Love or Manipulation: 5 Signs That You're Being Used in Your Relationship

Yeah. Do you see the picture that we choose for this particular feature? There are a few striking things about it. For one thing, there is nothing worse than being so manipulated, so controlled, that you might as well be a puppet as someone tugs on your heart strings. Secondly, when you find yourself involved with this kind of person, although it might be hard to hear, they usually have a track record of manipulating others. (You are not the only “puppet”.)

But sometimes, when you feel like you’re in love, it can be hard to either 1) tell or 2) accept that the person you’re with doesn’t truly have your best interest at heart. That they are far more interested in how they can use you to their advantage rather than love you in the way that you deserve. And unfortunately, when it comes to the topic of manipulation, sometimes manipulators are so good at what they do that even the top professional matchmakers in the world can miss the signs. After all, manipulation is masked by deception and deceivers are masters at hiding the truth; especially about themselves.

We know. All of this sounds a bit “dark” and “heavy”, but if you don’t get a hold of what the differences between being loved and being manipulated are, heartbreak is what you’re headed for---and we definitely don’t want you to experience that.

That’s why we want to share with you some of the ways to know that you’re being manipulated in a relationship. So that if you are, you can get out. As soon as you possibly can.

You’re doing all of the work. In a relationship, there are going to be times when things are 50-50 and then there are going to be times when it’s more like 70-30. That’s simply because relationships have seasons and during different ones, people tend to have different needs. And sometimes, one needs more from their partner than their partner needs from them. But if you were to tally up your percentages of give vs. take and hands down, you’re doing most of the work (meaning, they are reaping the benefits of being with you without doing much sowing into your life at all), we hate to break it to you…but you are being manipulated. No doubt about it.

They are not truthful. There are a lot of things that relationships need in order to succeed, but three main ones are love, respect and honesty. Without them, you’re never fully sure who you’re with or where you stand. So, if the person you’re seeing doesn’t answer direct questions, continues to “get caught” in lies or you feel like they are holding back, this means they are not being truthful. And that’s probably because there is something that they don’t want you to know; something that will affect the way you see them and the “hold” that they have over you. Yes, something that liars are known for is manipulation.

You don’t feel “free to be”. Here’s a real doozy. A clear indication of a healthy relationship is that you’ll feel not only safe enough to be yourself but highly encouraged to do so. You won’t feel like every time you turn around, the person you’re with is talking about you needing to alter your appearance, explore another career path or change your friends. While healthy relationships do influence the people in it to improve the quality of their lives, what they don’t do is force that to happen, offer up ultimatums if it doesn’t happen or make either person wonder if they are being loved for who they are---or who the object of their affection is trying to make them out to be.

They don’t take ownership for their mistakes. One thing about being in a relationship with someone is they are human. And so are you. This means that they are flawed. And so are you. Here’s the catcher, though. If you’re the only one who finds yourself acknowledging the mistakes that you make, if you’re the one who always says “I’m sorry”, if you’re the one who is made to feel guilty all of the time but meanwhile, they act as if they are never in the wrong, that is another sign of manipulation. When it comes to manipulators, they think that so long as you feel bad, they have the upper hand; one that they can mentally, emotionally and sometimes even spiritually use to their advantage up the road.

Your identity is gone. Last one (although we could go on with this FOREVER). A manipulator takes great joy in wiping someone’s identity away. What you want doesn’t count unless it’s what they want. How you feel is irrelevant if it differs from theirs. What you think is always secondary to their own thoughts. You are not supposed to be an emotional clone of the person you’re with. You are supposed to be your own individual who is simply sharing your life with someone who has their own distinctiveness. If you find yourself saying “I don’t even know who I am anymore” (or others say something to you along the lines of “What? That doesn’t sound like you…” on a consistent basis), you really should consider ending the relationship or at the very least, bringing the issue to their attention and realigning some boundaries. If you opt for the latter, here’s a word of caution, though: Manipulators don’t like boundaries. In fact, they work to find every way possible, no matter how obvious or subtle, to violate them. We just thought we should mention that as you ponder all of this in order to determine if you’re truly in love…or simply being manipulated.

Serial Dating: The Benefits of Seeing More Than One Person

If at first glance, the title of this article throws you off a bit, we get it. From professional matchmakers to personal friends and even relationship blogs, it would seem like everyone wants singles to get out of the casual dating scene; that most folks would prefer that singles court instead of date so that they can end up walking down the aisle towards their own true love---sooner than later.

Look, it’s not like we’re not for that as well. It’s just that we also know that if you’re in a rush to try and “make something happen” either before you or the relationship is ready, it could end up doing you (and the relationship) more harm than good.

That’s why, if you’re just meeting someone for the first time, for the first few dates (and/or few months, whichever comes first), we actually recommend that you remaining open to seeing more than just them.

And what are the benefits that come with taking that particular approach? We’re so glad that you asked.

Seeing more than one person expands your options. One of the benefits that comes with being single is until you enter into an exclusive relationship with someone, you are free to see whomever you wish. Here’s why that’s something worth taking advantage of. By seeing several people at once, you are not limited to dating one kind of individual. You can date several at a time in order to get a feel for what you like and what you don’t. This works in your favor because when people become exclusive too quickly, they have a tendency to focus on all of the “pros” about a person, all the while ignore the “cons”. And when that’s the case, they can force themselves into thinking someone is truly compatible with them…when actually, there might be other folks who are far more suitable.

Seeing more than one person takes the pressure off. If you’re the kind of person who has a tendency to try and make a relationship become too serious too soon, you definitely can benefit from seeing several people. Rather than going on a couple of dates with one person, liking them and then already deciding that they are “the one” before allowing things to develop, you can see multiple people, have a good time and then cautiously and discerningly determine who is really best for you. Because things are a bit “lighter”, you will not put yourself in an emotional rat race to find someone to exclusively be with. And you can always trust your judgment so much better when you’re not…anxious.

Seeing more than one person teaches you more about yourself. What your mother brings out in you is going to be much different than what your boss does. That’s because they are two totally different kinds of relationships. Not only that but they are two totally different kinds of people as well. The same thing applies to dating different people. Being that each one is an individual, they will “tap into” different parts of you. For instance, if one person tends to be more of an intellectual, they will challenge you in that way, while if another is more spontaneous and funny, they will influence you to explore some things that you may not have tried before. Then you can step back and determine for yourself who brings out the best in you, who is encouraging you to grow in some really significant ways---and who doesn’t.

Seeing more than one person helps you to decide what kind of relationship you really want. If after a few weeks of seeing several people you’re like “This is exhausting. I really want to find my soul mate and be done with all of this”, that still means that serial dating worked in your favor. Why? It’s because now you can start pursuing something on a more serious and intentional level, knowing that you won’t be tempted to “veer out” once something long-term is established. You will have seen what’s out there and made a non-hurried decision that you want to be with just one person. Plus, you’ll have a better idea of the kind of person you want them to be. And all of this came from stepping out and doing a bit of serial dating. Yep. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

Unhappy and in Love: 6 Signs That You Have Toxic Relationship Patterns

If there’s one question that all professional matchmakers should ask their clients during their first interview is if they know of someone or feel like they have a tendency to be a love addict.

Sure initially that line of questioning might sound a bit “odd”. After all, if you’re “addicted to love”, being that love is such a powerful and beautiful experience, that must be a good thing, right? Well…here’s something worth considering. As a wise man once said, the excess of a virtue can also be a vice. Meaning, anything done---or sought after---in excess can also become problematic.

So, how can you know for certain that you are a love addict? Here are a few telling signs:

You fall in love very easily and too quickly.

Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.

More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.

You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.

Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.

In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.

More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.

You can read even more signs (40, to be exact) by clicking here. The reason why we felt they were important to share is because if you’re not clear about the motives behind why you’re looking to be in a relationship, you could find yourself going into one for the wrong reasons or you keep attracting the wrong kind of person, all of these are symptomatic of being in a toxic (poisonous) relationship.

Here are some other telling warning signs:

You break up over and over again. Pretty much all of us know of someone who just can’t seem to shake off their ex. Although in rare instances, it’s because the relationship is meant to be and the challenges have been more about poor timing or the need for trust to be established, this is usually the exception and not the rule. Usually couples break up because things are not working. If you keep getting back together, oftentimes that’s an indication of fear of being alone, being afraid to move forward or being hung up on the few good things in the relationship that you overlook all of the ones that…aren’t so good.

You’re unhappy more than happy. One thing that comes with a healthy relationship is both individuals will feel as if they are thriving as a result of being with one another. That’s because when your relationship is working to your benefit, you will have the support, encouragement and commitment of someone who truly wants to see you succeed. On the other hand, when a relationship is unhealthy, it tends to be more about them, you won’t feel like you’re totally accepted and that will result in arguments, emotional pain and feelings of inadequacy. Long story short, if you’re crying more than you’re smiling in your relationship, there’s no way to dance around it. Something is definitely not right.

