If there’s one thing that exclusive dating and marriage has in common, it’s the fact that when you’re in a committed relationship, the last thing on your mind is that it will come to an end.
Unfortunately, that’s sometimes what happens, though.
Take boyfriends and girlfriends, for example. While initially things may be going really well, as time progresses, sometimes one individual may discover that they want different things, that their needs are not being met or that there’s someone else with whom they have more things in common. It’s not that they don’t still care about the person they are with. It’s more that things are progressing enough to the point where it makes sense to stay. And so, the relationship comes to an end.
However, just like it takes time for a relationship to grow…
It also takes time for your heart to catch up to your head when it comes to an end.
So, before you speak with a professional matchmaker or you decide to go out with the person at work who asked you out, make sure that you’re really and truly over your past relationship first. Why? Because the best way to start something new is by making sure you’ve resolved the past first. And just how can you know for sure that you are over your ex? Here are five telling signs that you’re definitely not.
You are still intimate with your ex. Have mercy! If you were to ask a lot of couples who are no longer together if they are still intimate, they are probably going to say “yes”. That’s because one of the last things to go in a relationship is the physical aspect of it. But listen, there is no possible way that you’re going to be able to get on with your life if you keep “engaging” with your ex. For the record, being intimate with you is a privilege; one that only comes by being with you. When the relationship ended, they lost the “rights” to spending time with you in that way. Yep. If the relationship is over, the sex definitely should be too. You won’t truly get over your ex if it’s not.
You talk about them (a lot). This particular point is something that you should ask your friends about. If they tell you that you still find a way to bring up your ex in conversation, no matter what the topic may be, this is a clue that you’re still not over them. That’s not to say that you should go throughout life acting like they never existed (that’s actually another indication that you’re not over it, if you ask us!). But we tend to talk about the things that are really important to us and are in the forefront of our mind. If that’s your ex, then that’s your mind (and heart’s) way of telling you that you still need a bit more time to heal. And you know what? That’s totally fine. Take all the time you need. Just try and think about other things to bring up in conversation in the meantime.
You still “follow” them on social media. One thing that social media has done is make it pretty darn difficult to get over someone. Before Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, all you pretty much had to go on was a phone number when it came to constantly staying in touch. Now? All you have to do is mosey on over to one of their accounts and you can see what they’ve been up to, who they’ve been talking to and even if they are seeing someone new. If you feel like you have the self-control (which is more like self-restraint) to keep being “friends” and “following” them, we’re actually impressed because most people tend to spend even more time paying attention to someone following a break-up. And all that ends up doing is pouring salt on the heart wound. Our recommendation? Either unfriend them and stop following them or at least “hide” their updates for a while. Right now, the focus needs to be on you and what you need. And what you don’t need is to be obsessed with what they have going on.
You won’t date. So, how long does it take to get over someone? Eh. Depends on who you ask, but we’ll say this: If you’ve been with someone for more than six months or so, you need at least a couple of months to process and also create a new normal for yourself. On the other hand, if the relationship lasted a year and it’s been at least that long since you’ve even gone on a first date with someone new, yeah, you’re definitely not over your ex. You shouldn’t date someone new to force yourself to get over someone, but you should consider doing it so that you’ll take your focus off of thinking that there’s only one person on the entire planet that you could ever be interested in. The more people you date, the more possibilities you open yourself up to. Remember that.
You are in a “hamster wheel”. If breaking up to make up is basically all that you and your ex do, not only is that emotionally unhealthy, but also a way to stay stuck in something that’s not really getting anywhere. Sometimes we can be so used to patterns that we don’t recognize that what we’re doing is counterproductive; we’re spending a lot of energy in a relational hamster wheel, but we’re not really getting anywhere. Here’s a way to know that you’re in this kind of space: If when someone asks you if you’re seeing someone, you say “Well, it’s kind of complicated”, it’s time to reevaluate why. Relationships shouldn’t be confusing or hard to explain or understand. Either you’re with someone because it’s the right thing for you or you’re not because you deserve better. Settling for anything in between is just that…settling. And if you’re doing it with an ex, you’re definitely not over them. Oh, but you need to be!