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Unrealistic Expectations: 5 Things to Not Expect from a First (or Second) Date

July 28, 2015

If you’ve never heard of the website Statistic Brain before, basically it’s a popular website that provides statistical data on just about everything that you can imagine; including dating. Last spring, they posted an article on online dating and one of their findings indicated that a whopping 71 percent of people believe in love at first sight.

Maybe it’s because individuals still believe in romance (that’s a good thing, by the way). Maybe it’s because romantic comedies continue to put smiles on folks’ faces. Maybe people have a family member or co-worker who has a story of how their relationship started out that way. Shoot, it could even be that a lot of individuals have tuned in to watch the first two seasons of FYI’s Married at First Sight.

Whatever the case may be, being that almost three-fourths of people still feel that it can happen, this leads us to believe that there are a lot of hopefuls who find themselves having some pretty unrealistic expectations on their first---or even second---date.

Why? Because although love at first sight is awesome…

It tends to be pretty rare.

That’s why we wanted to take out a moment to share with you a list of five things. Things that it’s OK to be (quietly) hopeful for during the first few dates, but at the same time are things that you should flat-out expect.

To expect to hear “I love you”. Yes, in the movies, it’s sweet to hear an “I love you” (or at least an “I think I love you”) after a first date or a one night stand but let’s be real. It takes knowing a person to be able to know if you love them and that’s not going to happen in a short amount of time. So, no matter how much you would love to hear those three magical words, make sure that you hearing it and someone saying it is much more than merely being in love with love.

To expect to hear “You’re the one”. Let’s really think about what being “the one” really means. It basically means that out of all of the people on the planet (or at least your own social circle), you have found the person who best complements your personality, goals and lifestyle. And how could you possibly know that after the first couple of dates?!? Being “the one” is a sentiment that really needs to be reserved for when you and someone else are getting closer to exploring a long-term commitment or marriage because then those words can be backed up with substantial action. That brings us to the next point.

To expect your date to bring up marriage. Another cool thing about using a professional matchmaking service or even filling out an online dating profile is you can get a good gauge for if someone is interested in a long-term commitment or not before ever meeting them. But either way, don’t expect marriage to be a big part of the conversation on the first or second date. The first date is usually about getting a lot of formalities out of the way and the second date is about reaching a certain comfort level with one another. By bringing up marriage during that time…that can definitely disrupt the natural flow of things (to say the least). It’s a topic that should happen…naturally. It shouldn’t be forced in any way.

To expect your date to want to see you all of the time. So the first and second date are awesome! The chemistry is there. Conversations continue to flow smoothly. You both mention seeing each other again and you might even get a “good night” text at the end of each date or a “good morning” text the next day. That’s awesome. It really is. But don’t mistake excitement for commitment. By that we mean, just because you and your date like one another, they shouldn’t be expected to do the same things that come with actually being in a relationship. Having a great date and not hearing from them continuously doesn’t mean there isn’t real relationship potential there. It simply means that love takes time; that it’s something that shouldn’t be rushed.

To expect your date to want to be exclusive. Frankly, we’d be concerned if you told us that you went on one date with someone and the person suddenly said that they didn’t want you to see anyone else but them. In order for a relationship to be truly healthy, there needs to be a season of dating before it should ever transition into an exclusive situation. For this reason, please keep in mind that no matter how much you want to have a one-on-one relationship, you’ll be doing you and your date a disservice by expecting it before either of you is ready or sure. Bottom line, take your time. Enjoy the getting to know each other process. And remember that when it comes to dating, it’s OK to have expectations. Just make sure that you do your best to keep them realistic.

In First & Second Date Tips Tags unrealistic expectations, dating tips, tawkify
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woman frowning on a date

Picky or Perfectionist: 5 Signs That You’re Being a Bit Too Critical with Your Date

June 16, 2015

It’s an author by the name of Maureen Dowd who once said “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” So true, so true. Most relationship coaches and even matchmaking services will advise that before you decide to get out (or back out) on the dating scene, it’s always a good idea to think about what you’re looking for; not just in “a date” but when it comes to a relationship as well.

However, here’s the thing to keep in mind as you’re making your list and checking it twice: The list is more like a guidepost than a 100 percent absolute. Translation: If you’re looking for perfection, sorry, but you can pretty much hang that up. The perfect person is only found in love songs and movie screens.

So, how can you know that you’ve gone way past just “being picky” to being somewhat of a perfectionist? Here are five telling signs that can help you to realize if you’re being a bit too critical when it comes to your date.

You want perfection. The first sign has pretty much already been addressed but it is certainly worth reiterating. When something is perfect, it means that it has no flaws and for a human, that is impossible. So, if you want to be with someone who will do everything just the way you’d like them to at all times, get a puppet. There is no person on the planet who is always going to make you happy or is always going to meet your expectations. And you know what? That’s OK. The key is to look for someone who is right for you. Not perfect.

There are too many things you consider to be “wrong” rather than “different”. So, you’re on your first date and the person you’re with doesn’t put their napkin on their lap or they put their elbows on the table. Or they order a meat dish when you’re a vegetarian or an alcoholic beverage when you don’t drink. So what? That doesn’t make them “wrong”, that makes them different. Remember, you’re not looking for a replica of yourself. You’re looking for a kind and caring person who will complement you. Ease up on the “I wouldn’t do such-and-such and so they shouldn’t either” way of thinking. They are an individual. There is certainly nothing wrong with that.

They are listening to you talk more than you are listening to them. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if we’re not listening as well as we should be, so this is something that you might want to ask those closest to you about. But if when you ask “Do you think I cut you off a lot while we’re talking?” and they respond with crickets or “Well…”, you can take that as a “yes”. Sometimes when we feel like what the person we’re spending time with isn’t engaging us in the way we want them to, we’ll have a tendency to cut them off. That’s not great. Not only does it imply that we believe that what have to say is more important but also that what they’re saying (or trying to say) isn’t holding enough of our attention. You can’t get to know someone by only talking about yourself. Good communication does not only consist of conveying our own thoughts but listening (and processing) the thoughts of others too.

You take it upon yourself to correct them. People don’t go on dates to be critiqued. They go on dates to relax and get to know someone better. But if you’re always correcting their grammar or trying to “one up” them on information, that’s going to be perceived as a big (HUGE) turn-off. If you’re an English teacher and their grammar sucks (for example), wait until after the date to determine if it’s something that’s a deal breaker for you. During the date, do your best to grin and bear it. It’s the considerate thing to do.

You’re looking for someone to be who you’re not. This is a bit of an “ouch” but while going down your list, it’s always a smart---and humbling---idea to ask yourself if you have the attributes that you want. If you want someone who is accomplished, ask yourself if you consider yourself to be ambitious. If you want someone who is compassionate, ask yourself how well you respond to your friends when they are hurting or in need. If you want someone who’s in good physical condition…when’s the last time you went to the gym? It’s a lot easier to demand something of others that we don’t do for ourselves. It’s also a bit hypocritical too. And that is the worst kind of critical, don’t you think?

In Dating Etiquette Tags being a perfectionist, dating, unrealistic expectations, wrong vs. different, listening, don't be critical, dating tips, professional matchmaker, matchmaking services, tawkify
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