You rely too much on sex to be “the glue”. One of challenges that comes with having sex too soon in a relationship is you find yourself coming off of the euphoria of the physical intimacy without being sure if there really is an emotional attachment there. And sometimes, this means all you and the other person really have in common is the sex. But because you enjoy it so much, you tend to overlook the blaring red flags that are telling you that you don’t really have much else in common. Although one of the most popular ways to define a sexual experience is “make love”, the reality is that love should be able to exist without sex; that sex is simply one way to express love. Bottom line, if sex is all that you and “yours” have going for y’all, it’s not much. Talk about it first. And nothing much materializes, consider that it just might be time to let the “relationship” go.

You are always changing yourself. If you’re someone who knows that you battle with self-esteem issues, then this is a point that you should definitely keep on your radar. While it’s not uncommon to change, in the sense of growing, while you’re in a relationship, here are two things to keep in mind: 1) in a healthy relationship, you will not feel pressured to change; it will come as a natural evolution on your own terms and 2) it also will not come as the result of not feeling as if your partner doesn’t like you just the way you are. If you’re always trying to alter your personality or appearance to appease the one you’re with, they are controlling and you are being manipulated. And both of those things point to toxicity. You deserve something better. And healthier.

You can’t remember the last time that you were single. Being single is nothing to be ashamed of. There are actually a lot of benefits that come with having time alone to focus on yourself, your needs and your dreams and goals. If you’re the type of individual who can’t really attest to this fact because you’re always in a relationship, that can also be a toxic thing. Being in a relationship because it enhances your life is one thing. However, being in a relationship because you hate being alone is something entirely different. If you can identify with this, take out some time to take care of you. By doing that, you might discover that you’ll develop the tools that you need in order to break all other toxic relationship patterns.

Living for the Fairy Tale: Knowing What's Real and What's Fantasy About Love

If you’re anything like us, then you probably remember growing up and watching at least a couple of fairy tales. So, here’s a pop quiz question: What’s one thing that virtually all of them had in common? Whether it was Cinderella or Snow White (or some other princess), they would fall in love, get married and as the movie came to an end, you would see the words “And they lived happily ever after.”

Being that we haven’t gotten updates on these women and their husbands, we can only assume that their marriages lasted (here’s hoping!). However, to watch a scripted film and then expect real life to be exactly like what you saw on the screen is not only unrealistic, but unfair to the person that you’re dating.

Even if you are set up by a professional matchmaker who presents to you an amazing profile of a potential dating candidate, people are not perfection prototypes; they are human beings. This means that they are going to come with their own weaknesses and flaws…just as you do.

So, how can you know if you’re the kind of person who has the tendency to live for the fairy tale (the Hollywood hype) rather than in reality when it comes to love, matters of the heart and relationships? Although this kind of answer deserves about 10 blogs all on its own, here are a few points to definitely keep in mind:

Know what the literal definition of a fairytale is. OK, so here’s another question: When’s the last time that you’ve opened up a dictionary and looked up the definitions for the word “fairy tale”? It just might trip you out. We say that because according to Dictionary, one definition is “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” while another is “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief”. Fairy tales are for children. Fairy tales have the potential to mislead you.  So, if you’re someone who is known for saying “I live for the fairytale”, these definitions are definitely something to keep in mind!

Revisit your standards for a Prince Charming or Princess. It’s one thing to want to be in a relationship with a good person. It’s another thing to decide that if someone doesn’t have everything that you want on your 50-point checklist that they aren’t worth your time. There are a lot of people who missed out on the potential of a really great relationship because they are constantly on the search for “love at first sight”, which tends to be the exception and not the rule when it comes to dating. Just think about it. How many princes and princesses do you personally know? So, why would you expect the person you’re going out with to be one? People need to be seen and treated and accepted as individuals; not some kind of fantasized ideal.

Remember that love is awesome. It’s also a lot of hard work too. In the article “5 Things Girlfriends Should Stop Doing After Becoming Wives”, the author shared this very relevant point: “They expect a fairy tale. Your married life is not going to be a ‘happy ever after’! Expecting that you and your husband will have a dream house, where he will help you plant daisies in the garden is childish. As a married couple, you both will have to face problems and you both will have fights and make compromises, etc. Always remember, you are getting married, not shifting to another universe. You both have to work towards your ‘happily ever after’, and that can only happen with love, respect and a few compromises from both sides.” So true, so true…so true! Love is a choice. A choice that requires putting time, effort and energy into it. Daily.

You both have lives. And responsibilities too. If you’re not careful, being caught up in the fairytale will have you believing that your significant other should constantly be at your beck and call. But the reality is you have a job and so do they. You have a family and so do they. You have friends, interests and responsibilities. So do they. When you’re living in the reality of a relationship, you accept the fact that while the person you’re with is supposed to be supportive and encouraging, they also are individuals who need to focus on other life demands. They are to bring something very special to your life. At the same time, they are not to be your everything, though.

They do not complete you. If there is one movie line that continues to be at the forefront of the minds and hearts of so many romantics worldwide, it would have to be when Tom Cruise’s character said “You complete me” in the movie Jerry Maguire. And while that is certainly a super sweet sentiment, here’s the “challenge” with it. Doesn’t it imply that before you met your significant other that you were incomplete? A healthy relationship doesn’t consist of two broken people who are expecting the person they are with to fill all of their voids. A healthy relationship is more about two individuals who were working to be their best selves before they got together and then realized that their relationship simply adds to their already fulfilling lives. It’s a fantasy---and a lot of pressure---to expect someone to complete you. In the real world, love is about embracing that the love experience helps to make your already complete life…that much more satisfying. And accepting that is what can truly lead you on the path towards…happily ever after. In real life!

Not Ready for Sex? Here's How to Be Affectionate in the Meantime

If you’re the kind of person who, when it comes to relationships, would prefer to take sex slow, no matter how much pop culture may want to think that it’s antiquated and even a bit ridiculous and unnecessary to take that approach, we actually celebrate your personal stance. And conviction.

In fact, we recently read an article on Psychology Today entitled “Take It Slow If You Want Your Relationship to Last” that provided this awesome food for thought. And confirmation:

Falling head over heels in love means, to many couples, having sex as soon as possible. The rush of infatuation leads people to take the next steps in their relationship without looking objectively at the odds of the relationship succeeding. Before they know it, they’re making plans to move in together. Unfortunately, many of these hurried unions lead to disappointment as the relationships falls apart before it’s even had time to take shape. The breakup takes its emotional, if not financial, toll on both partners. Ever hopeful that the next time will be better, however, many people find themselves almost instantly in a new and similarly passionate relationship. Chaotic and impulsive these series of entries and exits into relationships, called “churning,” take their toll. Relationships that form under these circumstances, should they lead to marriage, are more likely to suffer in terms of quality.

Whether you receive counsel on relationships from a professional matchmaker or close friend, when it comes to this particular topic, one thing that they are going to probably tell you is that there is a fine line between “proceeding with caution” and “having a total physical disconnect”. In other words, just because you may not be ready for sexual intimacy, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be intentional about finding other ways to cultivate affection, even in the beginning stages of a relationship.

So, what are some of the ways that you can effectively and safely do that?

Here are three great tips:

Be verbally affectionate. Although there are technically five different primary love languages (Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gifts), pretty much everyone enjoys being complimented and verbally affirmed. Whether it’s a text in the middle of the day to tell the person you’re dating that you think they’re special or it’s letting them know how attractive they look the next time the two of you are together, speaking positively into their life helps to make them feel good about themselves, more secure within the relationship and as a result, closer to you. Without a single touch.

Be emotionally affectionate. One of the reasons why it’s always a good idea to focus on building a friendship before doing anything else is, aside from the fact that it gives the both of you time to get to know each other a bit better (including when it comes to one another’s sexual history), it can help to establish a profound emotional connection. That’s because friends are able to share past stories, present goals and future desires. Friends are able to also share secrets and personal vulnerabilities. As a direct result of all of these things, a mutual trust is established which helps to bring about a deep emotional connection. By letting someone know that you care about them and want to get closer to them, emotionally, that is one of the best ways to become more emotionally affectionate.

Be physically affectionate. One definition of affectionate is “a feeling of fondness or tenderness for a person or thing; attachment”. Tender is a very sweet word because it means “delicate, soft, or gentle” and “easily moved to sympathy or compassion; kind”. A kiss on the cheek or forehead. Cuddling up during a movie. Holding hands. All of these are wonderful ways to be physically affectionate without being sexual. And here’s something that just might surprise you. In the article “5 Surprising Benefits Of Holding Hands For Married Couples”, some of the benefits include the fact that holding hands helps to reduce stress levels and also helps to trigger the hormone oxytocin---a hormone that is scientifically proven to help two people to bond to one another more.

