Sex Too Soon. What to Do If You Have Regrets.

One night stands. Although truly nothing is new under the sun, there are some things that, up until the past couple of decades, were considered to be taboo. Having sex with someone you just met only to never see them again (which technically constitutes as a one night stand) or having sex on the first date are two things that easily fell into this category.

But as casual sex has become more accepted (and some might even say encouraged) in pop culture and technology, “thanks” to apps like Good to Go, Luxy and Hinge (oh, and Tinder which claims to not be a “sex app” but c’mon, we all know what the deal is!) that have made it easier to connect with people, more folks are finding themselves becoming physically involved, perhaps easier or sooner than they initially planned.

No matter what, because there are still STDs in existence, whether you are set up through a professional matchmaker or you meet someone at a grocery store or the gym, it’s important that you take care of your physical health. You can do that first by getting to know at least a few facts about the person’s sexual history.  

But what happens if you’re not typically keen on casual sex, you go out on a date, sparks fly and you do find yourself in bed with them far sooner than you initially planned? Do you run out the door? Do you hide your head in shame? Is the relationship on the way to being not much more than a glorified booty call?

Here are some helpful tips for what to do if you have regrets---after having sex too soon.

Say it. For the record, there’s nothing worse than engaging in consensual sex with another person and then making them feel guilty about it. So, what we mean by “say it” is not that you should accuse them of somehow taking advantage of you or the moment five minutes after the experience is over. What we mean is (probably the next day) mention that because you really like them and you see some true potential there, you don’t want to make the mistake of only focusing on the physical aspect of the relationship; that you don’t regret the sex so much as the timing and so you’d like to take a few steps back.

Get their thoughts. Without hearing exactly where they are coming from, it’s going to be unfair to assume that 1) they regret sleeping with you as well; 2) they only wanted you for sex or 3) they don’t have some things that they’d like to share on the topic too. So, after you say what you need to, open up the floor for them to talk about what they think about what transpired. Although some things might be awkward to hear, it’s better to know the truth as soon as possible. That way, you’ll know whether you’re both on the same page. Or not.

Come up with a plan. Once you both have expressed your feelings, if you come to the decision that you’d still like to see each other, come up with a plan for investing into the non-physical side of the evolving relationship. Plan dates that are outside of each other’s homes (in order to avoid the temptation to “fall into a sex routine”). Hold some conversations that will help you both to see if there’s more than just a strong physical attraction there. Come up with an amount of time that both of you can agree upon to wait until exploring another sexual excursion.

If there is more between the two of you than just sex, you’ll both be willing to stick around and put in the effort to see. On the other hand, if they start to fade off into the sunset (so-to-speak), don’t beat yourself up with guilt. Life is about living and learning. Just make sure that next time, you’ll wait until you’re absolutely sure that sex is something that you want to do. And the best way to know…is to wait. At least past the first few (3-5 dates).

Sexual History: What You Should (and Shouldn't Share) During the Early Stages

The information age. Without a doubt, we definitely live in it. In some ways, that’s good because you’re able to hop online to read the latest news or catch up with your family and friends on various social media platforms. At the same time though, it can also be “a bit much” because it can also cause you to talk about some things that should still be considered private.

Take your sexual history, for example. Although the media makes it seem like “hooking up” is no big deal, we’re still believers that sex is a pretty special and personal activity. That it’s something you should share on an “as need to know basis” and usually, that’s not during the first couple of dates.

So, just how do you find the balance between what is smart to share about your sex life and what really is TMI (Too Much Information)? A part of the answer lies in your personality.

For instance, if you were to ask a professional matchmaker that question, one of the things they might tell you is if you are naturally shy and your date asks you “Have you ever had a one-night stand?” it’s OK to tell them that you don’t like to divulge that kind of information. But what if you’re a super outgoing extrovert? If that’s the case, it might be best for you to pull in the reins just a bit. Saying “yes” is fine. Giving the blow-by-blow details may be taking it to the extreme.

However, there are a few others things to keep in mind when it comes to talking about your sexual history during the early stages of dating. Ones that can ultimately help to keep both you and your date at ease.

Say what you would want to hear. Here’s what we mean by that. Some people ask sexual questions out of pure curiosity while others are basically being intrusive and nosey. When you’re just getting to know someone, it can be hard to tell the difference and so there’s a simple rule to keep in mind: say as much as you would want to hear. For instance, if they ask you how many people you’ve had sex with, answer the question only if you want to know their answer. Or if they’re curious about how many STD tests you’ve taken, let them know only if you want to know the same. By saying upfront that you should not be expected to answer anything that they wouldn’t want to, not only does it help them to be more aware of their inquiries, but it also helps to create some boundaries when it comes to your own comfortability level too.

Names and details aren’t necessary. Anyone who took a basic biology or anatomy class knows how sex works. Therefore, they don’t need you to be their personal instructor. What we mean by that is this. It’s one thing to only talk about your personal sex rules like you don’t have sex on the first date. It’s also OK to talk about the sexual advances in the past that didn’t work or some lessons about relationships and sex that you learned back when you were in college. But if someone asks you to name the best sex you ever had or to tell you about the acts you will and won’t do, you definitely don’t need to feel like you have to cross those lines. It’s one thing to want to know more about a person. It’s another thing to basically use them as an unofficial sex hotline. Any person who wants to talk about sex more than just about anything else doesn’t need to be on a date. They need to be on Tinder. Or another kind of, um, website.

Talk about what’s relevant. At the end of the day, your sexual history is just that: history. A mature person is not only going to know that, but they are going to accept it too. So, the moment that you feel that things are getting a bit too deep for your personal comfort level, bring the conversation back to what’s relevant and that is you and them. Share what your standards are. Talk about the importance of safe sex and getting tested. Be open when it comes to what you want to transpire before sex even becomes an issue or practice. Sex does not need to be a topic that should be avoided during the early stages of dating. However, look at it like the icing on the cake rather than the whole cake. In other words, work on establishing mutual intimacy…and sex, one way or another, will take care of itself.