks” to apps like Good to Go, Luxy and Hinge (oh, and Tinder which claims to not be a “sex app” but c’mon, we all know what the deal is!) that have made it easier to connect with people, more folks are finding themselves becoming physically involved, perhaps easier or sooner than they initially planned.

No matter what, because there are still STDs in existence, whether you are set up through a professional matchmaker or you meet someone at a grocery store or the gym, it’s important that you take care of your physical health. You can do that first by getting to know at least a few facts about the person’s sexual history.  

But what happens if you’re not typically keen on casual sex, you go out on a date, sparks fly and you do find yourself in bed with them far sooner than you initially planned? Do you run out the door? Do you hide your head in shame? Is the relationship on the way to being not much more than a glorified booty call?

Here are some helpful tips for what to do if you have regrets---after having sex too soon.

Say it. For the record, there’s nothing worse than engaging in consensual sex with another person and then making them feel guilty about it. So, what we mean by “say it” is not that you should accuse them of somehow taking advantage of you or the moment five minutes after the experience is over. What we mean is (probably the next day) mention that because you really like them and you see some true potential there, you don’t want to make the mistake of only focusing on the physical aspect of the relationship; that you don’t regret the sex so much as the timing and so you’d like to take a few steps back.

Get their thoughts. Without hearing exactly where they are coming from, it’s going to be unfair to assume that 1) they regret sleeping with you as well; 2) they only wanted you for sex or 3) they don’t have some things that they’d like to share on the topic too. So, after you say what you need to, open up the floor for them to talk about what they think about what transpired. Although some things might be awkward to hear, it’s better to know the truth as soon as possible. That way, you’ll know whether you’re both on the same page. Or not.

Come up with a plan. Once you both have expressed your feelings, if you come to the decision that you’d still like to see each other, come up with a plan for investing into the non-physical side of the evolving relationship. Plan dates that are outside of each other’s homes (in order to avoid the temptation to “fall into a sex routine”). Hold some conversations that will help you both to see if there’s more than just a strong physical attraction there. Come up with an amount of time that both of you can agree upon to wait until exploring another sexual excursion.

If there is more between the two of you than just sex, you’ll both be willing to stick around and put in the effort to see. On the other hand, if they start to fade off into the sunset (so-to-speak), don’t beat yourself up with guilt. Life is about living and learning. Just make sure that next time, you’ll wait until you’re absolutely sure that sex is something that you want to do. And the best way to know…is to wait. At least past the first few (3-5 dates).

Dating vs. Courting: The Main Differences Between the Two

Dating vs. Courting. It’s not something that’s discussed even a fraction as much as it used to be, but if you asked your grandparents (and maybe even your parents) about the differences between the two, they would definitely be able to tell you. Or, if you wanted a visual example, reruns of old shows like Little House on the Prairie or The Waltons could break down what the whole courtship thing is all about.

For example, on Little House, when one of Charles Ingalls’s daughters had a young man who was interested in getting to know them better, not only did he have to speak with Charles first, but he had to present a plan for what he wanted from his daughter beyond simply “hanging out”. Back then, “just dating” was not an option. If you didn’t want something to end up being long-term, then there was no point in trying to make an initial connection.

That said, in a nutshell, the difference between dating and courting is when you’re dating someone, it tends to be more casual. You may like the individual and enjoy spending time with them. You might even be engaging in sexual activity with them, but the intention is not really about a serious commitment or a long-term relationship. On the other hand, when you’re courting (or being courted), it’s all about finding the person, “the one”, to spend the rest of your life with. In short, in courtship, there isn’t really anything casual about it. Everything has a clear motive. A true intention. An emotional investment.

The reason why we felt it was a good idea to share the differences is because when you’re meeting with a professional matchmaker, creating an online profile or allowing yourself to be set up for a date, it’s a good idea to personally know whether you’re interested in dating or courting. That way, you can (hopefully) be paired up with someone who is on the same page as you.

And just how can you be certain that you are meeting an individual who shares the same mindset? To help you out, we’re going to share with you some clear signs that a person is more into courting than they are into dating.