So as you can see, if you are the one who tends to see sex as “icing” and not the entire “cake”, there are so many advantages that come from choosing to be affectionate first and sexual later. In fact, it can make the sexual intimacy that much better---once the two of you decide that you are ready. So take your time. As they say “slow and steady wins the race”. Even when it comes to waiting before having a sexual relationship.

Is It Love or Lust? 5 Ways to Know the Difference

There are very few things in life that are as exciting, euphoric even, as the beginning stages of a relationship. The experiences are new, the feelings are high and when it seems like there’s a real future in store, truly it’s all a thrill.

But here’s the challenge: Sometimes, when emotions are at their peak, it can be hard to know if the relationship is based on love---or lust. And if you don’t make the time to discern the differences between the two, you can find yourself in a situation that could fizzle out just as quickly as the sparks began.

So, whether you were recently paired up with someone by a professional matchmaker or even a close friend and every instinct inside of you believes that you’ve met “the one”, take out a few minutes (five, tops) to read some of the differences between being in love and well, being in lust.

Love is clear. Lust is abstract. Someone once said that when a person really loves you, out of all of the things that you will feel, one of them will not be confused. That’s some real wisdom right there. If you’re on the way to falling in love, you’re going to know it. Hands down, no question. And if the person you’re seeing is in the process of falling in love with you, guess what? They are going to feel the exact same way. You both are going to say how you feel, what you want and your actions are going to back it all up. On the other hand, nothing about lust is certain or sure. It will be hard to describe the relationship to your friends, there will be aspects of it that you’re not the most confident about and if you’re not careful, you could find yourself caught up in quite a bit of disillusionment. It will feel one way or day and feel like something else the next.

Love reveals the real you. Lust puts on a façade. When you’re caught up in the feelings of lust, there is usually a tendency to put on a bit of a show. By that we mean that on every date, you’re focused on looking impeccable and saying all of the right things. Why? Because whatever initially drew the person to you, you want to make sure that you maintain that “level of perfection” so that they will remain interested. On the other hand, when love is on the horizon, you are far more interested in them knowing who you truly are. That way, if you decide to get serious at some point, you can trust that it’s based on the good parts and not-so-perfect parts of your individuality. That they know the real you.

Love is patient. Lust isn’t. When there is a strong attraction between two people, there can be a temptation to want to express that in a physical way very quickly. That’s basically our tactful way of saying that a physical interest can lead to sexual desire, which can sometimes result in people having sex way too soon. That’s because when you’re in lust, the mentality tends to be “act first, think later”. On the other hand, when love is brewing, both people usually want to take things a bit slower; to develop a friendship so that the intimacy can be based on a firm foundation.

Love makes plans. Lust “wings it”. One of the awesome things about true love is that it doesn’t simply “live in the moment”. In other words, it’s so engrossed in the object of its affection that it wants to do all that it can to nurture it so that it will last. Lust? It doesn’t too much care one way or another. So long as its needs are being met at moment, that’s all it’s happy about. The problem with that is it can lead to quite a bit of instability. If you want something that is smooth sailing, look for the kind of person who is factoring you into their future. If you want to be on a real emotional roller coaster ride, lust is definitely going to be your ticket. Be careful, though. One way or another, it’s guaranteed to make you heartsick. Which brings us to our final point.

Love is healthy. Lust? Eh. Not so much. Being that one definition of lust is “an intense sexual desire”, we’re not out to make all lust bad. We’re simply saying that it’s not what the core of a relationship should be built upon. In other words, love is something that focused on the health and well-being of your mind, body and spirit. And that’s both awesome as well as healthy. Lust? Pretty much your body is all that’s on its menu. Bottom line, there’s a whole lot more to you than your body parts. You deserve to be with someone who will love you first. Lust you second. Anything less is…settling. For so much less. Than YOU deserve.

So in Love: 5 Habits of Happy (and Committed) Couples

Whether it’s your grandparents who’ve been married for over 50 years or your best friend whose face seems to light up every time they see their significant other, have you ever sat and wondered what the real keys to success are when it comes to their relationship?  

Of course, you probably know the “Hallmark version”. That all relationships require things like love, respect and loyalty. But honestly, there are a lot of people who are in the process of going through a divorce or a break-up who started out with those very things. And still, something went awry.

Being in love is one thing. Staying in love is something entirely different.

In order to make a relationship go the distance, there has to be more than emotions and intentions involved. There needs to be real habits that are put into practice; ones that you can’t quickly learn from a professional matchmaker or that you can pick up from a Cosmo article, try for a couple of weeks, and quit. No, in order to be in the kind of happy and committed relationship that you’ve always dreamed of, there are some things that you’re going to have to choose to do, consistently.

Here are five of ‘em.

They are work on building a really strong friendship. Any relationship book, article or blog that’s worth its salt is going to mention that a relationship that’s based on a true friendship is the best kind that anyone can have. There are several reasons why. Friends are open with one another. Friends can trust one another. Friends like one another. And honestly, it’s during the tough times when “like” will take you a long way. Why? Because you’ll be able to use what you have in common, your senses of humor and your devotion and affection towards one another to get you through the tough times. This is why happy and committed couples are always making sure that they are growing as friends…that they are doing what is needed to become the absolute best of friends.

They make time for one another. Happy and committed couples don’t just “have time”, they make it. Honestly, this runs the gamut. They make sure to connect by phone, text and/or email on a daily basis. They plan dates ahead of time. They make sure that they are emotionally “on call” for one another. In short, they do all that they can to let each other know that they are a priority in each other’s lives. Days don’t go by without communicating. Weeks don’t go by without seeing one another (even if it’s long distance, they Skype and budget to take trips). They are mutually invested. And one of their main investments is time.

They work on being holistically intimate. There’s no way to get around the fact that sex is an important part of a relationship. At the same time, happy and committed couples know that it takes a lot more than that to become truly intimate with one another. They are aware that emotional intimacy and a mental and spiritual connection are paramount too. That’s why they make sure that they communicate well. They seek to meet each other’s emotional needs. And if there are problems that arise, they strive, together, to get them resolved just as soon as possible. Happy and committed couples understand how powerful their connection is. They have absolutely no desire in allowing things to get in the way of it. Especially things that they can control.

They are each other’s cheerleaders. If you were to get a roomful of individuals who’ve cheated on their companions before and you asked them why they did it, you might be surprised by the amount who will say that they didn’t feel encouragement or support from their partner. Truly, there is nothing like feeling as if you are celebrated in the world, only to come home and be nagged, nitpicked or made to feel like you’re never really good enough or are doing enough. Happy and committed couples know that if anyone should be in their significant other’s corner, telling them that they are awesome and that, for them, the sky is the limit, they should be the first in line.

They leave the past in the past. Hopefully, it’s a given that happy and committed couples leave their love lives with others in the past. Actually, what we mean by this is that they leave the mistakes, arguments and issues that occur within their relationship with one another behind them. In other words, happy and committed couples know that 1) neither of them is perfect which means that 2) they have to be willing to forgive. In fact, couples who are quick to pardon one another’s offenses are couples who tend to stay together, happily so, for a very, very long time. It makes sense too because a person who can ask for forgiveness shows signs of true humility and a person who can forgive shows signs of great strength. Both of which are keys to a truly happy and committed relationship!

Dating the Old-Fashioned Way: 6 Things We All Should Still Do

Although there are some people who tend to use the word “old-fashioned” as if it’s a bad thing, we couldn’t disagree more. In a time where things are ever-shifting, culturally, it’s nice to keep some traditions around---some values that can help people to feel good about themselves. This is especially the case when it comes to dating.

No, we’re not saying that every man has to open up a restaurant door or that every woman should wait for a guy to ask her out. At the same time, there are some things about how our grandparents used to date that should still at least be considered. Because from where we sit, some of the “old-fashioned things” were actually quite romantic and ultimately helped to set the foundation for a lot of healthy, happy and committed relationships. (Just ask your grandparents.)

Plan some old-fashioned dates. Say that you hired a professional matchmaker to help you to find a date. If you were to share with them that you were looking to have an old-fashioned experience, they would probably be all over it! There is something to be said about going dancing, having dinner and then desert at an old-fashioned ice cream parlor or even going to the fair. Yep, one of the best things about old-fashioned dates is that it’s not about “getting physical”. It’s about creating an atmosphere where you and your date can simply get to know each other better.

Dress up. You know what they say about first impressions, right? So, why wouldn’t you want to “wow” someone on your first (and second and third) date? Sure, you need to dress in a way that fits the date that you have planned, but try to veer away from T-shirts and jeans every single time (especially the first time!). If you’ve got a nice suit or show-stopping dress, a date is the perfect time to pull it out and put it on!

Fellas, be chivalrous. Personally, we don’t know too many women who would throw a fit about a man coming to her door with flowers or opening up the car door so that she can get in (yeah, please don’t sit in her driveway and honk incessantly). Chivalry is a sign of romance and that always puts a smile (and blush) on a woman’s face. At the same time ladies, it’s a wise man who once said that chivalry is not dead; it simply went wherever being ladylike went. Being kind and appreciative when you see a man making these types of efforts is more than appropriate too.

