If you were to sit down with a professional matchmaker right now, here’s one way to know if they’re worth your time. One of the things that you should expect them to ask you is “So, why do you want to be in a relationship at this time in your life?”
Although, on the surface, it might seem like a bit of an obvious question, the reality is that for as many people as there are on the face of the earth, there are different reasons for why each one wants to join their lives with someone else’s.
And while reasons like “I want to be in a happy and healthy relationship” or “I’ve always wanted to have a family” or “There comes a season in everyone’s life when they feel like someone can help them to get to the next level” are all certainly great reasons, there are also some that are basically big red flags. “Flags” in the sense of them actually indicating that no matter how much potential the relationship may have of succeeding, because the motives aren’t right, it’s going to struggle right from the start.
So what are some of the worst possible reasons for starting a relationship?
Loneliness. For the record, there’s nothing wrong with being lonely. You’re human and it happens to all of us at one point or another. The problem is that when we feel a deep longing for attention, companionship, attention or affection, oftentimes our judgment is a bit off when it comes to choosing someone who is truly best for us. Or worse, we’ll find ourselves going back to someone we already know isn’t good for us, just so that we won’t have to be by ourselves. So what’s the remedy for loneliness? Well, before deciding to pursue a relationship with someone else, get to the root of why that’s so important to you. Do you think they will make you feel better about yourself? Have you always believed that you needed to be in a relationship to confirm your self-worth? Are you scared to do things like go to the movies or out to eat alone? Knowing why you’re lonely is the first step to coming to the conclusion that what you might need, for now, is to be alone. In order to learn the difference between “alone” and “loneliness”. They are not synonymous, that’s for sure.
Peer pressure. The older we get, the more a lot of us look around only to discover that most of our friends are married or in a relationship. And when they all ask for the umpteenth time to either set you up or “So, when are you going to find someone special?”, it can be a real temptation to hurry up and get into something, anything, just to shut them up. Friends are awesome, but it’s important to remember (and remind them) that they are there to support you, not pressure you. It doesn’t make (good) sense to get into a relationship just so that you and your married friends can double date. Let them know that all things come in due time. Just like it did for them.
Aging or a “ticking clock”. Even in today’s culture, when some find marriage to be obsolete, there’s still plenty of data which supports the fact that a two-parent household is the most ideal for children (for instance, here). And so, if you’re single with no kids and you’ve always wanted to be a parent, it’s totally understandable why you might feel a bit of anxiety. But look, getting with someone and creating a child with them, only to realize they weren’t the best match for you will result in your child now being in a broken home. You should check out 6-year-old Tiana’s feelings on that (by clicking here). Finding the love of your life requires having faith in it happening at the right time. Don’t let your age or your “ticking clock” determine such an important part of your fate. Patience can do miracles when it comes to making things happen…just as they should. And helping you to truly believe that, during the waiting process.
Hormones. Boy, if we had a dollar for every person who had sex with someone only to later regret it, we’re pretty sure we’d make it to Forbes’s billionaire list! Engaging in casual sex because you literally want nothing more than to engage in physical pleasure is one thing. Having sex hoping that it will turn into something more meaningful is a gamble, at best. Plus, there are a lot of things that still need to be taken into consideration before having sex, including when it comes to your physical health and well-being. Sex is fun and enjoyable. It’s also something that should be taken seriously. Do not start a relationship just so that you can have sex on the regular. Also, do not have sex too quickly believing that it will get you what you really want: a relationship.
Fear. At the end of the day, all of these things that we mentioned points to one thing: Fear. And one of the best ways to define fear is the popular acronym for it: False Evidence Appearing Real. Have you ever heard the saying “Most of the things that we worry about never even happen anyway?” This applies to relationships. Just because today you might feel like you’ll be alone for the rest of your life, doesn’t make it true. And getting into a relationship just to “silence those voices” doesn’t automatically make you wise. The best cure for fear, when it comes to fear of being alone, is self-love. Pamper yourself. Celebrate yourself. Set goals for yourself. Soon, you’ll be too busy to “feed into your fears”. And one day, you’ll look up and someone will come into your life. And the irony may be that you’ll be so content that you’ll have to figure out how to fit them in! (Oh, the irony!)