Courters ask “beneath the surface questions”. When someone is courting you, they are going to ask you more than what’s your favorite movie or restaurant. Being that they are looking to see who has the potential of being a life partner, after the first couple of dates, they tend to delve much deeper. The questions may be what your personal goals and ambitions are, if you desire to have children and what your family life is like. If the questions are going well beneath the surface, if they make you feel like someone is trying to get to the very core of you, there’s a pretty good chance that they’re not interested in merely dating; they want to court you.

Courters inquire about your relational desires. “What do you want in a relationship?” The main reason to ask this question is to see if the person you’re seeing desires what you do. When you’re casually dating, this isn’t that much of a priority because the intention is usually about simply having a good time. But if the person you’re seeing wants to know what your love languages are, why your past relationships did not work out and what you’re looking for in a spouse, these are definitely the courting kind of questions.

Courters tend to curb sexual activity. It might seem odd that if someone is really into you, they will not rush to have sex, but that’s actually another sign of a courter. Being that good sex can sometimes be mistaken for a truly intimate connection, some people would rather “wait to engage” so that they can be sure that they want to be in a relationship for the right reasons. So if a kiss at the door or cuddling on the coach is what your date is currently content with, don’t take that as a sign of rejection. It may be that they don’t want to date you; they would prefer to court you.

Courters will ask about your family. Ask any married couple who’s been together longer than their newlywed years and they’ll vouch for the fact that when you marry someone, in many ways, you marry their family too. This goes without saying if you choose to be with an individual who has children, but this is also the case when it comes to their parents and extended family too. In fact, finding out about someone’s childhood can help you to discover a lot about their core values and beliefs as well as their philosophies. A courter is going to want to know where you come from, your support system and what, DNA-wise, makes you tick.

Courters want to know about your life dreams and goals. We actually already touched on this point, but it’s important to go just a bit deeper for clarification’s sake. Having a successful relationship and definitely a successful marriage are about not only choosing to be someone who you deeply care for, but also someone who complements your life’s path and purpose. For instance, if you want to be the kind of entrepreneur who travels often, it’s going to be easier to be with someone who also likes to travel or doesn’t mind going days at a time without seeing you. Or, if you’ve always wanted to have a big family, it’s not going to make sense to date someone who doesn’t like children. Here’s another example: If you want to go back to school to totally change career paths, you need someone in your life who will support that decision and be willing to make certain sacrifices in order to make that dream a possibility. Someone who is courting you is going to be focused on seeing if the two of you able not only able to love one another but also build a life together. In short, dating is oftentimes temporary. Courtship has the intentions of forever.

Are You a Priority or an Option? How to Know the Difference

If you were to hop online and Google some quotes on relationships, one that you might happen to see is “Never make someone a priority when they consider you to be an option.” Although this is a pearl of wisdom that can easily be applied in just about every facet of life, it’s especially important to consider when you’re dating someone.

In fact, if you happened to speak with a professional matchmaker who worked for a company like Tawkify, before going on your first date with one of their (other) clients, one of the things they would probably ask you is if you’re looking for a serious commitment. That way, they can connect you with someone who is not merely interested in “meeting new people” but in meeting the one they feel they can truly build a future with.

But whether you choose to use a professional service to assist you with your dating needs or you would prefer to try dating “the old-fashioned way”, just remember that your time and emotions are truly valuable.

And because we think it’s important to be in the kind of relationship you desire, we wanted to share with you some of the signs that someone is truly making you a priority in their life---rather than seeing you as one option out of a sea of many.

Pay attention to how you meet them. One of the best things about using a professional matchmaking service is you can find someone who is on the same page as you are. Meaning, if you want to be married, they’ll pair you up with someone who feels the same way. On the other hand, if you meet someone on a dating app like Tinder or PlentyOfFish, it’s a toss-up what their intentions are beyond a couple of dates and “a good time”. So, if you want to be treated like a priority, pay attention to how the relationship starts. It’s important.

Pay attention to how often you see them. Have you ever heard the quote “If they like you, you’ll know it but if they don’t, you’ll be confused”? There’s a lot of wisdom that comes with that saying. When someone really likes you, it’s not about if they have time to see you. It’s all about them making the time. It’s about them figuring out how to talk to you on the phone and spend quality time with you, no matter how demanding their schedule is. In short, if you hear from them a couple of times per week (at least), they’re at least trying to make you a priority. On the other hand, if it’s every couple of weeks…yeah, you’re probably an option.

