It’s an author by the name of Maureen Dowd who once said “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” So true, so true. Most relationship coaches and even matchmaking services will advise that before you decide to get out (or back out) on the dating scene, it’s always a good idea to think about what you’re looking for; not just in “a date” but when it comes to a relationship as well.
However, here’s the thing to keep in mind as you’re making your list and checking it twice: The list is more like a guidepost than a 100 percent absolute. Translation: If you’re looking for perfection, sorry, but you can pretty much hang that up. The perfect person is only found in love songs and movie screens.
So, how can you know that you’ve gone way past just “being picky” to being somewhat of a perfectionist? Here are five telling signs that can help you to realize if you’re being a bit too critical when it comes to your date.
You want perfection. The first sign has pretty much already been addressed but it is certainly worth reiterating. When something is perfect, it means that it has no flaws and for a human, that is impossible. So, if you want to be with someone who will do everything just the way you’d like them to at all times, get a puppet. There is no person on the planet who is always going to make you happy or is always going to meet your expectations. And you know what? That’s OK. The key is to look for someone who is right for you. Not perfect.
There are too many things you consider to be “wrong” rather than “different”. So, you’re on your first date and the person you’re with doesn’t put their napkin on their lap or they put their elbows on the table. Or they order a meat dish when you’re a vegetarian or an alcoholic beverage when you don’t drink. So what? That doesn’t make them “wrong”, that makes them different. Remember, you’re not looking for a replica of yourself. You’re looking for a kind and caring person who will complement you. Ease up on the “I wouldn’t do such-and-such and so they shouldn’t either” way of thinking. They are an individual. There is certainly nothing wrong with that.
They are listening to you talk more than you are listening to them. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if we’re not listening as well as we should be, so this is something that you might want to ask those closest to you about. But if when you ask “Do you think I cut you off a lot while we’re talking?” and they respond with crickets or “Well…”, you can take that as a “yes”. Sometimes when we feel like what the person we’re spending time with isn’t engaging us in the way we want them to, we’ll have a tendency to cut them off. That’s not great. Not only does it imply that we believe that what have to say is more important but also that what they’re saying (or trying to say) isn’t holding enough of our attention. You can’t get to know someone by only talking about yourself. Good communication does not only consist of conveying our own thoughts but listening (and processing) the thoughts of others too.
You take it upon yourself to correct them. People don’t go on dates to be critiqued. They go on dates to relax and get to know someone better. But if you’re always correcting their grammar or trying to “one up” them on information, that’s going to be perceived as a big (HUGE) turn-off. If you’re an English teacher and their grammar sucks (for example), wait until after the date to determine if it’s something that’s a deal breaker for you. During the date, do your best to grin and bear it. It’s the considerate thing to do.
You’re looking for someone to be who you’re not. This is a bit of an “ouch” but while going down your list, it’s always a smart---and humbling---idea to ask yourself if you have the attributes that you want. If you want someone who is accomplished, ask yourself if you consider yourself to be ambitious. If you want someone who is compassionate, ask yourself how well you respond to your friends when they are hurting or in need. If you want someone who’s in good physical condition…when’s the last time you went to the gym? It’s a lot easier to demand something of others that we don’t do for ourselves. It’s also a bit hypocritical too. And that is the worst kind of critical, don’t you think?