Not Ready for Sex? Here's How to Be Affectionate in the Meantime

If you’re the kind of person who, when it comes to relationships, would prefer to take sex slow, no matter how much pop culture may want to think that it’s antiquated and even a bit ridiculous and unnecessary to take that approach, we actually celebrate your personal stance. And conviction.

In fact, we recently read an article on Psychology Today entitled “Take It Slow If You Want Your Relationship to Last” that provided this awesome food for thought. And confirmation:

Falling head over heels in love means, to many couples, having sex as soon as possible. The rush of infatuation leads people to take the next steps in their relationship without looking objectively at the odds of the relationship succeeding. Before they know it, they’re making plans to move in together. Unfortunately, many of these hurried unions lead to disappointment as the relationships falls apart before it’s even had time to take shape. The breakup takes its emotional, if not financial, toll on both partners. Ever hopeful that the next time will be better, however, many people find themselves almost instantly in a new and similarly passionate relationship. Chaotic and impulsive these series of entries and exits into relationships, called “churning,” take their toll. Relationships that form under these circumstances, should they lead to marriage, are more likely to suffer in terms of quality.

Whether you receive counsel on relationships from a professional matchmaker or close friend, when it comes to this particular topic, one thing that they are going to probably tell you is that there is a fine line between “proceeding with caution” and “having a total physical disconnect”. In other words, just because you may not be ready for sexual intimacy, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be intentional about finding other ways to cultivate affection, even in the beginning stages of a relationship.

So, what are some of the ways that you can effectively and safely do that?

Here are three great tips:

Be verbally affectionate. Although there are technically five different primary love languages (Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts), pretty much everyone enjoys being complimented and verbally affirmed. Whether it’s a text in the middle of the day to tell the person you’re dating that you think they’re special or it’s letting them know how attractive they look the next time the two of you are together, speaking positively into their life helps to make them feel good about themselves, more secure within the relationship and as a result, closer to you. Without a single touch.

Be emotionally affectionate. One of the reasons why it’s always a good idea to focus on building a friendship before doing anything else is, aside from the fact that it gives the both of you time to get to know each other a bit better (including when it comes to one another’s sexual history), it can help to establish a profound emotional connection. That’s because friends are able to share past stories, present goals and future desires. Friends are able to also share secrets and personal vulnerabilities. As a direct result of all of these things, a mutual trust is established which helps to bring about a deep emotional connection. By letting someone know that you care about them and want to get closer to them, emotionally, that is one of the best ways to become more emotionally affectionate.

Be physically affectionate. One definition of affectionate is “a feeling of fondness or tenderness for a person or thing; attachment”. Tender is a very sweet word because it means “delicate, soft, or gentle” and “easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kind”. A kiss on the cheek or forehead. Cuddling up during a movie. Holding hands. All of these are wonderful ways to be physically affectionate without being sexual. And here’s something that just might surprise you. In the article “5 Surprising Benefits Of Holding Hands For Married Couples”, some of the benefits include the fact that holding hands helps to reduce stress levels and also helps to trigger the hormone oxytocin---a hormone that is scientifically proven to help two people to bond to one another more.

So as you can see, if you are the one who tends to see sex as “icing” and not the entire “cake”, there are so many advantages that come from choosing to be affectionate first and sexual later. In fact, it can make the sexual intimacy that much better---once the two of you decide that you are ready. So take your time. As they say “slow and steady wins the race”. Even when it comes to waiting before having a sexual relationship.

Sex Too Soon. What to Do If You Have Regrets.

One night stands. Although truly nothing is new under the sun, there are some things that, up until the past couple of decades, were considered to be taboo. Having sex with someone you just met only to never see them again (which technically constitutes as a one night stand) or having sex on the first date are two things that easily fell into this category.

But as casual sex has become more accepted (and some might even say encouraged) in pop culture and technology, “thanks” to apps like Good to Go, Luxy and Hinge (oh, and Tinder which claims to not be a “sex app” but c’mon, we all know what the deal is!) that have made it easier to connect with people, more folks are finding themselves becoming physically involved, perhaps easier or sooner than they initially planned.

No matter what, because there are still STDs in existence, whether you are set up through a professional matchmaker or you meet someone at a grocery store or the gym, it’s important that you take care of your physical health. You can do that first by getting to know at least a few facts about the person’s sexual history.  

But what happens if you’re not typically keen on casual sex, you go out on a date, sparks fly and you do find yourself in bed with them far sooner than you initially planned? Do you run out the door? Do you hide your head in shame? Is the relationship on the way to being not much more than a glorified booty call?

Here are some helpful tips for what to do if you have regrets---after having sex too soon.

Say it. For the record, there’s nothing worse than engaging in consensual sex with another person and then making them feel guilty about it. So, what we mean by “say it” is not that you should accuse them of somehow taking advantage of you or the moment five minutes after the experience is over. What we mean is (probably the next day) mention that because you really like them and you see some true potential there, you don’t want to make the mistake of only focusing on the physical aspect of the relationship; that you don’t regret the sex so much as the timing and so you’d like to take a few steps back.

Get their thoughts. Without hearing exactly where they are coming from, it’s going to be unfair to assume that 1) they regret sleeping with you as well; 2) they only wanted you for sex or 3) they don’t have some things that they’d like to share on the topic too. So, after you say what you need to, open up the floor for them to talk about what they think about what transpired. Although some things might be awkward to hear, it’s better to know the truth as soon as possible. That way, you’ll know whether you’re both on the same page. Or not.

Come up with a plan. Once you both have expressed your feelings, if you come to the decision that you’d still like to see each other, come up with a plan for investing into the non-physical side of the evolving relationship. Plan dates that are outside of each other’s homes (in order to avoid the temptation to “fall into a sex routine”). Hold some conversations that will help you both to see if there’s more than just a strong physical attraction there. Come up with an amount of time that both of you can agree upon to wait until exploring another sexual excursion.

If there is more between the two of you than just sex, you’ll both be willing to stick around and put in the effort to see. On the other hand, if they start to fade off into the sunset (so-to-speak), don’t beat yourself up with guilt. Life is about living and learning. Just make sure that next time, you’ll wait until you’re absolutely sure that sex is something that you want to do. And the best way to know…is to wait. At least past the first few (3-5 dates).