Pay attention to how they treat you. When you’re in a relationship with someone, they should make you feel special. While there are different ways to do that, the point is that you should never feel unappreciated, taken for granted or, even worse, disposable. You know, like you’re easy to let go of because there are so many other people to date. You are unique. You are original. And that makes you incomparable. Anyone who is truly worth your time is going to see this about you and treat you like you are not just someone they know, but someone they are lucky to know.

Pay attention to how they introduce you. For the first few dates (the first four or five), if you and your date happen to run into someone that they know, you honestly shouldn’t expect more than “This is (insert your name here).” But once you’ve started to spend a significant amount of time together, listen for if there are any “extra words” that are added. If things like “special friend” or “close friend” or eventually “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” are used, then you know that the relationship is more than casual. If after a few months, there’s…nothing, it’s time to have a chat about if there really is a potential of the relationship turning into something.

Pay attention to what they say to you. A huge mistake that people tend to make in relationships is not really listening to what the other person has to say. And when it comes to this particular topic, if someone says “I really just want to be friends” or “I’m not interested in anything serious right now” or “Yeah, marriage is not something that I see in the foreseeable future”, that is just what they mean. In these instances, there’s no real need for them to make you a priority because a serious relationship is not a priority for them. If this is the case, it’s up to you to decide where to go from here. If you want to make them a priority, an option or if you want to end the relationship altogether. However it all plays out, remember that you deserve to have what you want in a relationship. And ultimately, we support your decision. Either way.

Friends First: 6 Benefits of Building a Foundation on Friendship

If you were to ask 50 single people about what they want in a relationship, there’s a pretty good chance that they would mention things like love, respect and loyalty. And while all of the things are certainly important, something that should be just as much of a priority is friendship.

We say that because if you were to then ask 50 different (happily) married couples about what the key to their success is, we’re willing to bet some pretty good money that they’re going to say it’s the fact that they’re friends. When you’re friends with someone, it means that you both like each other, trust each other and enjoy spending time with one another. And doesn’t it make sense that all of these things would be what helps to make a marriage last?

That’s why, when you’re in the process of starting a relationship with someone, it’s so important that you build on a foundation of true and genuine friendship. Here’s some of the other benefits that come with doing just that:

Friendships develop organically. Although a lot of people may try and force a relationship to happen faster than it should, rarely is this the case when it comes to friendship. It’s a good thing too because when both people are not in a rush to become friendship, the pressure is off. As a result, they are able to relax and be themselves. When friendships are organic, they tend to be much healthier. The same goes for whatever grows out of the friendship too.

Friendships help you to get to know the real person. Sometimes, when people are only thinking about getting into a relationship, they are tempted to present a façade. They don’t want to talk about things like the mistakes that they made in their past relationships or the reprimand that they got from their boss or the IRS bill that’s freaking them out. When you’re friends with someone though, these kinds of things (and more) tend to come up. That’s a good thing because it helps you to see beneath the surface of someone and that’s always good when you’re trying to figure out if they truly are friendship material. Or not.

Friendship establish clear avenues of communication. Think about all of the friends that you currently have. What’s one of the things that they all have in common? Chances are, one of them is the fact that you like how easy the communication is. You’re able to freely talk and you also want to listen to what they have to say too. Plus, you both want each other to feel affirmed and validated because you care about each other’s feelings. Being that poor communication is one of the leading causes for divorce, we’re pretty sure you can see why establishing clear avenues of communication is so essential.

Friendships are fun. Can relationships be fun? Sure! But there’s a greater chance that will be the case when there’s a friendship first. When you’re not caught up in impressing someone, you’re free to show them your corny sense of humor or that weird thing that you do so well that you would think is silly if you were in the “strictly dating” mindset. Another great thing about building on a friendship is that you tend to be more open-minded when it comes to dates. It’s not about going to the most expensive or swanky place. It’s about doing things that both of you will truly enjoy. Even if it only costs a few bucks to do.

Friendships don’t make sex the main focus. Hands down, one of the best things about focusing on building a friendship is that you can learn how to be intimate in other ways than the physical. Although sex is a wonderful and important part of a relationship, when it happens to soon, it can cause people to be more caught up in how the sex makes them feel than what is really transpiring in the relationship. However, with sex off of the table, you can mentally and emotionally connect. And the real bonus in that is once you do decide to have sex, it will be just that much better! (Sex that has that kind of connection always is.)

