Not Ready for Sex? Here's How to Be Affectionate in the Meantime

If you’re the kind of person who, when it comes to relationships, would prefer to take sex slow, no matter how much pop culture may want to think that it’s antiquated and even a bit ridiculous and unnecessary to take that approach, we actually celebrate your personal stance. And conviction.

In fact, we recently read an article on Psychology Today entitled “Take It Slow If You Want Your Relationship to Last” that provided this awesome food for thought. And confirmation:

Falling head over heels in love means, to many couples, having sex as soon as possible. The rush of infatuation leads people to take the next steps in their relationship without looking objectively at the odds of the relationship succeeding. Before they know it, they’re making plans to move in together. Unfortunately, many of these hurried unions lead to disappointment as the relationships falls apart before it’s even had time to take shape. The breakup takes its emotional, if not financial, toll on both partners. Ever hopeful that the next time will be better, however, many people find themselves almost instantly in a new and similarly passionate relationship. Chaotic and impulsive these series of entries and exits into relationships, called “churning,” take their toll. Relationships that form under these circumstances, should they lead to marriage, are more likely to suffer in terms of quality.

Whether you receive counsel on relationships from a professional matchmaker or close friend, when it comes to this particular topic, one thing that they are going to probably tell you is that there is a fine line between “proceeding with caution” and “having a total physical disconnect”. In other words, just because you may not be ready for sexual intimacy, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be intentional about finding other ways to cultivate affection, even in the beginning stages of a relationship.

So, what are some of the ways that you can effectively and safely do that?

Here are three great tips:

Be verbally affectionate. Although there are technically five different primary love languages (Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts), pretty much everyone enjoys being complimented and verbally affirmed. Whether it’s a text in the middle of the day to tell the person you’re dating that you think they’re special or it’s letting them know how attractive they look the next time the two of you are together, speaking positively into their life helps to make them feel good about themselves, more secure within the relationship and as a result, closer to you. Without a single touch.

Be emotionally affectionate. One of the reasons why it’s always a good idea to focus on building a friendship before doing anything else is, aside from the fact that it gives the both of you time to get to know each other a bit better (including when it comes to one another’s sexual history), it can help to establish a profound emotional connection. That’s because friends are able to share past stories, present goals and future desires. Friends are able to also share secrets and personal vulnerabilities. As a direct result of all of these things, a mutual trust is established which helps to bring about a deep emotional connection. By letting someone know that you care about them and want to get closer to them, emotionally, that is one of the best ways to become more emotionally affectionate.

Be physically affectionate. One definition of affectionate is “a feeling of fondness or tenderness for a person or thing; attachment”. Tender is a very sweet word because it means “delicate, soft, or gentle” and “easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kind”. A kiss on the cheek or forehead. Cuddling up during a movie. Holding hands. All of these are wonderful ways to be physically affectionate without being sexual. And here’s something that just might surprise you. In the article “5 Surprising Benefits Of Holding Hands For Married Couples”, some of the benefits include the fact that holding hands helps to reduce stress levels and also helps to trigger the hormone oxytocin---a hormone that is scientifically proven to help two people to bond to one another more.

So as you can see, if you are the one who tends to see sex as “icing” and not the entire “cake”, there are so many advantages that come from choosing to be affectionate first and sexual later. In fact, it can make the sexual intimacy that much better---once the two of you decide that you are ready. So take your time. As they say “slow and steady wins the race”. Even when it comes to waiting before having a sexual relationship.

Sexual History: What You Should (and Shouldn't Share) During the Early Stages

The information age. Without a doubt, we definitely live in it. In some ways, that’s good because you’re able to hop online to read the latest news or catch up with your family and friends on various social media platforms. At the same time though, it can also be “a bit much” because it can also cause you to talk about some things that should still be considered private.

Take your sexual history, for example. Although the media makes it seem like “hooking up” is no big deal, we’re still believers that sex is a pretty special and personal activity. That it’s something you should share on an “as need to know basis” and usually, that’s not during the first couple of dates.

So, just how do you find the balance between what is smart to share about your sex life and what really is TMI (Too Much Information)? A part of the answer lies in your personality.

For instance, if you were to ask a professional matchmaker that question, one of the things they might tell you is if you are naturally shy and your date asks you “Have you ever had a one-night stand?” it’s OK to tell them that you don’t like to divulge that kind of information. But what if you’re a super outgoing extrovert? If that’s the case, it might be best for you to pull in the reins just a bit. Saying “yes” is fine. Giving the blow-by-blow details may be taking it to the extreme.

However, there are a few others things to keep in mind when it comes to talking about your sexual history during the early stages of dating. Ones that can ultimately help to keep both you and your date at ease.

