Question: If you were to sit down with a professional matchmaker today and they asked you to list five of the most important qualities that you look for in a relationship, what would you say? If “trustworthy” happened to be on the top of your list, you certainly would not be alone. ‘Cause let’s be honest, if a relationship lacks trust, it’s not really much of a relationship at all. Is it?
But sometimes, when a relationship happens to be in its beginning stages, we make it hard for someone to prove that they are trustworthy. It’s not because of anything that they did; it’s because of the people who have hurt or betrayed us in times past. When that happens, our natural inclination is to build up a wall---to make it hard for others to “get in”. Whether deep down we want them to or not.
No matter what someone else has done to not fulfill your expectations, to prove themselves to not be very reliable or to keep you from believing that their words (and actions) are something that you can truly depend on, it’s important to not let that relationship dictate the one that you are currently in. In other words, just because one person is not trustworthy, that doesn’t mean that all people are that way.
Still, we know it is literally a leap of faith to step out and believe in someone again…
So, if you’re wondering how you can deal with any trust issues, here are five tips to keep close:
Forgive. Marianne Williamson once said “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” Lewis B. Smedes once said “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Archbishop Desmond Tutu once said “Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.” What’s amazing about all of these quotes is it shows you what forgiveness does for you. It brings about inner peace. It sets you free. It also opens doors for new beginnings. No matter what someone did to you in the past, don’t keep punishing yourself for it. And don’t let it put up a barrier between you and the next relationship. Forgiveness doesn’t not justify what was done. It simply releases you from being bound by the offense. And the offender.
Heal. Have you ever gone out on a date with someone who seems pretty cynical, if not all out bitter? Oftentimes, what you are seeing, is someone who is still wounded from something going on in their past, if not their present. When someone is still reeling from an issue, they tend to take out their hurt, frustration or disappointment on the people around them. Whether or not they are to blame is irrelevant. And that’s actually really unfortunate. If you recognize any of what we’re saying in yourself, dating is not what you need to be doing right now. At least, not dating other people. “Date yourself” instead by taking some time out to really do some self-reflection so that you can heal your heart. That way, people won’t have to try so hard to convince you that they are worth giving a shot.
Be honest. Although it’s not necessary to bring it up on the first or even the second date, once it’s becoming apparent that there’s real chemistry and compatibility with the new person you are seeing, it’s OK to admit to them that trust is something that you struggle with. That’s not to say that all of the gory details are needed (at least not yet), but it’s fine---recommended even---to mention that you’re a bit fragile in the areas of trust due to some past experiences; that being with someone who says that they mean and means what they say is not only preferable but paramount.
Take “baby” steps. You’re never gonna trust again if you don’t give people the opportunity to deem themselves as being trustworthy. Now, we’re not saying that you should give them the keys to your house. We’re simply recommending that you should watch how they handle little things. Do they call when they say that they will? Do they show up to dates on time? If they tell you that they’ll do something for you, do they follow through or at least give you the heads up that they can’t do it? One of the most beautiful things about trust is that it’s basically as organic as love. It takes time. It requires baby steps. And small victories lead to awesome results!
Don’t expect perfection. If you’re expecting someone to never make mistakes in a relationship, while we hate to be the bearer of bad news, you’d honestly be better off being alone. No one is perfect. This means that there are going to be times when the person you’re seeing doesn’t meet your expectations. That doesn’t mean they’re not a good person. What it does mean, however, is that they are human. So, as you’re working on dealing with your trust issues, just make sure that the bar you’ve set isn’t too high for any person on the entire planet to reach. Trust is about having confidence in someone’s integrity; not demanding that they don’t ever disappoint you. Remember, one of the keys to a successful relationship is to give what you want. You can’t give perfection, but you can be trustworthy. It’s a Golden Rule for a really healthy and lasting connection. Both ways. Good luck!