Ask anyone from your closest married friend to the best professional matchmaker on the market and they’re going to tell you that it’s normal---and even advisable---to want to put your best foot forward when you’re starting a new relationship. After all, it’s those first initial impressions that tend to last a really long time.
However, it’s one thing to want to present yourself in a great light.
It’s another thing entirely to want to hide your true self.
The purpose of dating is for two people to spend time together in order to see if they can take things to the level of something more serious (and hopefully lasting). Therefore, it’s never a good idea to be so scared of being authentic that you actually end up creating a whole ‘nother persona. The reason why is because if the person you’re seeing ends up falling in love with “the fake you”, you’re always going to have to be that person.
And you know what? Not only is it exhausting to do that, but it’s also totally unrealistic as well. Sooner or later, the real you is going to reveal itself and there’s no guarantee that they’re going to want to stick around once that happens.
And to tell you the truth, if things do play out that way, it’s understandable. They fell for someone who, in all actuality, doesn’t exist.
That’s why it’s best to avoid all of that drama from the very beginning; from date one.
If you’re curious about some of the telling signs that you might have a tendency to hide your true self while you’re dating---or that the person you are dating is doing it---here are five that you definitely should not ignore.
You don’t have an opinion. Although there aren’t a ton of people on the planet who want to establish a relationship with someone who is always confrontational or combative, it’s also pretty rare for folks to want to interact with individuals who don’t have much of an opinion at all. Say that your date brings up something going on in the news or pop culture and they ask you “So, what do you think about it?” Here’s the thing: they wouldn’t ask you if they didn’t want to know what you thought. Deflecting conversations by shrugging your shoulders and then asking them for their views may seem like you’re being accommodating. However, it usually conveys that your personality is pretty bland, even if that couldn’t be further from the truth. For this reason, speaking up works in your favor.
You defer to them on just about everything. Even if you were able to get past the first and second date without letting the real you come out, they might start to catch on around date three when they ask you what you want to do and you respond by saying things like “I’m happy with whatever you choose.” Even if that is literally the case, by stating what you find to be fun, that helps them to get to know you better. New relationships should have some spontaneity and diversity. It’s hard for that to happen unless both people are bringing their personal tastes to the table.
You ignore what’s bothering you. Yeah, you probably shouldn’t run down your list of pet peeves during your first date. But once you’re at the point where you both consider yourselves to be dating each other, it’s OK to speak up about things that really bother you. For example, if your date never seems to put their phone down during dinner and that’s the equivalent of fingernails on the chalkboard for you, don’t feel bad about letting them know. Actually, it’s only fair because if you’re quiet about it now, it sends the message that all is well. This means that if you do end up marrying them, you’re going to come off as controlling and also hard to deal with if you wait until then to voice your views.
You’re becoming bitter and resentful. Even if initially you think it’s a good idea to hide who you are, pretending is exhausting and eventually you’re going to be like that simmering pot that’s on the verge of boiling over! If every time you’re out on a date, you find yourself biting your tongue and becoming bitter and resentful as a direct result, this is a telltale sign that you’re keeping your real self at bay.
You put their wants and needs above your own. The more time that you spend with someone, the more you’re going to care about them. That’s completely normal and healthy. But when it gets to the point where your wants and needs are always put on the back burner just to keep the peace, that is when you’re headed towards being in the kind of relationship that is codependent at best and toxic at worst. Healthy relationships have a type of consistent mutuality where both people are getting what they need. But if you’re not sharing what’s important to you, it’s going to be hard for that to happen. Don’t do yourself, the person you’re dating and the relationship a disservice by holding back your personal relational requirements. Respect yourself and them enough to reveal who you truly are---so that real love has the best chance to develop!