Say what you would want to hear. Here’s what we mean by that. Some people ask sexual questions out of pure curiosity while others are basically being intrusive and nosey. When you’re just getting to know someone, it can be hard to tell the difference and so there’s a simple rule to keep in mind: say as much as you would want to hear. For instance, if they ask you how many people you’ve had sex with, answer the question only if you want to know their answer. Or if they’re curious about how many STD tests you’ve taken, let them know only if you want to know the same. By saying upfront that you should not be expected to answer anything that they wouldn’t want to, not only does it help them to be more aware of their inquiries, but it also helps to create some boundaries when it comes to your own comfortability level too.

Names and details aren’t necessary. Anyone who took a basic biology or anatomy class knows how sex works. Therefore, they don’t need you to be their personal instructor. What we mean by that is this. It’s one thing to only talk about your personal sex rules like you don’t have sex on the first date. It’s also OK to talk about the sexual advances in the past that didn’t work or some lessons about relationships and sex that you learned back when you were in college. But if someone asks you to name the best sex you ever had or to tell you about the acts you will and won’t do, you definitely don’t need to feel like you have to cross those lines. It’s one thing to want to know more about a person. It’s another thing to basically use them as an unofficial sex hotline. Any person who wants to talk about sex more than just about anything else doesn’t need to be on a date. They need to be on Tinder. Or another kind of, um, website.

Talk about what’s relevant. At the end of the day, your sexual history is just that: history. A mature person is not only going to know that, but they are going to accept it too. So, the moment that you feel that things are getting a bit too deep for your personal comfort level, bring the conversation back to what’s relevant and that is you and them. Share what your standards are. Talk about the importance of safe sex and getting tested. Be open when it comes to what you want to transpire before sex even becomes an issue or practice. Sex does not need to be a topic that should be avoided during the early stages of dating. However, look at it like the icing on the cake rather than the whole cake. In other words, work on establishing mutual intimacy…and sex, one way or another, will take care of itself.

Pump the Breaks: 5 Things to Think About Before Getting Intimate

There are some people who have their own rules when it comes to physical intimacy. For instance, some folks will not engage in sexual activity until monogamy has been established. Then there are others who simply look for a spark or connection. There are also some individuals who think that so long as the other person is “down”, so are they.

But if you were to speak with a relationship coach or professional matchmaker about when it’s the best time to get intimate with someone you’re seeing, they’re probably going to tell you that while each couple is different, there are a few things that you should think about first---for the sake of your mind, body and spirit. So that when sex does transpire, it’s a truly enjoyable experience for everyone involved.

Think about your health. This one definitely has to be mentioned first. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, there were 20 million new reported cases of STDs within the United States alone. And although a condom is pretty effective, only abstinence is 100 percent reliable. That said, sex continues to be a serious act that requires forethought and preparation. Make sure that the both of you get tested before engaging in it with one another.

Think about your pattern(s). A lot of sexually active people have a pattern. They might have sex on first dates and then never hear from the person again. Or, they may have sex only because the other person wants to and then they end up regretting it. Or, they might have really great sex with an individual and end up mistaking it for a great relationship, only to realize…it’s not. If you can relate to any of these patterns and you want to break out of them, you know the drill: The best way to not get what you’ve always had is to not do what you’ve always done. If sex has always played a role in an outcome you don’t want, try approaching sex differently with the new individual that you’re seeing.

Think about your reasons. You have to decide what’s best for you but it’s always a good idea to be clear on what your reasons are for doing things before you do them. And you know what else? When it comes to having sex, it’s also a good idea to know the reason why the other individual is doing what they’re doing too. That way, you both can be on the same page and no one is waking up the next morning…disillusioned.

Think about your gut. There is so much to be said for a person’s gut instinct. So, if something inside of you feels that the person you’re thinking about having sex with is unsafe or emotionally unstable or is simply not the best person for you to be intimate, don’t ignore your inner voice. Hey, better to be too cautious than not cautious enough, right? We agree. 100 percent.

Think about your goal. If you want to have sex simply because you enjoy sex and the other person feels the same way, do your thing. But if you’re doing it because you think that it will quickly escalate the relationship or because you’re scared that they’ll lose interest if you don’t and you want to hold their attention for as long as possible, these aren’t really the best reasons to get involved. Sex is not something that should be used as a mechanism to reach some type of goal. In fact, that’s a surefire way to end up disappointed. The goal of sex should be about two people who care about one another wanting to express their feelings through physical intimacy. If your goal is not as clear as this, wait. You have all of the time in the world to get intimate with someone. Even if it ends up needing to be with someone else.