Today, I marry my best friend.
If you’ve been to at least 10 weddings in your lifetime, you’ve probably heard a couple say that during their wedding ceremony or it might’ve even been printed up on their wedding program. We like it, not only because it’s such a sweet sentiment, but because when two people make the decision to spend the rest of their lives together, ideally, it’s awesome if they do marry their best friend.
For one thing, that shows signs of the relationship being healthy in many ways. And when a relationship is on a solid footing, a couple really can endure the good times and the bad.
But before a relationship can get to the point and place where both people trust one another more than anyone else on the planet, they each usually have another best friend. Someone who knew them before they ever met the person they are seeing.
If you’re currently in a relationship right now, you think it has real potential and you also have a best friend, you’re going to need your friend’s encouragement and support. Just to make sure that you’re getting it, here are some clear signs that they are actually not helping you when it comes to your love life; instead, they’re hurting it.
They are hypercritical. Say that you met the person you’re seeing through a professional matchmaking company. Even your matchmaker would advise that during the beginning stages of your relationship, you would be open yet cautious. However, it’s one thing to be careful. It’s another thing to be so critical of the person you’re in a relationship that they feel they can’t do anything right. If your best friend sees some potential red flags, you should take note. But if everything they have to say is negative, be a bit leery of that. A good friend is going to want you to find true love, which means they are going to be positive throughout the process. Besides, being critical often is about jealousy or possessiveness more than anything else (ugh). Which brings us to #2.
They are jealous. Although it would be awesome if there was no envy in the world, especially between best friends, sometimes it happens. And one of the times when the green-eyed monster tends to show up is when one friend is single while the other is dating. So, how can you know if your own best friend falls into this category? Good question. Look for things like them not being happy for you, giving backhanded compliments about your relationship (“They’re awesome, if you like that sort of thing.”) or avoiding you altogether (suddenly not returning calls, etc.). In short, look for indications that they are actually making the relationship more about them than you. About you needing to give them attention rather than them being a cheerleader for your love life.
They’re all up in the relationship. Yeah, this one right here is the absolute worst. After the first few dates, if you want to introduce your date to your best friend, that’s fine. On some levels, it’s even encouraged because that way, you can get an “outside perspective” on the situation. But if you’re realizing that they’re suddenly following your date online, wanting to hang out with the both of you all of the time or suggesting that they spend more time together with them in order to cultivate their own relationship…pump the brakes! Knowing the person you’re seeing is cool. Trying to be the third wheel? Not so cool. Even if you share everything, the person you’re dating should be off limits. Not just physically but emotionally too.
They talk too much. One of the wonderful things about having a best friend is you have someone you can tell anything to: your secrets, your fears, your insecurities…everything. But here’s the thing about that: Another great thing about best friends is that they keep your business to themselves. Unless you’re in some sort of danger (and if you are, you need to get out of the relationship pronto!), there is absolutely no reason or justification for why your best friend should be sharing your news with other people---family and mutual friends included. Not only is it a direct boundaries violation, but it could set up the person you’re with to be unfairly judged, pressured or even flat-out humiliated.
They make comparisons. Best friends are close but they are still individuals. This means that it’s OK to have different tastes in people. So watch it if your friend tries to make you second-guess your own judgment just because they might not find the one you’re dating to be attractive or ambitious or basically any other word that you want to throw in there. Bottom line, if all your best friend wants to do is have a size-up competition, they are being a judge. Not a genuine friend.