Friendships have longevity. A professional matchmaking service and even your own mom will tell you that you want the kind of relationship that can maintain a friendship even if it doesn’t work out. But when people are so into starting a relationship without a friendship, oftentimes everything stops once it ends. And sometimes, that’s really sad. Just because the person you’re seeing may not be “the one”, that doesn’t mean that they still can’t be someone special in your life. If you’re both friends, you can oftentimes survive a break-up. And who knows? Maybe you’ll connect again at another time or maybe they have another friend who’s just right for you. Either way, when you choose to build a relationship on the foundation of friendship, you have more than a date. You have someone as a part of your world for life.

Non-Negotiables: 6 Things That You Shouldn't Be Willing to Compromise

One of the biggest mistakes that people make when it comes to relationships is refusing to compromise. If you happen to go into one with the mindset that it’s all about you, trust us, that’s a surefire way to end up all alone.

However, when you’re just starting a relationship with someone, there’s another mistake that transpires much more often than it ever should: People end up being so desirous of being with someone that they never really stop to think about what their deal breakers should be. And yes, when you’re single and looking for “the one”, you should definitely have a set of deal breakers; things that you’re not open to negotiating because, if you do, you will ultimately compromise your own personal standards and values.

Being that each person is different, these “non-negotiables” will vary. But there are six things that no one should be willing to bend on. Because if you do, they very well could break you.

Don’t compromise on the kind of relationship that you want. If you were to meet with a professional matchmaker, aside from the qualities that you’re looking for in a person, something else that they are going to ask you is the kind of relationship that you’re looking for. If you wish to casually date, there’s nothing wrong with that, but don’t say that if you’re actually ready to get married. There are a lot of people who wasted years of their life involving themselves with someone who was a good person but who wasn’t on the same page as them when it came to what they were looking to get out of a relationship. Time is precious. Don’t waste it.

Don’t compromise on your relational needs. If you’re someone who likes receiving loads of physical affection, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to get involved with someone who hates PDA (Public Displays of Affection). Or if you’re someone who makes a big deal about special days like birthdays and Christmas, you’re definitely going to find yourself disappointed with someone who honestly couldn’t care less about those things. Some people are not meant to be in a relationship with one another, they’re just meant to be friends. This is oftentimes the case when two people do not have similar relational needs.

Don’t compromise your beliefs and values. Say that you’ve decided that you don’t want to have sex (or have sex again) until you’re married. Then you meet someone and although the two of you hit it right off, they have made it crystal clear that sex is a very important part of their dating life expectations. Although there’s probably going to be a part of you that’s tempted to give the relationship a shot, it’s not fair to you to overlook your own standards nor is it fair to pressure them to go alone with them. 9 times out of 10, you’ll only end up resenting each other. That’s why, whatever your personal beliefs and values are, it’s imperative that you honor them. No matter what.

Don’t compromise your self-worth. Although there’s a lot of talk about not tolerating being in a relationship with someone who is physically or verbally abusive, there are other ways to be mistreated than that. Some of the signs of emotional abuse include manipulation, a lack of empathy and compassion, not validating your feelings and divulging your personal business to others without your permission. Also, another sign of abuse is neglect and doing things that causes you to constantly feel as if you are being taken for granted. No relationship is worth your self-esteem, self-respect or self-worth. If you even remotely sense that any of these things are transpiring, you need to end the relationship. And no, it should not be up for negotiation.

Don’t compromise your expectations. OK, this one is not quite as black-and-white as it sounds simply because some people’s expectations are a bit unrealistic. But if your expectations include things like wanting the person that you’re seeing to keep their word and to communicate consistently, there is nothing unrealistic about that. A wise man once said that we teach people how to treat us. Share your relational expectations upfront and if the person you’re dating refuses to honor them, it’s OK---recommended even---to end the relationship. Better to do it now than to find yourself standing before a judge in divorce court later.

