So Not Interested: 5 Things That Can Turn Your Date Off

Question. Have you ever been on a date with someone before who was attractive, smart and funny and yet they still turned you off? But here’s the thing: in hindsight, you could never really put your finger on why. You basically chalked it up to there being no chemistry or your professional matchmaker somehow missing something while filling out your profile information.

If you totally get where we’re coming from, we’re glad that you’re checking this article out.  Although it would take an entire book to cover all of the things that can turn someone off on a date, we do have five that may help you to pinpoint what your own dating pet peeves are. Plus, by seeing these things in black and white, it may also prevent you from being the kind of person who causes the individual you’re on a date with to give you some serious side-eye.

Check these out:

Being rude to those around you. Someone who’s been on more than a couple of dates before is going to be aware of the fact that it’s common and natural for people to want to put their best face forward when they’re on a date. It’s not so much that they are being “fake” as they don’t want the not-so-stellar parts of their personality to show before being able to make a pretty good first impression. That’s why, when people are first getting to know individuals, it’s not uncommon for them to watch how their date is treating the individuals around them. So, if you’re rude to your server, if you have road rage, if you are snappy to others in the movie line, an observant person is going to take note. And no matter how nice you may be to them, they’re going to sense that you have a rude sign to you. And yeah, that’s definitely not a good look.

Not turning off your phone. Unless you’re a physician who’s on call or you happen to have someone in your family who is extremely ill, there’s really no reason to have your phone on and there’s certainly no reason to be checking your notifications every 10 minutes while you’re on a date. The best way to let someone know that they are a priority to you is to offer up your undivided attention. And one of the best ways to do that is to put your phone on silent (or at the very least, on vibrate).

Gossiping. Eleanor Roosevelt once said “Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” And when you’re on a date with someone (especially a first or second date), the last thing that you want them to think is that you have a “small mind”. So whether you’re meeting the person for the first time or you’ve met before and have already established that you know some of the same people, keep gossiping down to a minimum. Aside from the quote that we already shared, you might be familiar with this one as well: “If they’ll gossip to you, they’ll gossip about you.” Gossip speaks to being a bit on the messy side. You definitely don’t want to be seen in that kind of light.

Trying to rush physical affection. When you’re just getting to know someone, it’s important that you are careful when it comes to observing their boundaries; especially their physical boundaries. So, unless they are giving you direct cues that they want to kiss, cuddle or otherwise, pump the brakes when it comes to initiating physical affection. Although in your mind, you might think that it’s coming off as being sentimental or endearing, to others it might translate as being nothing more than…pushy.

Doing a lot of comparisons. Wanna know one clear indication that you’re not over your ex yet? It’s if you’re constantly bringing them up while you’re on a date. Or worse, you’re comparing them to your date. Both of these are ultimate turn-offs. While we’re at it, so are bringing up celebrities that you like and sizing them up to your date. We’re pretty sure that you would find these things super tacky if they were done to you so yeah...avoiding turning your date off by comparing them to other people. You’re with them. Focus on them. Affirm them. Show that you are truly interested in them. No matter who they are, they will find that to be the ultimate on-a-date turn on!

Non-Negotiables: 6 Things That You Shouldn't Be Willing to Compromise

One of the biggest mistakes that people make when it comes to relationships is refusing to compromise. If you happen to go into one with the mindset that it’s all about you, trust us, that’s a surefire way to end up all alone.

However, when you’re just starting a relationship with someone, there’s another mistake that transpires much more often than it ever should: People end up being so desirous of being with someone that they never really stop to think about what their deal breakers should be. And yes, when you’re single and looking for “the one”, you should definitely have a set of deal breakers; things that you’re not open to negotiating because, if you do, you will ultimately compromise your own personal standards and values.

Being that each person is different, these “non-negotiables” will vary. But there are six things that no one should be willing to bend on. Because if you do, they very well could break you.

Don’t compromise on the kind of relationship that you want. If you were to meet with a professional matchmaker, aside from the qualities that you’re looking for in a person, something else that they are going to ask you is the kind of relationship that you’re looking for. If you wish to casually date, there’s nothing wrong with that, but don’t say that if you’re actually ready to get married. There are a lot of people who wasted years of their life involving themselves with someone who was a good person but who wasn’t on the same page as them when it came to what they were looking to get out of a relationship. Time is precious. Don’t waste it.

Don’t compromise on your relational needs. If you’re someone who likes receiving loads of physical affection, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to get involved with someone who hates PDA (Public Displays of Affection). Or if you’re someone who makes a big deal about special days like birthdays and Christmas, you’re definitely going to find yourself disappointed with someone who honestly couldn’t care less about those things. Some people are not meant to be in a relationship with one another, they’re just meant to be friends. This is oftentimes the case when two people do not have similar relational needs.

Don’t compromise your beliefs and values. Say that you’ve decided that you don’t want to have sex (or have sex again) until you’re married. Then you meet someone and although the two of you hit it right off, they have made it crystal clear that sex is a very important part of their dating life expectations. Although there’s probably going to be a part of you that’s tempted to give the relationship a shot, it’s not fair to you to overlook your own standards nor is it fair to pressure them to go alone with them. 9 times out of 10, you’ll only end up resenting each other. That’s why, whatever your personal beliefs and values are, it’s imperative that you honor them. No matter what.