Be technology-free. It would be nice if this particular rule could go without saying but…it must go on record. Having a smartphone is basically a way of life now. We totally get that. But what could possibly be so important that you can’t set your ringer to vibrate and you can’t turn off your social media notifications? Your date deserves your undivided attention. One of the best ways to demonstrate that you agree is to go on your date, technology-free.

Flirt. Ah, the art of flirting. By this, we don’t mean making crass sex jokes or gawking at one another’s body parts the entire night. We mean giving each other sincere compliments, winking an eye a time or two and “accidently” bumping your hands into each other’s. Flirting is also about sending a sweet text following the date. No doubt about it, flirting can be fun when it’s “above board”. When it’s subtle and not too aggressive or overt.

Follow-up. If after your first date, you realize that you are in no way interested, that’s one thing. And honestly, even then, you should still send a text saying that you appreciated meeting your date. But if you would like to see them again, we wrote an entire article on follow-up etiquette (you can read it here). The “cliff note version” is basically to follow-up, no later than the following morning with a text or call, express how much you enjoyed spending time with them and ask if they would be interested in going out again. If they would, ask them about what they enjoy doing. Showing that you are truly interested will help to put them at ease and set a really warm and comfortable tone…which a really great foundation for a dating relationship. One that now has a few special old-fashioned elements to it.

Sex Too Soon. What to Do If You Have Regrets.

One night stands. Although truly nothing is new under the sun, there are some things that, up until the past couple of decades, were considered to be taboo. Having sex with someone you just met only to never see them again (which technically constitutes as a one night stand) or having sex on the first date are two things that easily fell into this category.

But as casual sex has become more accepted (and some might even say encouraged) in pop culture and technology, “thanks” to apps like Good to Go, Luxy and Hinge (oh, and Tinder which claims to not be a “sex app” but c’mon, we all know what the deal is!) that have made it easier to connect with people, more folks are finding themselves becoming physically involved, perhaps easier or sooner than they initially planned.

No matter what, because there are still STDs in existence, whether you are set up through a professional matchmaker or you meet someone at a grocery store or the gym, it’s important that you take care of your physical health. You can do that first by getting to know at least a few facts about the person’s sexual history.  

But what happens if you’re not typically keen on casual sex, you go out on a date, sparks fly and you do find yourself in bed with them far sooner than you initially planned? Do you run out the door? Do you hide your head in shame? Is the relationship on the way to being not much more than a glorified booty call?

Here are some helpful tips for what to do if you have regrets---after having sex too soon.

Say it. For the record, there’s nothing worse than engaging in consensual sex with another person and then making them feel guilty about it. So, what we mean by “say it” is not that you should accuse them of somehow taking advantage of you or the moment five minutes after the experience is over. What we mean is (probably the next day) mention that because you really like them and you see some true potential there, you don’t want to make the mistake of only focusing on the physical aspect of the relationship; that you don’t regret the sex so much as the timing and so you’d like to take a few steps back.

Get their thoughts. Without hearing exactly where they are coming from, it’s going to be unfair to assume that 1) they regret sleeping with you as well; 2) they only wanted you for sex or 3) they don’t have some things that they’d like to share on the topic too. So, after you say what you need to, open up the floor for them to talk about what they think about what transpired. Although some things might be awkward to hear, it’s better to know the truth as soon as possible. That way, you’ll know whether you’re both on the same page. Or not.

Come up with a plan. Once you both have expressed your feelings, if you come to the decision that you’d still like to see each other, come up with a plan for investing into the non-physical side of the evolving relationship. Plan dates that are outside of each other’s homes (in order to avoid the temptation to “fall into a sex routine”). Hold some conversations that will help you both to see if there’s more than just a strong physical attraction there. Come up with an amount of time that both of you can agree upon to wait until exploring another sexual excursion.

If there is more between the two of you than just sex, you’ll both be willing to stick around and put in the effort to see. On the other hand, if they start to fade off into the sunset (so-to-speak), don’t beat yourself up with guilt. Life is about living and learning. Just make sure that next time, you’ll wait until you’re absolutely sure that sex is something that you want to do. And the best way to know…is to wait. At least past the first few (3-5 dates).

True Fulfillment: 6 Things Every Relationship Needs

Say that you were to sit down with a professional matchmaker today to talk about all of what you’re looking for in a relationship. There’s a pretty good possibility that what you’ll list are the things that you want. But the reality is that for any relationship to grow and last, it’s actually more important to know what you need.

While great looks, a sense of humor and a mutual chemistry are always great, if you’re looking for something beyond a casual dating situation, there are some foundational elements that you must put on the top of your dating priority list as well. Things that will help your relationship to truly go the distance.

And just what are those exactly? Here are the six that immediately come to mind:

Love. This one is probably pretty obvious because of course every relationship needs love! But for the record, love is not just about getting butterflies in your stomach when you see the one you adore. Love is having a deep affection and a profound attachment to them. It’s about caring for them so deeply that their concerns become your own. It’s about doing whatever you can to assist in making them their best possible self. It’s about being lovers, but also being really close friends too.

Respect. No relationship can survive without respect. Respect for each other’s individuality. Respect for each other’s boundaries. Respect for each other’s goals and ambitions. When you respect someone, it’s basically about treating them in the way that you would want to be treated in return. It’s about giving them a sense of dignity, speaking to them in a way that shows that you appreciate them being in your life and esteeming them so that they know that, to you, they are truly special and valuable.

Patience. Sadly, there are a lot of relationships that show great potential, but are not able to go the distance due to a lack of this one thing. Patience is not just about having the ability to wait on someone when they’re running late. No, it is far deeper than that. A dictionary definition of the word is “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like”. In a nutshell, patience is knowing and accepting the fact that no one is perfect and then dealing with their flaws and shortcomings as they come. (And they will come.)

Consistency. Ever heard the quote “No snowflake wants to take the blame for the avalanche”? Well, if there is a little thing that can become a huge problem in a relationship, a lack of consistency goes on the very top of our list! Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who start off being attentive, romantic and giving in their relationships, but as they get more comfortable, with that comes a level of laziness. Suddenly, all of the time, effort and energy that they initially put in is now hit-or-miss. One of the reasons why consistency in a relationship is so important is because it helps to establish trust between both people---and all relationships need that. So yes, consistency leads to trust and trust leads to a really healthy union between you and yours. Why? Because both of you know that who you met is not suddenly going to switch up on you and become someone else. And that’s a really comforting feeling.

Commitment. If the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of the word “commitment” is “loyalty”, we get that. But we mean something more when we use the word. The reason why we consider commitment to be a relationship need is because it’s what helps to bring forth clarity when it comes to what both individuals can and should expect, which helps to ultimately brings about stability. If you’re in a committed relationship then you don’t have to wonder where things stand. They are into you, you are into them and you’re both working together to cultivate something bigger and stronger. Which brings us to the final point.

Plans. Far too many couples basically find themselves stuck in a rut due to the fact that they fail to make plans for the future. We don’t mean plans to go to dinner and a movie next weekend. We mean plans for the relationship. It’s always a good idea to “check in” every few months to see if both people are happy (“fulfilled” is an even better word), if things are heading in the right direction and what needs to be done to insure that the relationship continues to thrive. Yep. A couple who plans is a couple who is intentional about making their relationship work. And with that kind of mindset, only good can come from it in the days, weeks and months to come!

Self-Doubt: 5 Insecurities That Can Ruin Your Relationship

Oftentimes, when we read articles about relationships gone wrong, they tend to touch on what to do if someone you’re seeing does something to you: lie, cheat, manipulate, etc. And while those kinds of write-ups can certainly be helpful when it comes to providing you with tips on how to avoid being (or staying) in a toxic relationship, in this particular article, we wanted to talk about matters of the heart from another angle. Things that you can do, sometimes without even knowing it, that can ultimately be the demise of your union.

And just what are those things? Insecurities.

Yep. Even if a professional matchmaker sets you up with the best person (for you) on the entire planet, the first couple of dates go well and you sense that you’re not just mutually attracted but truly compatible with one another, if you happen to battle with deep-rooted feelings of inferiority, that can put quite a bit of pressure and strain onto the person you’re with, as well as the relationship.

So, what are the insecurities that tend to do the greatest amount of damage?

Here are the ones that go on the very top of our list.

Not feeling attractive. One thing that is not the job of another is to make you feel good about yourself. Sure, they can tell you that you’re beautiful or handsome or that you look really nice on a date. But if you want to be in a relationship because you don’t find yourself attractive and you want someone to compensate for that, not only is it unfair to them, but it can end up being quite burdensome for them too. That’s because not liking the physical part of you is a pretty big void; one that no one person can fill. So, if that’s where you are right now, spend some time pampering yourself. Go to a spa. Get a new haircut. Pick out a new wardrobe. Lose some weight (if you really need to). Work on you. That way, once you’re actually in a relationship, they won’t feel like being with you is, well, a lot of work.