Don’t compromise your boundaries. If you’ve never read the book Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend) before, it’s one that we highly recommend. Everyone needs to have boundaries because they show other people what kind of actions are, and are not, acceptable. If you don’t want to be spoken to a certain kind of way and the person you’re seeing does it anyway, that’s the violation of a boundary. Or if you desire to wait for a certain amount of time before making a relationship more serious and you keep getting pressured to “move ahead of schedule”, that too is a violation of a boundary. Someone who really cares about you isn’t going to want to do anything that will cause you to feel uncomfortable. If the person you’re seeing is causing you to feel that way, convey it first. If nothing changes, yes, end the relationship. Don’t feel bad about doing so either. Wanting to be with someone who doesn’t disrespect your boundaries should definitely be…non-negotiable.

'The Nice Guy': 6 Reasons Why He's SUCH an Awesome Catch

The nice guy. It’s a term that causes a lot of fellas (especially the nice guys) to sigh with the “So, here we go again” look on their face, while it also causes a lot of girls to roll their eyes with the “Can we please talk about something else?” attitude. Yeah, for whatever the reason, when it comes to dating, the nice guy tends to…not so much get a bad rap. It’s more like he doesn’t get much of a rap at all.

And you know what? That’s actually pretty sad. Yet it’s still a reality.

So, why is it that the nice guy oftentimes can’t get the props that he deserves? Is it that women automatically associate him with being the kind of nerdy and awkward guy who was “nice” but not super appealing in high school? Is it that women want a challenge and they feel like the nice guy isn’t much of one? Or is it simply that a lot of women haven’t really given the nice guy a chance because they oftentimes are focused on the dude who, quite frankly, is any and everything but nice.

Look, none of us are getting any younger. And if you happen to be a woman reading this, you can actually miss out on a really great relationship by telling your friend or a matchmaker who’s trying to hook you up “Yeah, he seems like he might be nice but…”

So, before you turn down yet another date with a really nice guy, here are some of the reasons why should actually reconsider:

Nice guys are kind men. When someone is kind, it means that they are considerate. It also means that they are gentle and helpful too. Now why should those traits be a turn-off? A guy who calls to check on you after you’ve had a hard day, a guy who speaks in a gentle tone, a guy who offers to help you to put your TV stand together or upgrade your computer software is someone who can only enhance your life. Ask any wife who’s been married five or more years or any woman who’s been divorced for that same amount of time and we’re willing to be that they’ll tell you that if you’ve met a kind man, when it comes to relationships, you’ve definitely hit the jackpot!

Nice guys are good listeners. Have you ever been on a date with a guy who only talks about himself? Or worse, whenever you try to get a word in, he tends to cut you off? While a lot of arrogant men are notorious for these traits, it’s not so much the case with the nice guy. He’s actually interested in what you have to say. Plus, being that listening is the key to communication and every relationship needs two good communicators in order for it to thrive, dating a good listener can only work in your favor.

Nice guys don’t underestimate the power of friendship. Honestly, a part of the reason why that is the case is because a lot of nice guys heard plenty of “You’re a really nice guy but…can we be just friends?” during their high school and quite possibly their college years too. And while all of us long to be in a relationship with someone where more than friendship is a part of it, nice guys have learned that there is real value to the foundation of friendship. As a result, they tend to allow their relationships to evolve gradually and organically. As relationships should.

Nice guys are proactive. Say that you do happen to have an affinity for another category of men: the handsome jerks (for the record, there are some really attractive nice guys on the planet too). And what qualifies “him” as being a jerk? He’s selfish. He’s inconsiderate. He doesn’t make you and your needs a priority. Being disappointed while in a relationship with this kind of guy is basically par for the course, and even if he does happen to apologize for his dating sins, he usually spends more time trying to make up for what he did wrong or didn’t do enough of than actually getting anything right. Missing your birthday and then sending you flowers? Reactive. Asking you two weeks in advance about what your favorite restaurant is so that the two of you can celebrate in style? Proactive. And you know what? Nice guys tend to be more proactive than reactive. (Chalk it up to the kindness factor.)

Nice guys live by the Golden Rule. Some people call it the Golden Rule while others call it karma. Either way, nice guys are usually on top of it. They tend to really take it to heart that you should treat people in the same way that you want to be treated. This means that they are going to return your calls because they want you to do that for them. This means that they are not going to lie to your face because they would hate it if you did it. This means that they are going to treat you with the utmost respect because that is something they long for in return. And the fact that all of this is even on their radar makes them pretty awesome people to be around.