Don’t compromise your self-worth. Although there’s a lot of talk about not tolerating being in a relationship with someone who is physically or verbally abusive, there are other ways to be mistreated than that. Some of the signs of emotional abuse include manipulation, a lack of empathy and compassion, not validating your feelings and divulging your personal business to others without your permission. Also, another sign of abuse is neglect and doing things that causes you to constantly feel as if you are being taken for granted. No relationship is worth your self-esteem, self-respect or self-worth. If you even remotely sense that any of these things are transpiring, you need to end the relationship. And no, it should not be up for negotiation.

Don’t compromise your expectations. OK, this one is not quite as black-and-white as it sounds simply because some people’s expectations are a bit unrealistic. But if your expectations include things like wanting the person that you’re seeing to keep their word and to communicate consistently, there is nothing unrealistic about that. A wise man once said that we teach people how to treat us. Share your relational expectations upfront and if the person you’re dating refuses to honor them, it’s OK---recommended even---to end the relationship. Better to do it now than to find yourself standing before a judge in divorce court later.

Don’t compromise your boundaries. If you’ve never read the book Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend) before, it’s one that we highly recommend. Everyone needs to have boundaries because they show other people what kind of actions are, and are not, acceptable. If you don’t want to be spoken to a certain kind of way and the person you’re seeing does it anyway, that’s the violation of a boundary. Or if you desire to wait for a certain amount of time before making a relationship more serious and you keep getting pressured to “move ahead of schedule”, that too is a violation of a boundary. Someone who really cares about you isn’t going to want to do anything that will cause you to feel uncomfortable. If the person you’re seeing is causing you to feel that way, convey it first. If nothing changes, yes, end the relationship. Don’t feel bad about doing so either. Wanting to be with someone who doesn’t disrespect your boundaries should definitely be…non-negotiable.

Considering Casual Sex? 6 Reasons to Rethink It

The hook-up culture. Although there are plenty of published articles, news specials and even college students who will vouch for the fact that it’s a pretty big trend that is apparently here to stay (at least for the time being), just because something is popular, that doesn’t make it right. Or wise. Or safe.

STDs are still alive and well. Unplanned (that are also sometimes unwanted) pregnancies still happen. So does a lot of the drama and confusion that can oftentimes result in participating in casual sex.

So, whether you’re someone who is teetering between signing up on Tinder (eh) or investing in a professional matchmaking service like Tawkify (a must better decision), or you’re simply curious about if there’s still a good reason to wait past the first (or even fifth) date to have sex, please take out a moment to read this article.

Yes, casual sex is all the rage right now.

But it’s also something to think long and hard about before actually deciding to do it.

The definitions of casual suck. There’s really no better way to put it. Casual means “without definite or serious intentions”. Casual means “careless or offhand”. Casual also means “apathetic”, “unconcerned” and “without emotional intimacy or commitment”. Even if you’re not looking to get married in the near future, you still deserve to be with someone who isn’t going to be careless with you, someone who isn’t going apathetic about your needs. Casual sex literally means “sex without emotional intimacy”. That might be fun for a while but sooner or later, you’re going to want more than that, don’t you think?

Condoms are not 100 percent effective. Condoms are definitely one of the best things to ever happen to birth control but you know what grandma told you. The only thing that is 100 percent is abstinence. And since a lot of thought and planning oftentimes does not go into casual sex (because again, one of the definitions of casual is unconcerned), this means that you may end up sleeping with someone on the first date and/or without requiring any of their sexual history (and by that, we mean an STD test). Casual doesn’t mean “not without consequences”. For the sake of your health, casual sex should be avoided.

It can cause “emotional mirages”. When someone is in the desert and they are parched and dehydrated, their mind may play tricks on them. In the sand, they may see what appears to be water when really it’s just a mirage. Along these same lines, when someone really likes a person or is super desirous of a relationship, they might think that good sex is a precursor to a great relationship. Although it happens sometimes, there are even more times when it doesn’t. Here’s the point: Just because someone makes you feel good, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they are good for you. Casual sex can hinder you from actually knowing the difference between the two.

Things can fizzle out really quickly. If you start off with sex as the “main course” of the relationship, while it may start off all hot and heavy, it can also cause things to stop rather abruptly as well. In some ways, casual sex is very similar to a buzz from your favorite drink. It can make you feel pretty awesome; that is, until the stimulant wears off. That’s why there are some people who will say that right after their sex romp is over, they want to be anywhere but with the person they just had sex with. Sex should be about intimacy; not getting a quick fix.

Casual sex lacks fidelity. Although a lot of college students involved in the hook-up culture probably like the fact that it’s “sex without a lot of expectations”, as we start to mature, we realize that what all of that basically boils down to is “privileges without the responsibility”. It’s pretty close to impossible to expect any kind of fidelity from a casual sex situation. So, if you want a solid relationship, cultivate a friendship and a real connection first. Then have sex. The other way around tends to backfire.

It usually doesn’t give you all of what you want. If you only want sex and nothing else…OK. However, we’re thinking that if you’ve been following this blog for a while, you probably desire a bit more than that and personally, we think that is awesome! Although sex should be an important part of any loving and committed relationship, it’s hard to cultivate that if (only) sex is the foundation. You have all of the time in the world to have sex. And more importantly, sex should not come at the expense of you not getting all of what you want. That said, casual sex should be not expected to be a precursor for a healthy and lasting relationship. If you want things like love, happiness and commitment, don’t rely casual sex to give them to you. Get all of what you want, starting with establishing a heartfelt connection that’s built on mutual attraction, interest and a desire for the same things---mind, body and spirit---first. Then sex will be special. And that far exceeds the kind that is casual.