Jealousy. Basically, jealousy stems from a place of suspicion or envy. For example, you might not want who you’re seeing to be friends with the opposite sex because you suspect that it might turn into something more than a platonic situation. Or, you don’t like the person you’re seeing to talk to people who you feel look better or have more to offer than you. One of the things that a lot people miss when it comes to jealousy is they usually had issues in this area long before they ever met the person that they’re with. And usually it’s because either they haven’t forgiven someone who’s hurt them before or they don’t feel like they have enough to offer to keep the person they’re seeing focused on them and the relationship. Either way, when your insecurity is jealousy, there’s not enough someone else can do to reassure you that they’re happy with you and not interested in anyone else. It’s something that you have to worth through from the inside out.

Fear. Have you ever heard this acronym for fear: False Evidence Appearing Real? Some people are so afraid that the love they’ve found won’t last that they end up holding on so tight that it basically suffocates the other person, ultimately pushing (if not flat-out driving) them away. If you’ve been abandoned or neglected in a relationship before, the fear that may be tempted to rise up in you is certainly understandable. But do what you can to not let it overtake you. Talk it out with friends. Even see counselor if you think that would help. No one should feel terrified to love. And no one should feel scared to love someone who has fear issues either.

Comparing. It’s going to be very rare (VERY RARE) to find someone who has never been in a relationship with someone else before you came along. So yes, basically everyone has a past---one that has other people in it. Secure individuals focus on the present. Insecure people relive the past over and over and over again. And unfortunately, for folks who deal with a comparing insecurity, with basic information, they have social media to track down people’s other relationships. Comparing yourself to someone’s ex or past dates isn’t going to make you feel any better. Plus, if they find out that you’ve been snooping around, it will translate as you don’t trust them. Bottom line, if they still wanted to be with their ex, they would be. Besides, comparing yourself is a lot like a trick mirror. It doesn’t present the actual picture of yourself or your relationship. Or their past ones either.

Possessiveness. Love is not something that should be forced. That said, no one you’re with is a piece of property. Therefore, it’s important to always remember that they are with you because they are choosing to be. This means that they should be given the freedom, by you, to feel that way. Wanting to know their every move, wanting passwords and pass codes to the electronic devices, demanding to spend every possible hour with them sounds more like a prison than an actual relationship. Yep. Possessiveness is another sign of insecurity so, don’t squeeze so tight that the person you’re with can’t breathe. Instead, love them and yourself enough to give them space when they need it. So that they’ll come to you on their own…without your pressure or possessiveness.

Dates Revealed: 6 Different Dates That Will Show You Things About Your Relationship

If your guilty pleasure is watching The Bachelor (or Bachelorette) and a part of the reason is because you secretly fantasize about going on extravagant dates, you don’t have to go out on a casting call in order to make that happen. There are actually affordable and professional matchmaking companies that will not only create a date of your dreams, but with a person that you won’t have to share with a bunch of other people. One of those companies happens to be Tawkify. Check ‘em out when you get a chance.

Then, once you connect with someone that you feel you’d like to get to know better, we recommend that you take this article into serious consideration. Since going on dates is all about getting to know someone better, we think it’s always a good idea to go on several different kinds. Sure, restaurants are cool; they’re top on our list, actually. But it’s been our experience that different settings can bring about different sides of an individual’s personality.

So, what should be the top dates on your list? Here are our six recommendations:

Restaurant. Restaurants are a good idea, especially for the first or second date, for a few reasons. One, it’s public enough for you to feel safe while also being intimate enough to engage in conversation. Two, you can learn a lot about their manners and etiquette; not just when it comes to what they do at the table but also how they treat the wait staff. It’s also a non-pressuring way to start to find out some of their personal likes and dislikes. Hey, we’ve all got to eat, right? Food tends to reveal a lot about a person.

Movies. Some people don’t like the thought of going to movies on a date because they feel that it’s not conducive to being able to spend any quality time. After all, you’re supposed to be so quiet in the movies that even your smartphone should be turned off. The reason why we like it, though, is because it’s a great way to find out how your date is when it comes to being intimate and especially giving public displays of affection. For the record, this is also why we don’t think it’s the best kind of first date. You don’t know them well enough to be intimate yet. But after three or so dates, if you feel like you want to kiss or cuddle, movie theaters are the best kind of set up.

Concert. Here’s another way to find out what makes them tick and what doesn’t. Musical tastes also reveal a lot about a person. Plus, if you like who you’re seeing so much that you want to introduce them to a family member or a few friends, this is a casual way to do it without them feeling like the spotlight is awkwardly on them. Also, live concerts are a lot of fun, so you’ll get to see if they have a “fancy-free” side to them. (Always a bonus!)

Outdoor date. OK, this particular suggestion pretty much runs the gamut because of all of the good reasons why it’s wise to go on an outdoor date. Take a picnic, for example. Being that they aren’t super-expensive, anyone who is down for one tends to give the impression that spending time with you is more important than how much money a date costs. Plus, it’s definitely in the Top Ten in the romance department. Then there’s going hiking or bike riding. If you’re big on physical fitness, this is a good way to find out if you’re both compatible in this area. And kayaking, parasailing, zip-lining, paddle boarding, etc.? This reveals the spontaneous and semi-daring side of someone. If that’s important to you, definitely suggest one of these types of activities. Trust us, it will reveal…a lot. Before, during and after the date is over!

Coffee shop. You need to feel like the person you’re with is someone with whom conversation simply and easily flows. What better way to discover that than in a coffee shop? One of the best things about this kind of date is coffee shops tend to be a lot more “chilled out” when it comes to how long people wish to stay there. So long as you order something to warm to drink and perhaps a pastry, you can sit across from each other for hours on end if you want. And during that time, discover so much about one another.

Road Trip. If you’re someone who thinks that road trips should be reserved for more serious---perhaps exclusive---relationships, we totally respect that. At the same time, we’re all for couples going on a road trip after around the fifth date, even if it’s only a day trip. Spending hours together in a car forces you to see how you handle things like traffic, getting lost and traveling to new destinations. Yeah, two people who think they are headed down Lover’s Lane should definitely (DEFINITELY) take a road trip!

Camping. Nothing really brings out someone’s survival skills, and sometimes not-so-sunny disposition, like camping does. For instance, if it rains the first day or so, you’ll see how your date handles disappointment. Plus, being that camping calls for more of a “rustic” approach to life, you can also see their not-so-glamorous side which is a good thing. If they are willing to reveal their natural state, you will get to know more about their real selves. And from that, a true relationship can begin. All from camping? Yep. We’ve see it happen time and time again!

Friend or Foe? Is Your Best Friend Helping or Hurting Your Relationship?

Today, I marry my best friend.

If you’ve been to at least 10 weddings in your lifetime, you’ve probably heard a couple say that during their wedding ceremony or it might’ve even been printed up on their wedding program. We like it, not only because it’s such a sweet sentiment, but because when two people make the decision to spend the rest of their lives together, ideally, it’s awesome if they do marry their best friend.

For one thing, that shows signs of the relationship being healthy in many ways. And when a relationship is on a solid footing, a couple really can endure the good times and the bad.

But before a relationship can get to the point and place where both people trust one another more than anyone else on the planet, they each usually have another best friend. Someone who knew them before they ever met the person they are seeing.

If you’re currently in a relationship right now, you think it has real potential and you also have a best friend, you’re going to need your friend’s encouragement and support. Just to make sure that you’re getting it, here are some clear signs that they are actually not helping you when it comes to your love life; instead, they’re hurting it.

They are hypercritical. Say that you met the person you’re seeing through a professional matchmaking company. Even your matchmaker would advise that during the beginning stages of your relationship, you would be open yet cautious. However, it’s one thing to be careful. It’s another thing to be so critical of the person you’re in a relationship that they feel they can’t do anything right. If your best friend sees some potential red flags, you should take note. But if everything they have to say is negative, be a bit leery of that. A good friend is going to want you to find true love, which means they are going to be positive throughout the process. Besides, being critical often is about jealousy or possessiveness more than anything else (ugh). Which brings us to #2.

They are jealous. Although it would be awesome if there was no envy in the world, especially between best friends, sometimes it happens. And one of the times when the green-eyed monster tends to show up is when one friend is single while the other is dating. So, how can you know if your own best friend falls into this category? Good question. Look for things like them not being happy for you, giving backhanded compliments about your relationship (“They’re awesome, if you like that sort of thing.”) or avoiding you altogether (suddenly not returning calls, etc.). In short, look for indications that they are actually making the relationship more about them than you. About you needing to give them attention rather than them being a cheerleader for your love life.

