He’s awesome. He’s smart. He’s funny. He likes the same things that you do and he seems to be as equally into you as you are into him.
Or…
She’s amazing. She’s beautiful. She’s ambitious. And if you were really honest with yourself, if you were to describe the perfect woman, she would be the walking definition of it.
There’s only one problem. They’re still married. Well, technically.
Actually the more appropriate word is that they are “separated”.
But here’s the thing: This means that (sigh) they’re still married.
If you’re currently in this kind of predicament---which is probably more like a dilemma---you’re not alone. Although it’s somewhat rare for a person in their early 20s to be in this type of situation, the older we get, the more the chances increase of us meeting someone who has marriage as a part of their past. Or present. And as tempting as starting (or continuing) a relationship with them may be, there are a literal boatload of reasons why it it’s best to avoid someone who is married and to also not move forward with someone who is separated either.
Here are just six reasons why:
You only know one side of the story. It’s human nature for an individual to only share how they see things from their perspective. So, if you were to ask the person you’re dating about why they are separated, they might provide you with all sorts of reasons to look at their spouse as the bad guy or girl. At the same time, if you were able to speak to their spouse directly, they might still want the marriage to last or they might have some reasons of their own that, if you knew them, you might not find the person you’re seeing as appealing as you currently do. A person who is separated is a person who’s in a relationship that’s unresolved and oftentimes that’s a messy, confusing and unstable state to be in. Don’t be a character in their sordid tale. You should avoid the entire situation if at all possible.
It’s a huge emotional gamble. Oftentimes a separated person is not in a position to know for sure how they exactly feel about their spouse. One day they might want to totally end it. The next day they might want to reconcile (especially if there are children involved). And based on wherever they may be on the emotional meter, that can, in turn, affect how they feel about you at any given moment too. You deserve to be with someone who can give you all of them. A separated person simply cannot do that.
Sex may not be the safest. Let’s be honest. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to expect a separated person to be “faithful” to you. It’s a bit of a sucker punch to say this, but just by the mere fact that they are dating you while they are married kind of gives you a clue of how they feel about monogamy. Plus, if they were to have occasions when they slept with their spouse, how upset can you really be? Does it make sense to be mad that they had sex (inhale then exhale) with their own husband and wife? It not being a good idea to sleep with someone who has more than one sex partner doesn’t change simply because the individual is separated. For the sake of your physical and emotional well-being, avoid getting intimate with someone who is separated.
They will probably have some commitment issues. Hopefully, this point won’t be a shocker. Aside from the fact that they should know that it’s not the wisest thing to date other people while they are separated, when someone is in “marital limbo”, a commitment is oftentimes the last thing that they are looking for. And understandably so. They are still processing their marriage which requires time to think and to heal. So, if you’re looking for a separated person to want to get married in the next year (or sometimes even the next five, if ever), you might find yourself pretty disappointed. (For the record, even if they do want to get married really quickly, that’s still a bit of a red flag. They should take some time out to be single before hopping into another long-term commitment.)
The spouse could get involved. This kind of ties into the whole “you don’t have all of the story” point. Just because a person tells you that they are separated, that doesn’t always mean that they are working towards a divorce. Sometimes, it’s more like a “cooling off period” between them and their spouse and when this is the case, their spouse may have the impression that reconciliation is not only possible but probable. With all of the technological advances out here, it’s not hard for people to find individuals that they’re really looking for and if a separation is not a step away from divorce, you can be seen as “the other man or woman” which could translate into “the enemy”. This could result in the spouse reaching out to you. And that’s…a lot to deal with.
It’s usually a waste of your time. One of the reasons why it’s so important to know what you want in a relationship before ever starting one is that it helps you to avoid certain types of people and scenarios beforehand. That said, if you’re only interested in casually dating, a separated person may not seem like that big of a deal to you. But if you want the kind of relationship that shows real promise of ultimately going from dating to engagement to marriage, for all of the reasons shared, a separated individual is probably going to prove themselves to be a colossal waste of your time. Bottom line: Make the personal commitment to date someone who is totally free to love you. And that’s someone who is single. Not separated.