Maybe during your lunch break one day this week, check out the article “The Hook-Up Culture: How An Entire Generation Forgot How To Actually Date Someone”. It basically explores how pop culture has gotten to a point where a lot of people are far more interested in casual sex than dating. The article is basically geared to people who are college-age. However, being that there are plenty of older adults who are also engaging in one-night stands or setting up “hook ups” on Tinder, it’s still worth checking out. One line in particular that we really liked was this:
“It’s time for young people to stop being lazy when it comes to dating. We need to break our poor dating habits and realize that if we want to meet The One, we have to act like it.”
If you want to meet “the one”, you have to act like it.
That’s some good stuff, right?
One of the benefits that comes from going through a matchmaking service like Tawkify rather than signing up for a profile on a site like Tinder is many professional matchmaking companies are not trying to merely find you someone to sleep with. They are invested in you connecting with someone who you can establish a true relationship with. For this reason, they actually discourage physical intimacy during the initial stages of dating. That way, you have more time for emotional intimacy to truly transpire. The good thing about that is it will give your relationship a stronger foundation and also improve the physical intimacy…when the time is right.
If this sounds like something that you’re interested in, here are five surefire ways to establish an emotional connection before a physical one:
Decide which is more important to you. We’re not trying to be the moral majority and so we should definitely put on record that if you don’t want to wait, that’s certainly your decision. We’re all for you getting what you want! But being that we’re huge fans of relationships lasting, we simply know that when things heat up too quickly, they can oftentimes fizzle out just as fast. Great sex is just that---great! But when that’s all there is, it can also cloud your judgment and cause you to do things like overlook red flags in a person’s character or not establish clear communication skills (for instance, you may find yourself relying on sex to “fix” any relational problems). On the other hand, the longer you wait, the more time you have to allow a friendship to grow. Out of that emotional connection, real intimacy can bloom---both in and out of the bedroom. If a healthy relationship is what you’re after, make the decision beforehand that it’s what’s most important to you. That it means more than having sex---even great sex---right off the bat.
Take sex off of the table. No, not forever, but definitely make it clear that it’s not really up for discussion any time soon. And by “any time soon”, this includes the “three date rule” that so many people still cling to. By stating upfront that casual sex is not really your thing, not only will you get to see what they’re true intentions are, but it can also take a lot of the pressure off. If the person you’re seeing isn’t given a definite “date”, then they are “forced” to focus on other matters. Like how to get to know you better both mentally as well as emotionally.
Be affectionate before being sexual. Physical affection is very tender, sweet and endearing. Doing things like holding hands and giving each other kisses on the hands and cheeks can create a nice chemistry and build up anticipation leading to kisses on the mouth and cuddling. And do you know what else it can do? It can establish a mutual feeling of safety and trust too. There are a lot of people who will readily admit that a one-night stand made them feel any and everything but secure. Allow affection to set the tone for how fast you want the physical part of your relationship to go.
Keep the dates out of the house. Although there are tons of reasons why it’s a good idea to wait before having sex with someone new, when you find yourself attracted to an individual, it can be tempting to throw those reasons out of the window. One way to keep your libido under control is to not “date in the house”. If all goes well, you have forever to cook in each other’s homes or cozy up on the couch to watch a favorite movie. For now, date in public. That way, when the time does come to “take it there”, you’ll be thinking more with your brain than…anything else.
Be clear about where the relationship is headed. In figuring out when it really is best to become physically intimate, don’t focus so much on the amount of time you’ve known someone, but the direction in which the relationship is headed. Meaning, if you’re not interested in having sex with someone you don’t see a future with, pay attention to the signs of whether or not you’re truly compatible with one another. Also, after a few dates, don’t be shy about asking them where they would like the relationship to go. If you both want the same things, you can be more confident about engaging in physical intimacy. Once the emotional connection is there.