They’re all up in the relationship. Yeah, this one right here is the absolute worst. After the first few dates, if you want to introduce your date to your best friend, that’s fine. On some levels, it’s even encouraged because that way, you can get an “outside perspective” on the situation. But if you’re realizing that they’re suddenly following your date online, wanting to hang out with the both of you all of the time or suggesting that they spend more time together with them in order to cultivate their own relationship…pump the brakes! Knowing the person you’re seeing is cool. Trying to be the third wheel? Not so cool. Even if you share everything, the person you’re dating should be off limits. Not just physically but emotionally too.

They talk too much. One of the wonderful things about having a best friend is you have someone you can tell anything to: your secrets, your fears, your insecurities…everything. But here’s the thing about that: Another great thing about best friends is that they keep your business to themselves. Unless you’re in some sort of danger (and if you are, you need to get out of the relationship pronto!), there is absolutely no reason or justification for why your best friend should be sharing your news with other people---family and mutual friends included. Not only is it a direct boundaries violation, but it could set up the person you’re with to be unfairly judged, pressured or even flat-out humiliated.

They make comparisons. Best friends are close but they are still individuals. This means that it’s OK to have different tastes in people. So watch it if your friend tries to make you second-guess your own judgment just because they might not find the one you’re dating to be attractive or ambitious or basically any other word that you want to throw in there. Bottom line, if all your best friend wants to do is have a size-up competition, they are being a judge. Not a genuine friend.

Being Exclusive: The Expectations That Come with This Kind of Relationship

How many times have you encountered a couple who are not married but are in a serious relationship and they define their status as being “monogamous”? While that tends to be a pretty popular go-to word for one-on-one relationships, what monogamy actually means is “marriage with only one person at a time” or even better “the practice of marrying only once during life”.

That’s why, when it comes to dating situations, we prefer to go with the word “exclusive” instead.

It basically means that you’re in a relationship where seeing other people is not a consideration.

Whew! Now that the two words are cleared up, have you ever wondered what should come with having an exclusive relationship? Because although a professional matchmaker or blind date may help to get a relationship rolling, once you’re in it, it’s up to you and the person you’re seeing to set the bar of expectation between the two of you.

If you need a bit of help doing that, here are some tips to help to provide insight on what should come with being in an exclusive relationship.

There’s no dating other people. Probably the most important factor that comes with being in an exclusive relationship is the fact that both of you have come to the mutual conclusion that you don’t want to date other people. Now, for the record, this shouldn’t mean that you no longer have friends of the opposite sex. Healthy relationships do not consist of people not feeling free to engage other people on a platonic basis. At the same time, what it does mean is that your romantic focus is on one individual, solely. So, if you find yourself wanting to see other folks, it’s important that you have enough integrity to tell the person you’re currently with. Don’t sneak around behind their back. That simply dilutes the definition of exclusive and well, that’s not very cool.

The other person’s needs are paramount. Being married is the ultimate kind of commitment, but being exclusive is pretty important too. When two people decide to see no one other than each other, a part of what comes with that is making each other’s needs a top priority. Someone in an exclusive relationship can’t afford to not communicate regularly, to not spend quality time with the person they’re with or to be too busy (or selfish) to not take their partner’s desires and expectations into consideration as they are factoring in their own. If all of this sounds way too stressful, an exclusive relationship may not be the best thing for you. Casual dating, for now, may be better.

There is a lot of compromising. Oh, this point can’t be stressed enough! A part of the fun in being single is your decisions are pretty much based on you and you alone. This is so not the case when it comes to an exclusive relationship. Take holidays, for example. When you’re in an exclusive relationship, it’s not reasonable to expect that the person you’re with is automatically going to want to do what you want to do (they also may not be able to due to scheduling, etc.). This means that some Thanksgivings and Christmases may have to be spent away from your loved ones in order to accommodate your partner and vice versa. Compromising isn’t always easy, but when you’re in an exclusive relationship, it comes with the territory.

You’re very forthright with information. When you’re casually dating someone, it’s not really necessary to tell them that you’re interested in other people too. That’s because casual dating, by definition, means that there is no set purpose or intention for the relationship (at least not yet). But when you’re in an exclusive relationship, it’s a lot like courting. The goal is to continue to cultivate what you’ve got going and the best way to do that is with complete honesty. When you’re not satisfied, you need to say it. If you’re developing a strong attraction for someone else, it needs to come up. If there are fears or even resentments building up, that needs to be shared. The only way to have a thriving exclusive relationship is if there is trust and the one of the best way to establish trust is through honesty which comes from being forthright with information. It might not always be what your partner wants to hear, but they’ll respect you a whole lot more than if they have to find out---the hard way.

There will be forward movement. An exclusive relationship is not always going to consist of spontaneity and fireworks. At the same time, it shouldn’t be stuck in a rut either. Since being exclusive is about not seeing other people, then a lot of your time, effort and energy should be put into the one you’re with. And if that’s done on a consistent basis, you should definitely see growth and progress within your relationship as a direct result. To us, that’s one of the best things about being an exclusive relationship! One of the ultimate benefits of having one.

Happy and Healthy: 6 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship

If there’s one thing that all of us long for, it’s love. As Carrie Bradshaw once put it “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” But the unfortunate reality is there are a lot of people who define that as simply “being in a relationship”. As a result, while they might be with someone, the situation is really not the healthiest for them.

When something is healthy, it is prosperous.

When something is healthy, it is full of vigor.

When something is healthy, it promotes happiness.

At the same time…

When something is unhealthy, it makes one weak.

When something is unhealthy, it is harmful.

Here are two other definitions of unhealthy: dangerous and risky.

If you were to sit down with a professional matchmaker to discuss with them what you are looking for in a relationship, one of the things that they would strive to do is connect you with someone who will be just right for you. And if someone is “right”, they are going to be healthy---spiritually, emotionally and otherwise (words to live by).

Being that so many people find themselves in relationships that are sometimes any and everything but, we decided to provide you with six signs that a relationship is truly all of the definitions of the word healthy.

Check ‘em out:

Healthy relationships help you to feel good about yourself. One misstep many folks make is looking for someone to make them feel smart or attractive or worthy. First, that is a lot of responsibility to put on one person. Secondly, it’s also a bit on the side of unrealistic---and unfair. It’s actually not someone’s job to make you feel better about who you are, so if you’re looking to be in a relationship for that reason, it’s probably best to spend some (more) time being single and focusing on (further) developing your self-esteem. But once you do feel great about who you are as a person, your relationship should definitely be affirming and encouraging of what you already know about your looks, gifts, talents and goals. Yes, a healthy relationship consists of two “life cheerleaders”. Two people who help each other continue to see the great things they are aware of about themselves. In other words, a healthy relationship should consist of lots of confirmations more so than revelations about your value.

Healthy relationships are not abusive. When it comes to the topic of abuse, a lot of people tend to focus on what physical abuse is more than anything else. But if you’re constantly being put down or verbally attacked (verbal abuse) or corrected or manipulated (emotional abuse) or even if you feel very lonely (neglected), you’re still being abused. Love is not supposed to hurt the mind, body or spirit. If that is what’s happening to you on any level, not only is the relationship unhealthy, but that’s your cue to get out. Now, please.

Healthy relationships are stable. Sure, roller coaster rides are fun at amusement parks, but emotional roller coasters? Yeah, they pretty much suck. If you’re in the kind of relationship that has extreme highs and lows on a weekly basis, something is unstable, and instability is not a safe state. If the two of you are always arguing and fighting and then pacifying one another immediately after, that’s not getting to the root of the issue. All relationships have their challenges, but healthy relationships are not constantly problematic. They are solutions-oriented and driven.

Healthy relationships don’t rely on sex for intimacy. We’re not saying that healthy relationships are sexless. We’re saying that healthy relationships are not sex-dependent. You know the kind we’re talking about, right? When two people really don’t have that much in common and honestly probably don’t even really like each other that much, but because the sex is physically gratifying, that’s the “glue” that keeps them together. No person should be another individual’s “fix”. If physical pleasure is all that’s really between you, at the end of the day, it’s not much. You both deserve better.

Healthy relationships grow. Remember how two definitions of healthy are prosperous and happiness? When something is prosperous, that means that it is flourishing and when something is flourishing, that means that it is “growing vigorously” and “thriving”. Not everyone wants to get married, but everyone should want to be in the kind of relationship that shows signs of being greater this year than the last. That’s why it’s always a good idea for couples to take “relationship inventory” a few times a year. It helps them to see if they are on the same page, if needs are being mutually met and what each other’s current expectations are. Bottom line, if something is alive, it is growing and healthy relationships should make both people in them feel just that---alive! If yours isn’t…it might be time to do something different. Or new. And that’s OK. Better to be healthy alone than unhealthy with someone, right? We couldn’t agree with you more!

'Matchmaker Skeptical': 6 Things Ask to a Matchmaker to Give You Peace of Mind

There used to be a time when, if the subject of hiring a professional matchmaker came up in conversation, people would shy away from even considering it as a dating option. The main two reasons were either folks thought that they couldn’t afford it or that it was a “desperate” last ditch effort to find love.