Nice guys don’t run away from commitment. Although there are definitely some nice guys in the world who want to keep things casual, it’s more common to come across the ones who really do desire a relationship. The thought of having a steady girlfriend, a fiancé and eventually a wife does not freak them out. In fact, they tend to embrace it. So, if you’re wondering why all of the guys that you’ve been dating are not “relationship material”, ask yourself if you’ve ever considered the nice guy. If not, maybe, just maybe, now you will!

You CAN'T Be Serious: 6 First Date Red Flags

Have you ever had a friend call you upset about a relationship gone wrong? And while they’re going down the list of all of the hurtful things that happened, did you happen to hear them say “I don’t know how it got to this point. I never saw it coming.”

*sigh*

It’s true. Sometimes people can blindside you. But you know what, more times than not, there were warning signs, even from the very first date, that went overlooked. Signs that could’ve us spared weeks, months or even years of drama and heartache if they had simply been adhered to.

In the hopes that you can avoid this kind of shock, if you have a hot first date coming up, we wanted to share with you a few red flags to look out for. That way, you won’t get burned.

Red Flag #1: You see a wedding ring. There are some people who wear rings on the third finger of their left hand, even if they’re single. So if you happen to see one there and you want to clarify what it is, by all means do that. But if they tell you it’s a wedding ring, even if they say they are separated or divorcing, it’s a red flag. People are married until they are officially divorced and even then, they usually need some time to process and heal. That’s why it’s best to stay out of those kinds of situations. Oh, and if you notice a tan line around that same finger, take that as another sign to steer clear. Just trust us on that.

Red Flag #2: They talk about having a bad financial situation. A gold digger is not something to aspire to be. That’s not what we’re talking about here, though. If when you and your date start conversing, they mention not having a lot of money, recently losing their job or trying to make ends meet, they could be dropping a hint that they may not be in the position to pay for the date---including their part of it. These days, a lot of people prefer to go Dutch, which is OK. But if you went into the date with the assumption that the financial responsibility would not fall on you and you start to see that it’s going to end up doing just that, you may be put into that position again. And again. And again. Bottom line, be careful with the “I’m broke” hustle.

Red Flag #3: You feel like you’re being controlled. Say your first date is a dinner date. If when you try and place your drink or food order, your date cuts you off and tells the server that you would prefer something else, don’t overlook that. Once the two of you become closer and establish a type of intimacy (and understanding) about what you like and how you want your dates to go, that’s one thing. But when they are just getting to know you? Yeah, pushiness is not cool. In fact, it’s sometimes it’s a sign of a controlling individual and you do not want to be in a relationship with that type of person.

Red Flag #4: They talk about themselves. The entire time. Arrogant people don’t look for dates. They look for fans. One way to know that/if you are dating an ego maniac is if they spend the entire time talking about themselves. Another flag is if you can’t seem to get a word in edge-wise to the point that by the end of your date, you can basically count on one hand the amount of words you got to say. The way relationships start are the way they oftentimes remain. If you give your date the impression that you don’t mind not having a voice, there’s a pretty good chance that you’ll never be heard.

Red Flag #5: They live at home. If you’re dating someone who’s college-age, that’s one thing. But if they are in their 30s (or over) and they mention living with their parents or grandparents, you might want to investigate that a bit further. Yes, the economy is tough and we all have challenges here and there but don’t assume that an adult who lives at home has a simple story. Also, if you choose to overlook it, also don’t assume that dating is going to be easy or even convenient. An adult living on their own speaks to having a certain level of responsibility and stability. A person who says “Yeah, I still live with my mom” deserves to get a follow-up question like “Oh, so you’re pursuing your education or something?” And please, by all means, listen for the answer. And make sure it’s a good one.

Red Flag #6: They give backhanded compliments. Passive aggressive people can be so annoying. They also tend to be the ones who offer up backhanded compliments. You know, ones like “You’re cute. From your online profile, I thought you were thinner though” or “I like your style. If I had known you were so short, I would’ve dressed differently though.” Ugh. A backhanded compliment is about as bad a half apology: “I’m sorry but if you hadn’t have such-and-such, I wouldn’t have so-and-so.” Whether it’s a relationship coach, a professional matchmaker or even your more, they all are going to agree with the fact that you are worthy of someone who will easily and clearly praise you. If your date isn’t doing it, if they seem to be slick insulting you instead, that’s a red flag. And it probably needs to be your first and last date with that individual too.