Monogamy. Out of all of the words in the English language, it has got to be one of the most misdefined ones. Here’s why. When people have been dating one another for a while, what’s one of the questions that their friends or family members will oftentimes ask them: “Are the two of you monogamous?” right?
OK, so here’s where it gets pretty interesting: Have you ever looked up the actual definitions of monogamy? According to Dictionary, monogamy has nothing to do with dating. It actually means “marriage with only one person at a time” or “the practice of marrying only once during life”. Therefore, contrary to popular belief, until you decide to say “I do” to someone (gasp!), you’re not technically monogamous. No matter how serious your relationship with your boyfriend or girlfriend may be.
That’s why the better word to use for couples who decide to only date one another is probably “exclusive”. Yet even when it comes to that kind of dating status, getting there should be a process. Before two people basically decide to be a “hop, skip and jump” away from engagement and then marriage, there should be some time allotted to really get to know one another---your likes and dislikes, your goals and ambitions, your thoughts when it comes to marriage, children and what it takes to make a truly monogamous relationship work. And last.
For all of these reasons, it’s our humble opinion that people should not rush to be monogamous---excuse us, exclusive---during the early stages of their dating relationship and we’re pretty sure that marriage counselors, relationship coaches and professional matchmakers would all agree. And yes, there are actually a few benefits that come with being open to seeing more than one person during that time. After reading some of them, you might realize how great it really is to take things slow. To not become exclusive until you can say for sure that you know…that there is only one person meant for you.
The pressure’s off. Deciding to only see one person before you’re absolutely sure that you want to (or are ready to) can result in you putting more pressure on yourself than you can actually handle. It’s important to remember that with exclusivity, there come certain expectations like not dating other people and being more readily available. If the thought of both of those things basically freaks you out, it’s not time for you to be in exclusive relationship. Not just yet.
You can be really honest with each other. When you’re in an exclusive relationship, you tend to be really invested in what the other people wants or needs, even if it differs from what is on your own list. But when people jump into an exclusive relationship too quickly, they oftentimes end up not making their own desires a priority. That’s because they are so focused on making the other person happy and not hurting their feelings. The problem with this is that over time, it can breed resentment and that’s not healthy for any relationship. By not being exclusive too early on, you have the freedom to be really honest about you’re looking for and what your expectations are. If you’re both on the same page, cool. If not, no love is lost. You can be friends as you both look for more of what you’re actually looking for.
You have the freedom to choose. Here’s what we mean by that. The actor Mark Ruffalo once said “I ran to my marriage. I was happily ready to take on marriage.” Now does this sound like someone who’s making ball-and-chain jokes about his relationship? It’s one thing to feel like you have to be with someone. It’s another thing entirely to assess your options and then make a conscious choice all on your own to be exclusive. Seeing other people in the early stages of dating someone new affords you the ability to transition into exclusivity because you want to; not because you feel like you have to.
Sex can be put on the backburner. A wise man once said “Sex will make you ‘love’ someone you don’t even like.” Translation: Great sex can be easily confused for being a great relationship if you engage in it too quickly. That said, if you’re someone who cares about taking care of your health (let alone your heart), you’re not going to want to sleep with multiple people at once. So, the time that you’re not having sex with someone new, that is the time you can spend getting to know one another better, both mentally and emotionally. That’s always a major plus when you’re creating the foundation for your relationship.
It will be truly special once it does happen. An exclusive relationship is nothing to be taken casually. It’s a significant season for two people. By allowing it to happen organically and being confident in your choice once it does, the relationship will be that much more special once there is mutual exclusivity. You can enter into it with total peace of mind. And absolutely no regrets.