These days, people are becoming less gun-shy about entrusting Cupid’s arrow to these kinds of services. In fact, there are millions of individuals, worldwide, who have tried professional matching companies and had great results. Plus, thanks to businesses like Tawkify, you can be connected with quality individuals for a very reasonable matchmaking service fee.

So, just what are the benefits of using a professional matchmaker? There are actually several, but some of the top ones are 1) they’re able to introduce you to great people that you probably wouldn’t meet any other way; 2) they can save you the time of looking for prospective “candidates” on your own or through the sometimes hit-or-miss experiences of online dating sites and 3) they are dedicated to finding the kind of person you’re looking for.

That’s not to say that all matchmaking companies are the same. That’s why we recommend that before you officially pay for a service, you have an initial meeting in order to ask them the following six questions:

What got you into matchmaking in the first place? You can best believe that if you hire a matchmaker, they are going to have plenty of questions for you. Therefore, don’t feel shy about asking them what got them into the business in the first place. Listen for things like “I really enjoy matching people together” vs. “It’s a good way to make some extra money”. Both answers are fine, but if you hear the first one, that means they are more focused on love than opportunity. When that’s the case, it’s definitely going to work to your advantage.

Are you qualified? Although your mom and best friend probably think that they are excellent at matchmaking, what makes a professional matchmaker different is that they have reputable skills and qualifications to do their job. In fact, many of them are certified by the Matchmaking Institute. Because of this, it’s perfectly OK to ask a matchmaker what their qualifications are, how long they’ve been in business and any companies that they have worked for (if they’re currently on their own).

How successful are you/your business? One of the reasons why Tawkify comes highly recommended is because they have solid data to back up why they are one of the best in the business. Well over 80 percent of the couples that they connect going on second dates, that’s a sign that they have a great success rate. So, whether you decide to go with them or another company or person, they also should be able to provide you with some hard facts and stats about why they are worth your time and investment.

Is your database large? Really, what would be the point in signing up for a matchmaking service if they only have a handful of options for you to choose from? While it’s a bit unreasonable to expect companies to have thousands of people at your disposal, they should give you the impression that if the first, second or possibly even third person didn’t work out, there are still others available to consider.

How reachable are you? Entrusting a matchmaker to connect you with the person who could possibly be the one you share the rest of your life with is a very personal, intimate and vulnerable thing; a reputable matchmaker is aware of this very fact. So, first up: If the matchmaker is not offering to have their first meeting with you in person, they are someone that you don’t need to hire. At least an hour of face time is needed to get a feel for what you are looking for. Secondly, if after the meeting, the matchmaker is hard to reach by phone or email (within 24 hours or so of leaving a message), that’s another red flag. You shouldn’t have to chase them down in order for them to ease your mind or address your concerns. And finally, if you need to speak with them after a date and they are unavailable, this is another reason to consider ending your relationship with them. A professional matchmaker should make you feel like they are just as excited to find you “the one” as you are. And that they are someone you can reach out to all the while that process is taking place.

How does the matchmaking process go? You may have been shy about hiring a professional matchmaker simply because you don’t understand how it works. This is definitely something that a qualified matchmaker can explain to you from having an initial meeting to hear about your needs, to going through portfolios in their database to initially setting up the first date.

Yes, all of this probably sounds like you’re interviewing the prospective matchmaker before they interview you. Actually, you’d be exactly right! But what we guarantee is, by the end of the conversation, you’ll either be clear that this is the company (or person) to hire, or that you need to look elsewhere.

Either way, by asking these six questions, we hope that considering a professional matchmaker in the first place is something that you can feel good about. We do.

Not Interested: How to Handle Rejection with Grace

A man by the name of Mark Amend once said “Rejection doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. It means the other person failed to notice what you have to offer.” That’s a comforting thought, but it doesn’t do much for us when we’re actually experiencing rejection for ourselves.

It could be due to a first date gone wrong.

It could be because a professional matchmaker didn’t get it quite right the first time.

It could even be because the person was so critical that they didn’t really give you a chance.

Whatever, the case may be, when you’re on the receiving end of rejection, although it’s totally understandable that you may want to go on the defensive, we actually have some other suggestions in mind. Ways to handle rejection with such a standard of grace that even if there’s not another date with that individual in your future, they won’t be able to forget you either way.

Don’t over-personalize things. While we totally get that it’s hard to not take rejection personally, here’s what you need to remember at all times: Especially during the beginning stages of a relationship, oftentimes two people don’t know each other well enough for it to be so much about the individual as it is personal preferences or even timing. For instance, if you’re looking for something serious and they aren’t, they may not want to go out anymore. Or, if they have a certain type of physical appearance that they’re after and you don’t fit the bill, that doesn’t mean you’re unattractive by any stretch. Bottom line, don’t let what they decide to do affect you to the point where you question your own self-worth and value. No one on this entire planet deserves that much power. NO. ONE.

Ask questions. Honestly, we almost left this point out simply because some people use it as a license to berate who they’re dating. It’s important to keep in mind that no one “owes you” a reason, explanation or defense for why they’d prefer to not see you anymore. Therefore, watch your approach and don’t go on the attack should you choose to ask them why they came to the conclusion that they did. If you’re really open to hearing what they have to say, they might be able to provide some food for thought for your next date---with someone else.

Avoid over-sharing. If you’re a really sensitive person and the rejection has emotionally affected you to the point where you’re really upset about it, please hear us when we say this: Do not go really deep into your feelings with the person who just rejected you. For one thing, it could freak them out. However, there’s actually a far greater reason than that: They don’t deserve to see you that vulnerable. Your emotions are a sacred part of you, so reserve the venting or even crying to when you get home and can talk to one of your closest friends. They have already proven that they can be trusted to have your back. No matter what. That makes them a lot more reliable and dependable than the one who just rejected you.

Thank them for the time spent. Yeah, you might think we’re crazy for even remotely recommending this, but here’s the point. Although everything in life may not go as we’d like for it to, that doesn’t mean that each and every experience doesn’t come with a great lesson. And if we choose to see things from this half-glass-full perspective, then the rejection wasn’t “wrong” or a “waste of time”. It was simply something else to learn from so that you can move on and become an even better person because of it. So, whether they decide to end things on a date, over the phone or (hopefully not because it would be super cowardly) over text or an email, it’s OK---recommended even---to respond with something along the lines of “Thank you for telling me and it was good getting to know you. Take care.” Handling things with grace produces the kind of karma that can only benefit you in the long run.

Pay attention to if there are patterns. One more thing---and this is probably going to be the most uncomfortable tip out of all of them. If what the person you’re dating is saying sounds a bit like déjà vu from people of your past, pay close attention. Sometimes, we’re so focused on being rejected that we don’t listen to why as much as we should. If you’re told that you seem not very personable or that you’re combative or even too clingy, it’s not easy to hear, but taking heed can make the next date work more in your favor. Again, rejection is all in how you look at it. It can make you feel horrible or it can be lesson on how to do things better or differently. The next time. And chin up, there will definitely be a next time.

Marriage Material: 6 Signs That You're Dating Someone Who Is

If you’re single and been considering hiring a professional matchmaker to assist you in finding someone special, here’s one great reason to strongly consider it: If you’re simply looking to casually date, you might not need their assistance. But if a long-term relationship is what you’re looking for, they have the skills to be able to connect with you someone who not only desires the same things that you do, but shows signs of truly being a great complement for you and your lifestyle. This means that if you desire to get married someday professional matchmaking companies are going to strive to pair you up with someone who sees marriage as a part of their future too.

But what if you’re someone who happens to be a little gun shy simply because you’ve had a few dead-end relationships before? What if you’re tired of wasting time with people who don’t mind going on a few dates, but aren’t really looking for anything serious?

If you understand exactly where we are coming from and you’d like to know within the first few dates if someone is truly marriage material, here are six signs that can help you to get the answers that you’re looking for.

They tell you that they want to be married. One of the most obvious signs that someone wants to be married is, ironically, overlooked by a lot of people. Individuals who desire marriage and are dating for that express purpose are individuals who have absolutely no problem saying it. So, if while on a date, if you ask “Do you want to get married someday?” and they dance around the topic, take note. For people who are marriage material, it’s not an uncomfortable or complex question. It is a direct one.

They’re mature. A huge mistake that a lot of people make in relationships is paying attention to the qualities of a person without looking for evidence of their maturity level. For instance, someone can be really smart and funny, but if they still have a “college mentality” of wanting to hang out all night and engage in “hook ups”, that’s not really someone to consider spending forever with. A mature person is going to show signs of taking an adult approach to things. “Partying” isn’t their objective. Future planning is.

There are signs of stability. Although all of us are on different time clocks when it comes to reaching our goals and aspirations, a person who is marriage material is going to be more stable than most. You will see and hear evidence of them being clear about their professional life. Their finances will not be in total disarray. If they do live with their parents, there will be a reasonable reason why (like one of them is sick or they are finishing up their college education and living with them to save money). All in all, they will make you feel like being with them will be a partnership; not like you will be taking care of their basic needs in order for them to survive.

You will be courted more than dated. So, what’s the difference between dating and courting (you can read a thorough explanation here)? Basically, courting is about dating with intention. It’s not just about calling someone up to go to dinner and a movie, but spending time with another person in order to find out if it can turn into something lasting or not. People who court ask insightful questions. People who court don’t mind putting (emotional) intimacy before sex. People who court bring you around the people who are important to them. In short, they tend to be very marriage-minded and they are not shy about letting you know it.

They complement you well. Looking for Mr. or Ms. Right is not about finding your carbon copy. We actually believe that it’s hard to grow as an individual if you’re involved with someone who is just like you. At the same time, it is important to find the kind of person who complements you well. This includes sharing similar values. This includes them making you feel respected, safe and appreciated. This also includes you not feeling like the relationship is hard; and by that we don’t mean that it’s not work (all relationships require work), but that you’re not confused about where you stand, or you feel like you’re the only one who is investing into it.

The relationship makes steady progression. A person who is willing to casually date for months and months on end without any discussion of where the relationship is headed is not really marriage material. That’s not the say that marriage should be brought up in the first three dates, but if someone does have the goal of establishing a long-term relationship with you, you are going to see things moving forward. Dates and communication will be consistent. Talks of meeting family members and friends will come up. Questions about where you see your life in six months or next year will be asked. Titles will be established. Bottom line, goals will be set, and met, at a pretty steady pace. When you’re seeing someone and all of this is happening, smile. We’re pretty confident that you are seeing someone who is truly marriage material!

What's Your Love Language? Learning the Five Ways Love's Expressed

No matter how great a relationship might be, it’s going to come with its own set of challenges. That’s because although two people care a lot about each other, the reality is that they are still two individuals---ones with their own unique perspectives, expectations and needs.

We’re pretty sure that’s a big part of the reason why best-selling author penned the book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. If you’re not familiar with it, basically the premise is this: One of the biggest problems in relationships is the fact that people find themselves expressing love to their partner in the way that they desire to receive it, rather than in the way that their loved one actually wants it. Not only that, but according to Dr. Chapman, love is basically expressed in five main ways:

Words of Affirmation

Physical Touch

Acts of Service

Quality Time

Gifts

Although a professional matchmaker, online dating website or even a family member or friend may be able to set you up with the right person, the reality is that only you and they can figure out how each one needs to feel loved. If you’re interested in knowing more about the five love languages (and if you would like to take a test to see what your top two are), you can go here. For now, we’re going to provide a brief insight into each one of them.

Words of Affirmation. Do you like to receive greeting cards for no reason? Does your face light up when someone compliments or affirms you? Or, on the other hand, are you extremely tone-sensitive (which means you care just as much about how things are said as what is being said) and if someone says something that hurts your feelings, it really hurts your feelings? If so, there’s a pretty good chance that your top love language is “Words of Affirmation”. Although words are important to everyone, in order for you to feel loved and appreciated, for you, the expression of them is vital.

Physical Touch. Although you might automatically think this has something to do with your libido, actually it doesn’t. This particular love language is about people who like to hold hands, cuddle on the couch, hug with every greeting---the kind of people who, when they are around their partner, can’t help but to want to make some type of physical contact. When someone strongly desires physical touch, to not receive it in some way, feels like a form of rejection; no matter how much their partner tells them how they feel or shows them that they care.

Acts of Service. If you’re the kind of person who finds them saying things like “talk is cheap” or “don’t tell me, show me”, you may be someone who speaks the “Acts of Service” language. These individuals feel supported most when their partner does things that they feel need to be done. Not just in the relationship, but in general: cleaning the kitchen, washing the car, making a bank deposit---basically doing what would make life easier is how they feel the most loved by the person they are with. The main thing to keep in mind about this particular expression is saying you’re going to do something and then not following through is a huge no-no.

Quality Time. The interesting thing about “Quality Time” is it’s not just about making sure that time is made for the one who prefers love to be expressed in this way. It’s also about how you spend the time too. If you’re going to plan a date but you also plan to be on your smartphone the entire time, that’s not considered to be real quality time. If you’re at your house having a movie night, but you’re walking from room to room doing things, that’s not quality time. People who long for this love language want to feel like they have your undivided attention. Material things don’t matter to them nearly as much as you planning a time to engage in conversation and focus on no one else but them--and your relationship.

Gifts. Yeah, this one is probably pretty self-explanatory. For the record, though, doesn’t mean that they are a user or a gold-digger. For someone who prefers love to be expressed by gifts, it simply means that they like love to be expressed in a tangible kind of way. It’s not so much about what the gift cost, but that you thought enough about them to get them one in the first place. Do take note, though, that out of all of the love languages mentioned, if there’s someone who’s going to be the most bothered by not receiving a present on their birthday or Christmas, the “Gifts” person would be it.

As we said, this is pretty much an introduction to love languages (so please check out the link that we provided). But as you’re in the process of planning your next date, think about what we shared and perhaps bring this topic up in conversation.

It can only work in your favor because love is best, when it’s properly expressed!

When They Want More: Sensitive Ways to Slow Down the Relationship

Although many of us dream of meeting our one true love, more times than not, it’s easier said than done. Out of the billions of people on the planet, it really is amazing that it can be so challenging to find our soul mate---the one individual who we feel is just right for us. The one we want to accompany us in this journey we call “life”.

This longing might be a part of the reason why, when we meet someone who we kind of like, we try to force it to be---or to move faster---than it needs to.

C’mon, we’ve all been there before.

You’re hooked up through a professional matchmaker or a good friend. You’re told that they think the person is “perfect” for you and so you give it a shot. And here’s the real catcher: You actually enjoy their company. The issue is that after a few dates, you discover that they are a bit more into you than you are into them. At least for now.

You might feel that way because they are calling you all of the time or they even bring up the possibility of becoming exclusive in the near future. And while you’re not at a point where you can firmly say that there’s not some real potential there, what you do know is you want them to pump their brakes a bit. Again, at least for now.

But how do you do that in such a way where it doesn’t turn them totally off or cause them to not want to allow things to happen a bit more…naturally?

If you’re in a relationship with someone you like, just not love, and while you want to see where it can go, you also want a bit more time and space in the meantime, here are some tips on how to slow down the relationship. Gently and sensitively so.

Put yourself in their shoes. Anyone who’s lived on this planet long enough has experienced some sort of rejection before. And while this is more of a “let’s talk a few steps back” rather than an all-out rejection conversation, it’s still a good idea to practice the Golden Rule; to do unto them what you would want them to do unto you. So before saying anything, take out a moment to think about how you would want to be addressed. That way, you can choose your words, tone and even your body language wisely. Beforehand.

Do it in person. When it comes to semi-serious conversations, nothing says “insensitivity” quite like doing it over the phone. Or worse, sharing thoughts over text or in an email. In fact, not only does it tend to send the message that you’re not the most sensitive person on the planet, but it’s actually a bit on the side of cowardly too. Being that communication is not just about what we say but our facial expressions when we say it, it’s a kind gesture to talk about these kinds of things in person. Tip: Don’t catch them totally off guard though. It’s also nice to give them a bit of a heads up by saying “I’d like to talk to you about something when we met up this week.” That way, they’ll be somewhat (emotionally) prepared.

Be honest. Whoever came up with the whole “say something nice and then follow it up with something not-so-nice” is not our favorite person on the planet. In our humble opinion, it’s basically buttering up someone for the kill. Plus, most smart people can see it coming a mile away. So rather than taking the whole “You’re a really nice guy (or girl)” approach, be honest. Yes, you think they are pretty cool but that’s not really the point. The point is that you like them and also you need more time to see how you feel about taking things to another level. If they’re mature, they will appreciate you letting them know what page you’re on. They will respect your forthrightness and honesty. And if they’re not? Well, that could actually help you to make a decision about what to do next. And when.

“Pause” on the physical intimacy. You’re going to do nothing but send a series of mixed messages if you’re not ready for anything serious or exclusive, but you start or continue a sexual relationship with them. So, if you really want to slow things down, this should include the physical intimacy too. That way, the boundaries are clear…until you’re clearer about where you want things to go. And in the meantime, you come off as a stand-up person and not someone who’s looking for the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility.

Don’t overthink it. Once the conversation has been had, try and avoid making them feel like they have to walk on eggshells whenever they’re with you. Make it clear that you really do like spending time with them; it’s just that you want to be emotionally responsible by making sure that you both remain on the same page. Just remember that after the conversation’s been had, it’s not necessary to keep bringing the topic up. You both have a mutual understanding. It’s now time to enjoy the relationship---as you see where it leads.